My graduation ceremony was May 31. It's been unbearably rainy here for a few months, so we had to have the ceremony inside the middle school gymnasium, which really, really sucked. It was hot, sticky, and cramped. It took me half an hour after the ceremony to find my family because thousands of people were swarming every inch of the building. Luckily, even though there were a little over 500 hundred people in my graduating class, graduation only took about an hour and a half, maybe a bit more. I'm just glad it's over and done with. I have my diploma and I never have to see any of those immature dickwads ever again. Never going to look back. Ever.
It's also interesting that our valedictorian was a ditzy blonde who obtained her high GPA through status and money alone. Seriously, the girl has this perpetual look of confusion on her face and has the most fake, forced personality ever. She's...not book smart, to say the least. Her parents are really prominent figures around town, so she used their endless money to hire tutors and boost her GPA last-minute. Her speech was full of Bible quotes and...get this...ended with a rap. She rapped part of her speech, as if it weren't already cheesy and forced enough. Some people were all like, "Aw that's so cute and unique!" No. I can't believe she was the representation of our entire class, even though it's oddly accurate: obnoxiously religious, fake, forced, stupid.
After the ceremony I went to my dad's house and my grandma was there and we all had one of the most interesting conversations I've ever taken part in. We talked about everything. For example, I learned that my grandpa on my mom's side used to be a total lunatic before he was put on medication, and one time he tried to run my dad off the road because he took my mom out for a few beers. Suffice it to say I learned a lot about my family. A. Lot. I could go on and on, but the most important chunk of the conversation was about (gasp!) my sexuality.
My grandma basically told me that it was okay, that she could accept it, but I couldn't "flaunt it." No showing any affection in front of her is what she was trying to get at. Also it's okay if I live with a lady, but she's not okay with gay marriage or gay parenting...yet. This is all sounds awful and contradictory, but y'know, I still applaud that woman. Because she's TRYING. She didn't say, "Nope no marriage for you ever that's gross." She explained to me how she was brought up, and she explained that she, even in her stubborn older years, is trying to adapt to the times. She's getting there, she's thinking things through, and whether or not her outlook evolves fully before she's gone is not something I'm too concerned about, honestly.
She doesn't treat me any differently, she doesn't look down on me, and even if she's still struggling with anything beyond same-sex dating, I'm okay. We were never super close. And people, no matter what everyone says, change with time. So I'm not too worried about it. My dad has told me that any girlfriend I have is welcome in his home and in his family, and my sister has stuck up for me multiple times, and their support, the support of two, is worth more than the hostile opposition of ten, even a hundred.
Also, my grandma told me that my great aunt, the one who died a year ago, was the first to suspect I was gay, and was desperately wanting to talk to me about it, but she felt I was difficult to approach. Everyone in my family thinks that about me, that I'm a "hard nut to crack" or that I'm just not easy to talk to. Just because I'm quiet and detached and don't throw myself into every conversation doesn't mean I'm an emotionless, hopeless case. I wish more people would understand that. And it would've been so nice if my great aunt and I had become closer.
I'm also trying to make amends with my dad's girlfriend. I've spent the past five years, ever since my parents divorced, pushing that woman away, withdrawing myself, throwing a hissy fit whenever she had the audacity to show her face around me. I was childish, but what did I know? I was led to believe that she alone was the cause of my parents splitting up. Now that the fog of resentment and jealousy my mother spread around me has cleared, I know that my dad's affair with her was a symptom of my parents' failed marriage, not the cause.
My dad explained to me that his girlfriend has always wanted to get closer to me and bond with me, but never felt like she could. And I've just recently been able to be around her without every muscle in my body tensing up. She gave me money for graduation, though not in person. So I've decided to write her a nice thank-you card, and take the opportunity to apologize for shutting her out. A thank-you card might not be the best way to do that, but hopefully it'll mean a lot to her. "She's a good ally to have on your side," my dad keeps telling me. So I want to give her a chance.
I will end this journal by saying that I have been doing absolutely nothing except reading and eating and sleeping. And driving around with my sister. I've gotten so much reading done and it feels wonderful. I just read seven H.G Wells novels and reread The Book Thief and read The Sound and the Fury by William Faulkner and Alice In Wonderland and White Fang and Walden. Those last three aren't in italics because I'm tired of using the tags.
So yeah! This month my only solid plans are to go to this giant mega flea market with my dad on Father's Day weekend and Chicago with Brittany. And my graduation party this Sunday, but that's pretty much it. I'm okay with this.