The Stupidist Suicide Attempt Ever

MaddieJoy's picture

I tried to kill myself a few nights ago. I was in a place where I just didn't care anymore and I remembered how my mom is always talking about the stats on deaths due to salmonella, which is actually really common. So I went to the fridge, grabbed a hunk of raw cookie dough, and ate a bunch of it. Then I waited for hours to start to feel the effects, planning on keeping them a secret until it was too late. Thankfully my cookie dough wasn't contaminated and I just got a headache from watching too much TV while I waited. But I felt pretty stupid the next morning when I realized what I had done.
However my bad attitude continued all week and made back-to-back rehearsals of "Romeo and Juliet: Scene Two" and "Dinner with Benevolence" a little worse than they had to be. DwB was written and directed by a really uptight friend of mine and the leads rarely show up on time or know their lines. I'm directing the Romeo and Juliet scene for Comp, and the teacher won't let us change the genders of any of the characters (eg, Lord Capulet is played by a girl, but we can't make it Lady Capulet). Also, most of the cast has no idea how to read Shakespeare or remember their blocking.
My performance of DwB is in 2 1/2 hours. Alex better have memorized his lines or I'll put on his costume and say them. For Pete's sake, he's had weeks to work on them, and he's a total theatre brat. The least he could do was have one clean run before the day of, and he has yet to make it through his monologue without starting over. I'm playing his mother-in-law, and I'm starting to understand why she wanted her daughter to marry someone else. Unfortunately Alex has picked up on my sentiments and called me out on my sarcasm. Damn him! I'm being as polite as I can possibly be, and he should be thanking me for holding out, the frickin entitle SOB.
Well, I'll post later to say how it went. Although I may be posting from a holding cell and facing murder charges ;P
God-den good fellows!


Ann's picture

First, I'm glad you're alive

Second, I know what you mean about dealing with....unprofessional people in theater. I'm doing Much Ado About Nothing, and the experience is basically the same as what you've described. None of the other teens have their scripts fully memorized, and we've had months. One girl, who's playing Hero, keeps laughing at her friend who's playing Beatrice during a scene when she's not supposed to be laughing. When she told me it's physically impossible to stop yourself from laughing, I had to struggle not to say anything, so I just glared, which she noticed...Plus they're constantly showing their backs to the audience, and reading their lines with the dullest, most dry tone possible. I'm trying to be respectful to the director, and let him handle it, but...yeah.

Yamamoto's picture

Happy your ok :D

Hehehehehehe... suicide by cookie dough. I can promise that will not work, because I eat that stuff by the jar full and never get sick. So it is better for a snack than anything like that. I am glad you are alive though and didn't pick a different method. Best think to do in that situation is simply go do something else that is distracting.

Usually find jacking off works best at least on my end... But yeah...

Don't know much about theater at all, but just wanted to sound helpful :)

elph's picture

I've often wondered... that what girls call it as well? Or is it proprietary only to boys? Curious minds...

Yamamoto's picture

Does it really matter silly

Does it really matter silly :P Euphemisms for masturbation are euphemisms for masturbation... I don't care if the person is male, female, or the man with a vagina. (And he is a excellent porn star if I must say so myself)

elph's picture

Who is the antecedent of "he"... this quote: "...he is an excellent..."?

Yamamoto's picture

Please excuse my bad grammar

Please excuse my bad grammar these days elph. I haven't been doing so well with my grammar nor speech. Plus I am not sure what antecedent means in the first place. Are you asking this porn stars name, because I will have to look him up if that is the question.

elph's picture

Averse to dictionaries?

Anyway, here's what my iMac's built-in dictionary says:

Antecedent: • Grammar a word, phrase, clause, or sentence to which another word (esp. a following relative pronoun)

But, yes... I was wondering who "he" was referring to? And... it was you who first brought up the topic of "porn stars!"

jazzybchick's picture

Oh my gee!

I'm glad you're okay x.x I wouldn't have anyone to talk to if something bad happened :(
"The Earth turns from sanity."

MaddieJoy's picture

I'm glad too

Actually I've been thinking about that. If I had died it would have hurt a lot of people, especially my "sister" Dagny. And the next day this one kind of awkward girl came up & was all distraught because she thought I was mad at her over this conversation we had. If I had actually killed myself she might have thought it was her fault, and that would have been terrible. So I'm gonna stick around a while longer I think.

jeff's picture


Yeah, that isn't really a good plan. Even if you got salmonella poisoning, you'd more than likely be fine. Just because some people die of something doesn't mean that is the usual path.

Wiki sez: "Most people with salmonellosis develop diarrhea, fever, vomiting, and abdominal cramps 12 to 72 hours after infection. In most cases, the illness lasts four to seven days, and most people recover without treatment."

"You don't know you're beautiful." - Harry Styles

radiosilence95's picture

Suicide by cookie dough

Suicide by cookie dough sounds like a legit way to go.

No but seriously I'm glad you're fine. Sounds like this was something done on a snap impulse. I mean, from what I've observed, you've never show any suicidal symptoms or whatnot. But if you really feel like this is an impulse that will reoccur, you should probably seek help.

MaddieJoy's picture

Well I've always known where

Well I've always known where the pills are, if you know what I mean, but I've never come this close before.
I have asked both of my parents at different times for some sort of therapy session and they agreed, then never made the appointment. Twice. My dad really hates therapists, so it was probably on purpose, just to shut me up. I went to alternative therapy for "Residual Womb Trauma" or some such hokum when I was little but I haven't had any help since. I'm thinking I might try going to the school psychiatrist but I'm afraid she'd call my parents and they'd try to talk me out of getting help, as I'm very suggestible.

radiosilence95's picture

That really is inconsiderate

That really is inconsiderate of them to deny you therapy because they have it out for therapists. Yes, some therapists are bullshitters, but if you find the right one it will do you so much good. The only thing I can say is keep pestering your parents about it. Don't let up. Annoy the hell out them. And provide them with a good dose of reasoning, which may or may not get you somewhere.

Residual Womb Trauma. I have no clue what that is.

elph's picture

I support what radiosilence advises...

The school psychiatrist (you're very fortunate to be at such a school!!) would be the obvious starting point. Almost certainly he/she would be required to keep all conversation/advice totally confidential... with the singular exception of a possible suicide attempt being suggested!

Bosemaster42's picture

Glad you're still here,

Maddie. I have to agree with Jeff though. I've had salmonella poisoning once. As horrible as it was, I wasn't close to death, although at one point I thought I was dying until the hospital told me otherwise.
I can understand your frustration with your cast members. Shakespeare should be performed, not just read aloud, otherwise it sounds clunky.