How do people do it?!

Yamamoto's picture

I don't understand how people 'go out and make friends' I mean what do you do once you 'get out there' and you are faced with a campus full of people all looking at there smart phones, or talking to each other in huddled groups.... or have those emotionless arm crossed over chest don't want to talk looks. Please explain... since the rest of the human race seems to be such experts on this topics. In your explanations be very concrete and structured about your instructions, because of my Asperger I need those kinds of details or any meaning you try and provide will go over my head. I will then have to waste both our time by asking you to repeat your advice.

Comments

jeff's picture

Well...

People don't typically go into a huge mass of people and look around to determine who to befriend. I'm sure if I am in Times Square tomorrow, there are probably a good number of people I might find interesting, but there is no way to filter them there.

Instead, you take up interests and hobbies, and that filters it down.

In New York, I took a standup comedy class, and got friendly with people in the class week after week, so when they perform at open mics, I may show up and support them, etc.

There was a cute musician on Facebook, so we became friends on there, and he mentioned in a post that it has his dream to see Evita on Broadway, but he couldn't afford it. Ricky Martin took a one-week vacation from the show and ticket sales plummeted, and I was able to get free tickets to help fill out the house, so I invited him, and we still try and get together.

People I've interviewed for Oasis who are authors, Broadway actors, etc., have also become part of my social circle. Not all. Some people I see and we just don't click, but others try and make a point of getting together.

As for why I am more of a public commenter on here and not really that much into PMs (in reference to your last comment on the Nanook journal), it is twofold. Oasis is sort of my volunteer time, and we know from many new users that they lurk on the site for a while before joining. Some people read Oasis for years before signing up.

So, if I only put a certain amount of time into Oasis, I want it to potentially benefit as many people as possible, plus that is the strength of the site. I say something, someone disagrees, someone else builds on what I said with an example from their own life, etc. There's no point running a community site if my instinct it to talk privately with everyone. That's why 97% of the text I write on Oasis is on display to everyone.

I'd hate to think the majority of great advice and insights of all our members was locked where no one else could see it. Obviously, if people aren't ready to post something personal in public, or if I'm friendly with someone and they want to share some detail that isn't for sitewide consumption, that's fine. But that should be the exception...

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"You don't know you're beautiful." - Harry Styles

jeff's picture

As far as Aspergers...

For better or worse, this is not a site about Aspergers, so it's not really anyone's strong suit to speak directly to those issues and what you need. You'd likely be better off finding an Aspy online community and discussing sex there, then trying to retrofit LGBT advice into Aspy.

Google seems to indicate lots of articles exist about sex and aspergers.

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"You don't know you're beautiful." - Harry Styles

Yamamoto's picture

Because Jeff... having

Because Jeff... having Asperger's is a label I hate. I like my diagnoses of Bi-Polar... it is somewhat cool... and gives me a somewhat Mad Hatter inward image I can count on. Asperger's is stupid when it comes to mental diseases, and I don't like to associate with people who have it I was just informing you about some things was all that have to do with it. Unless I can't tell that they have it, which frankly most of them have sound and light sensitive problems that annoy me... especially considering they act normal most of the time, but I am an extreme thrill seeker so I can't take them any were without finding myself highly disappointed in them. I don't want to hang out around someone whom I feel the need to put down, because they can't keep up, not that I actually do, but I don't really know any other way to describe the feeling.

jeff's picture

OK...

Not sure why going on an Aspy site turns this into you having to hang out and befriend these people. I'm just saying there seem to be research papers and articles and etc., about people with Aspergers navigating sexual dynamics that could be educational to you.

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"You don't know you're beautiful." - Harry Styles

Bosemaster42's picture

Having Asperger's,

is likely part of the problem. Bear in mind, I'm certainly not an expert on the subject, however, I did know a kid in my neighborhood who was afflicted with this condition. I don't know if your case is mild or severe, but one of the symptoms is social awkwardness. This isn't to say you can't develop a relationship with another person, but it does make it more difficult. An inability to pick up on subtle cues from others is another symptom which can make it difficult for the person with Asperger's. So, it's entirely possible you could have someone interested in you and you wouldn't know it, because you may not be able to 'read' this person.
There's no secret to making friends, if you treat someone nicely, show empathy(also a challenge for people with Asperger's) and share common interest's, a relationship usually evolves from that. Sex is usually a by-product of a good friendship, but it doesn't always lead to sex.

Yamamoto's picture

Well after talking to my

Well after talking to my shrink today... I have realized that it is just something I am giving up on. My interest are too narrow, and the things that make me happy are the same way. Also I realized that the way I view things about what I want out of life is going to make it impossible to get. I hate socializing, and all these things you have to do to get sex, but I don't want sex that is free and cheap because of all I have done to get were I am so I could get it. If that makes any sense... It will basically make me feel guilty and I won't be satisfied. Though a relationship is impossible, because I don't really care about people nor want to be around them anymore... I mean I can't stand living with people. But sex outside a relationship is not going to have any meaning to me personally because I am very very romantic. So I think that I really am going to have to have myself admitted at this point. I will at least wait until I graduate, but after that I am finding an asylum and checking in.

Jeff I am sorry, but I refuse to use Facebook because I consider it to be part of the downfall of society. I don't even have a smart phone. I find it to be very creepy, and I when it first started I said I wouldn't get involved, and I plan to do that even if it kills me.

I am senses that you don't want me around because of my Asperger's. I am not asking for advice about that... I go to my shrink for that. I was just letting you know why I need my advice to be a bit more clear and structured in an instructional way than the average bear. So you can understand that I am not trying to be stupid as some joke.

jeff's picture

Well...

I didn't suggest you need Facebook or a mobile phone. I used Facebook to meet people, but any website can achieve the same results, really.

The problem is you are asking people to provide a detailed list that includes a lot of unconscious, subconscious, and learned social cues. So, you are asking for something most people do not see as steps or a pattern or instructions.

Even if someone were to detail the steps they took to get laid, you're still missing the reasons the person they slept with wanted to have sex. Using Nanook's situation, since that is where this started: Michael wants Tanner. So, I'm sure Michael followed every step and cue and flirtation and everything he knows and has learned to do to. He may have done the exact things that got him into bed and a relationship with Nanook, but Tanner didn't care.

So, even if you have detailed instructions, there is still a HUGE missing element, which is you will never know if, when, or why the other person will be up for sex. They might not want to have sex quickly after a recent relationship. They may wait until the third date. They may want you sexually, but promised a friend they'd make sure they got home OK. They may not be into you sexually, but want to be a friend, and your sexual interest can spike the friendship.

So much of that can be unspoken, or conveyed through physical or other cues, that, well, I honestly wouldn't have a clue to instruct you about.

Of the people I've slept with, I can only tell you my interest and motivations. There is a huge list of people I'd easily sleep with whom I haven't, some of them know, some don't, some may find out if the timing is ever right, and on and on.

There are also people who may want to sleep with me, and I don't know. They might even be on my list, and we just haven't found a right moment to go there. The people I have slept with may have completely surprising reasons for sleeping with me that I don't know.

I'm just trying to convey that you are asking for something that is nearly impossible. If there were 8 foolproof steps to get me laid tonight, I wouldn't be typing this. ;-)

Let's avoid the old dirge of how I want you off the site. I'm not optimistic you'll get actionable support on here, but that's your call.

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"You don't know you're beautiful." - Harry Styles

Yamamoto's picture

So basically what your

So basically what your saying is that I have to force people to have to sex with me? Which I know that is not what your saying, but combined with all the information I now have about my situation. My realization on my lack of emotional enjoyment of social interactions... and various other things. Jeff it is at that moment, that it all transforms into the realization that such drastic steps are all I have left. Which are not even steps in the first place because I am not a bad person, or at least don't want to be remembered as such. I give up... Seriously... just like I told my shrink today... I give up.

jeff's picture

Hehe...

As you have stated before, I don't know anything about Aspergers, or your other conditions that combine with it, so I can only comment on our ability to provide you with what you are asking for.

I would never jump to a conclusion of what that means for you for the same reasons, I don't know about your situations and the options available to you. I of course also don't know if there truly are no options available to you, or you have just ruled them out.

I fail to see how "force" and "drastic steps" would be your only options, nor how they would be higher on the list than prostitution.

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"You don't know you're beautiful." - Harry Styles

Yamamoto's picture

Because prostitution would

Because prostitution would not provide a positive result, but would only satisfty me and then throw guilt on top of all of that. Since I would have went through all this trouble in life for nothing, and it would not fit into my personal romantic vision of it, which is not as complicated as it sound. Simply someone who I am in a relationship with verses a random person... I hope you understand what I mean.

With the forcing someone thing... at least I will be killed some time afterward whenever the cops try to get me... Then I can force them to kill me as a method of sucidice, known as 'sucidie by cop'.

jeff's picture

hehe...

Honestly, if prostitution would only lead to guilt and not a positive result, and a forced rape would be OK because the cops would have to shoot you off of your victim, I really have to say you're sort of in a world I have no relation to at that point.

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"You don't know you're beautiful." - Harry Styles

Bosemaster42's picture

Guilt,

is a false emotion(created by our minds). Which isn't to say you won't feel it, but when you equate feeling guilty because you had sex with a prostitute, that's guilt created by your mind, most likely based on what you think other people will think about you, for having done it. Of course, there's no need to broadcast this fact to the world.
All I can say is don't give up, try to learn as much as you can about your condition. Knowledge is everything and can help you figure out how you can establish a relationship to satisfy your romantic nature. Jeff isn't trying to get rid of you, if you think about it, talking to others who share your condition should be of great benefit to figure out what you need to do.

Yamamoto's picture

Thank you for the support

Thank you for the support about my condition, but I was diagnosed when I was about 10 Bosemaster... and have been receiving treatment since then. I went to the college I did, because they have a mentor/therapy/academic help program for people specifically with my disability. I have met one good friend while in there, though I think he gets more out of our friendship than I do, because I kind of act like a big brother to him. I don't mind doing this :)

As for the sex thing, the guilt is not what people will think of me. It has to do with self guilt. I am just a very romantic person by nature. So having my first time be romantic is kind of important to me. That is all it is based around. That doesn't come from anywhere else, but me. Heck if I could do something like that through paying someone I would (Though even when dating your still paying someone ;) ) so it is not the act of having sex with a prostitute itself that causes guilt.

UPDATE: Recently I have been checking out the internet dating scene... and I am starting to feel a bit more hopeful about my situation. Any chick who says 'Only message me if you know what "Only God knows what Bad Wolf means" ' has got to be bad ass(For those who don't know it is a Dr. Who reference to the 9th Doctor era, and he is my fav from the new Doctors)... or a rapist dude in disquse :P

Bosemaster42's picture

Okay,

Yeah, I knew you were in college, but I wasn't sure what degree your condition is. However, just from talking to you online, I would guess it's mild. It's also great you have support at school. I just didn't want you thinking you had no choice but 'Raping and Pillaging', if you know what I mean. Hey, just be patient, I believe there's someone out there for everyone, and sometimes it happens when you least expect it to.

Yamamoto's picture

I know Bosemaster, but it is

I know Bosemaster, but it is just hard to... It especially bothers me when I see so many people around me who are all not doing the right thing getting exactly what I want, and for me there is no finish line in sight. If you get my meaning...

I know the above may sound judgmental of other people, but it is not meant to be. It is meant more as a common sense usage and not a set value on right and wrong.

Bosemaster42's picture

It's too easy,

getting caught up in what other people are doing and how they may go about their business. The best advice I can offer is not to concern yourself with the actions of others. The finish line is there, you just haven't reached it yet. It's pointless to compare yourself with others, it will only aggravate you and that serves no useful purpose. Yes, there are scores of people who get laid, but it's not all cherries and whipped cream. Some people use manipulation or deception to get laid. Does it work? Yeah, sometimes, but does it last? Most likely not. Others can be abusive and still get laid, I've seen far too many examples of this, and yeah, it bothers me, but there's only so much you can do. Jealousy(another false emotion) will only hinder you, as a person, so don't allow it a place in your mind, Let it go.

Yamamoto's picture

All of it easier said than

All of it easier said than done my friend... A lot easier said than done.

jeff's picture

Hmm...

To quote a famous philosopher: "Nobody said it was easy. No one ever said it would be this hard."

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"You don't know you're beautiful." - Harry Styles

lonewolf678's picture

On friend making.

It's complex, but I find the easiest way is to just talk with someone who might be in your class sitting next to you. That's how I met a few of my friends. It probably seems pretty hard to make that step, I used to be a bit of an introvert myself. But I think once you make a few good friends you become a bit more extroverted.

At least that's how it was with me. Trust me, the college experience is much more enjoyable when you have good friends.

Yamamoto's picture

I agree that the college

I agree that the college experience is much more fun with a few good friends. I have one semester of experience from my small two year school as proof. Sadly though things did not work out so well when I transferred, and at this point I am about to graduate in 3 weeks making the point quite moot.

jeff's picture

Yeah...

No one needs friends after college... ;-)

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"You don't know you're beautiful." - Harry Styles

Yamamoto's picture

I didn't exactly mean that

I didn't exactly mean that Jeff... :P I have friends from my two year college I keep up with. I just don't have anyone from my four year college that I plan on keeping up with, with one possible exception. He is pretty awesome, not just because of the fact is family started a big meat seasoning company, and yet they are super chill and you can hardly tell about the amount of money they have.

I have plans for internships, and other things. Plus a dating website I am using, along with a writing club I want to do back in my home town (Even though most of the people in it are older people, it was like spending time with my grandma five times over... so that was super awesome.) Then I also realized recently that I will be able to take up martial arts class again. Didn't know the place were they taught them had not shut down, but instead had moved.