I am messed up.

Meow's picture

It's been a year of college. A lot has changed. It has been a fun, crazy, hectic ride, with full on studies, friends, and some crazy emotional stuff, as well as interesting projects.

Let me get right into the messed up part.
There's this girl I like, a lot. True to my pattern, she is straight. I told her that I am not straight at the end of last semester. She has become a very good friend of mine.

We keep telling each other that we love each other, though I know she means it as a friend. She keeps saying stuff like 'marry me' and 'everyone is pairing up - we have each other!', and I knew to take it with a pinch of salt and not expect her to feel the same way, because she's just like that. Recently, she told me that she read something which was very sweet, described a person who was everything to them, and at the end had 'my only security is knowing that you are a part of my life, and are a true friend and possibly a soul mate. I opened my heart knowing that it could be broken, and in doing so felt a love that was so real that it was scary'.
She didn't write this, but she shared it with me and told me that she thought of me after every line, she thought of the boy she liked after some lines but of me after every line. And then she said, 'Please marry me?'. I jokingly asked her if she was still straight, and she said yes, and we left the matter there after I jokingly said yes.

Now I know I know I know that she is straight, that she does not think of me that way, and I am fine with being just a friend as long as I continue to be her friend, but I can't help but feel a hope every time she says stuff like this, and that is just unhealthy. Do you think I should tell her to stop? But there is no way of saying that without telling her that I love her, which I don't want to do because that might make things awkward and would put the friendship at risk.

I just don't know what to do. Every time I feel like I should tell her just so that she would cool it with the lovey dovey stuff so that I don't think that she is finally into me, I remember that I am putting the friendship at risk.
And also, I cannot cannot avoid her or stop talking to her. I can't imagine not talking to her.

Comments

elph's picture

If she's teasing you...

that'd be cruel... but, it's quite likely she is unaware of the effect she's having on you.

I'd confront her directly... but prefaced by, "Whatever happens, you should know that I really wish to remain your friend... (now's the time for honesty)..."

Meow's picture

How is this? 'Remember how I

How is this?
'Remember how I told you that nothing has changed and that I am the same so you shouldn't treat me any differently? Well, treat me a little differently. I know that when you say this stuff, you don't take it seriously, but I might. So it would really help make everything clear if you didn't say this stuff, because it is messing with me a little. And I'm not going anywhere, I'm still your friend.'

jeff's picture

Well...

I'm not sure that you need to say anything, really. You just need to start trying to find some gay friends/someone to date.

If you just sit around swooning over this one straight girl, and reading all these signals as though things are going to change, despite her saying they aren't, that all seems to be on you, not her.

If your only gay stimulus is one girl who isn't going to do anything about it, it seems like your lack of seeking someone else is your dilemma.

Once you stop putting all of your hopes and dreams on her, there won't be anything that you need to change with your relationship. It will just sort out itself naturally.

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"You don't know you're beautiful." - Harry Styles

Meow's picture

Word.

Word.

Meow's picture

Actually, it's not like

Actually, it's not like that. I have not pinned all my hopes and dreams on her. I know very well that nothing is going to happen and am very happy to be her friend.

jeff's picture

OK...

Whether you know that's not going to happen and whether you like being her friend doesn't mean you're still not limiting your potential for an actual relationship by focusing on her, no?

If I'm misunderstanding your relationship, I am doing it based on your description of it, though. ;-)

---
"You don't know you're beautiful." - Harry Styles

Meow's picture

That is true.. however, I

That is true.. however, I may not even be looking for a relationship, as such, to happen, because well, this is India and where are all the gay people?!

jeff's picture

http://indiatoday.intoday.in/

http://indiatoday.intoday.in/gallery/mumbai-shows-solidarity-lgbt-commun...

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"You don't know you're beautiful." - Harry Styles

Meow's picture

However, yes, I see that I

However, yes, I see that I don't actually have to tell her anything, will just let it play out.

Meow's picture

I'll be on the look out :)

I'll be on the look out :) Thanks!