Why Can't 'Normal Guys' Calm Down?

Yamamoto's picture

For anyone who is wondering, part of the title is a very amusing innuendo from the movie version of Lolita. One of my favorite parts actually... :P

Sometimes I can't help, but find myself completely amused at the irony when I realized how stupid this all was. I mean literally everyone I see around me just looks like a bunch of children acting stupid. Then I realized something... I have grown up. Even my sub conscious reactions are for the long term positive and not short term youthful stupidity. So that is why after an examination of so many things I began to wonder if some of my choices are my own, or because I am realizing that I can never have what I am looking for in a reasonable manner.

I have started to ask myself do 'Normal Guys' calm down. I am sorry that I have a very austere personality, and I go through my cycles, but from what I have seen. Now that I can speak from experience and not conjecture, is that because well let's face it... males are males, that they never will calm down. This is not me bringing down judgment, but simply stating an observation. It is something I don't understand, and at this point find it childish the lack of control that people have. This is true for many other things, but we can get into that later, or maybe even another journal if you want me to give my opinions on other things. For this one though I say something only because I feel that it has effected me. It means that I will have to conform to what the world wants from me, if I want to get what I want.

Now given that this is the case, I have decided that maybe going with another choice is better. I have recently found myself growing colder and more heartless towards others, since that is the way they treat me. So I figure why not be in a relationship were this kind of stuff doesn't matter, because of the fact I don't care. I mean I refuse to be in one where my partner has no self respect and can't control himself, because frankly I find that women at least as a whole... do have more self control in that area. Even if this is society expectations forced on them that create that overriding whole, or not... and don't start bringing up the exceptions because dating is numbers game. So let's start looking at these numbers and think about this logically.

I am a 23 year old male never been on a date, with Asperger's, Bi-Polar, and AD-HD. My social skills are sub par at best, and my medication, which I refuse to stop because I have never had a better balance in my life has made this harder. Usually I forgot things mid sentence, and cannot express my ideas to a level that I depend on the fact that people know me and what I mean for most of my commutation. I have a back problem which is muscle based and cannot be fixed by surgery, only psychical therapy, which I have been trying to do. Still I usually mistaken for a hunchback because of this problem. I also have quite a few fetishes which would be a turn off unless it was the right type of person. I have a Bachelors in History, (Not that people give a shit about how smart you are these days especially when you can't express it verbally.) and I have had to fight tooth and nail to get to were I am in life, so accepting a relationship and partner who is sub-par is unacceptable. It would just be cheating myself, because if my intelligence doesn't make up for the fact I am not overly attractive I don't want them anyway. The fact I am trying to better myself quite actively should be plenty, considering the mental battle I go through every day to not break down. Bi-polar is not easy shit... and the fact I function as well as I do is something I take great pride in, because I was recently told by someone who I first revealed my disabilities to that they had no clue and they were impressed how I handle it very well.

Now considering that dating is a numbers game, this doesn't allow me to be lax with my chances. I have to accept anything and everyone, but time is limited. So that means that I can't focus my personal efforts on the two sub-groups that I would prefer, and have to simply settle for what will give me the highest odds with whatever I draw. Even if the other person end up wasting a portion of their life on an relationship were they mean nothing to me, well I am not able to care any more. Because I don't have any other choice, because a bunch of 'Normal Guys' can't remain calm. Please tell me why... I don't understand why we can't have some self control around here people. I mean given all the self control I have to put on myself every day, and the tight fisted reign I have to have on my mind and emotions, there is no excuse for such ungoverned actions in those whose minds are not fettered with chemical imbalance. If this type of behavior was something I observed in a small enough number it would be fine, but I fear that be time they are old enough to control themselves like me.Then frankly we will all be too old to care and by that point, a piece of my life will be gone. No... not gone... stolen...

Comments

jeff's picture

Well...

You have connected the two thoughts of maturity and calming down, accept it as a standard truth, and then wonder why no one is able to do it.

I don't think they line up the way you say. If someone is single, they can behave in a way that gets them more numbers or more prospects. Sometimes you meet someone, are into them, but you know you'd never want to be with them long-term, so you can decide to not sleep with them at all, OR put them in the numbers column and have fun.

If you are into them as a potential dating thing, then that could alter where and how fast things might go sexually. But I think there is a lot more nuance going on than just "maturity" and "calm" being the stated goal. Sure, people who want to be in long-term sexual relationships are no longer "on the hunt," but they don't become neutered, either. You still see all the hot guys, etc., you just don't care as much.

As for how people treat you, I always believe we teach people how to react to us. So, if people treat you a certain way, that is their reaction to what you are putting out there. You can say it is the Aspy or the bipolar or all the other stuff you rightly claim I don't know about, but... that doesn't mean they aren't reacting to how that stuff makes you seem to them.

When I lived in the gay ghetto in San Francisco, I always heard from people who refused to go to one gym in the heart of the Castro, people saying it was full of body fascists and steroid queens, who looked down on everyone, etc. This was my gym and, sadly, I've never liked my body. BUT, I also never experienced anything like they said, because I went in believing it wasn't true. So, I would have the most ripped actors, models, and porn stars showing me how to do a machine to get better results, working in with them on a machine, talking. It was completely fine. The other people had an issue that their bodies would be judged there, and took any stare or anything else as proof, while projecting an image that made no one want to come near them. This is a pretty normal thing people do. If you want to believe something, you'll probably get a chance to prove yourself right.

So, people in the right relationship have no interest in outside sexual activity. They are happy with their partner. So, you are starting from a place of incorrect assumption, and then building from there.

If you have fetishes, start there. Find that community. It increases your odds of finding someone who will accept them, as opposed to finding random people and then hoping they might like some niche thing. That's why there is a leather community, a bear community, a fetish community, etc., etc.

So, it's hard to say more about how you can find someone since gays can't be calm, if I don't agree with your premise. The guys who aren't calm around you... are just indicating they aren't interested in being with your long-term. Not that they refuse to settle down at all...

(I'm out of town for a few days, so no replies forthcoming after this until Friday)

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"You don't know you're beautiful." - Harry Styles

Yamamoto's picture

Oh... Now it makes sense...

Oh... Now it makes sense... So your saying I shouldn't hide how I really think of my fellow humans? I mean frankly Jeff when I am alone I think of the rest of the human race as lower than me, like little children running around. I have never been able to do this in the real word, but from what you a saying that if I just act that way in the real word, and be confident then it will all work out.

Oh and prove my premise wrong Jeff... on the immaturity of the gay community in my age range. You don't have the observational experience that I do. I mean seriously, most of my peers act like children, so I am not even going to start into this.

In fact I am not even able to form my ideas properly anymore because I don't know what I am trying to say. All I know is that my therapist have thrown up there hands because I keep going around in circles... I don't know were I am going, and I just want to die. Seriously... I just want to kill myself. You don't understand what would be required for someone to be in a relationship with me. My shrink told me bluntly that it would not be possiable because of the number of factors I need combined with how many of them are required for me to feel attracted to the person.

That is the reason I have stopped socializing this summer and have done nothing but vicariously lived through RPing. It has allowed me to customize every piece of what I want to happen, and even the events I would expect to happen and in what order. Control is something I have to have and without it... well that is just unacceptable when your as unstable as me. Plus I would probably end up stabbing my partner to death anyway like any other crazy person. I mean really there is no point, and I have spoken many times to my shrink about how much I think about suicide, but I am not able to do it. It is actually my dream, but I can't do it because I am too scared to do it myself.

If a relationship is impossiable for me to have, then I don't want to live. I mean I have stated that many times, and when people ask me why I am still talking they don't consider the obvious. Because I need something to do until I get the courage to kill myself one day. Oh and my shirnk said they can't do anything because that is not techinally a threat, and thinking about it is not actually grounds for locking me up. Not that I want to be, given that it will intrupt me getting a degree in a few days... not that I give a shit about that because all that will do is mean I have to get a job... and be a faggot who makes money. I mean I will end up going to work and coming and doing nothing. I can get involved in the community all I want, but no one exsist that can live up to what I need... It just doesn't exsist, and even if I compromised, that would mean I wouldn't care about the person. They would be something I tolerated... and would lead to risk for abuse because I would be mean to them for not being what I wanted and pray dear god I am on my meds when I am like that :P

I am sorry but even if I wanted to get involved in communities, frankly Jeff I can't. Because at 23 my mom pretty much controls my life because of disabilities, and my naïve nature on what I would need to live alone. The only way she is not able to barge into my life and basically sarcastic comment me out of having any interest by destroying any self confidence I have in trying. Plus I have no money that is mine. I also live in an area were it is kind of small town, but I don't want to leave, because I find big cities to be very dangerous. I don't like having that many people around, because I have a lot of paranoia problems when it comes to cities. Small towns are just safer, and you can raise more animals there.

"So, people in the right relationship have no interest in outside sexual activity. They are happy with their partner. So, you are starting from a place of incorrect assumption, and then building from there."- I call bullshit on this one... because in this case you are calling monogamous relationships impossible. My grandparents were married for 51 years before my grandfather died recently. So I don't want to hear that kind of lie, unless this is again strictly a thought of the gay community, which again seriously worries me on my chances.

jeff's picture

Well...

That depends. I think people should get to a point where they are honest with themselves and what they are looking for in a relationship, and that you shouldn't be playing a role when you are with other people.

That said, if your constant is that you are better than everyone and they are immature, then you would need to work on yourself to change that view. The whole part about truth and honesty has to be somewhat built on you learning how to attract people into your life, but I don't think having a negative viewpoint on life or your potential dating pool benefits either of them.

Proving your wrong is easy! The gay community isn't capable of being mature or immature, since it isn't a specific thing. People in the closet think the gay community is too flamboyant. People in religious communities may think the gay community is trying to destroy the sanctity of marriage. And you think the gay community is immature. In each example, the "gay community" is based on who the person defining the community is, their viewpoint of the gay community, the lens through which they look at the world, and their own experience.

So, in your view, the gay community is immature. But is that about the way they date and their views on sex, what about the fight for marriage equality is immature? For equal rights? For people kicked out of their homes who are brought into the community and feel like they finally found the home they never had? That is the same immature community? Plus, if you're in college, that is the best time ever to be immature. For many, that is when the time to be immature ends, so may as well enjoy it.

If you only mean people are immature because they don't share your viewpoints and values, then we also have to accept your version of maturity, which no one may be agree with. So, easier to have opinions about you and the world than to make it into some Sisphysian struggle of you trying to get millions of people to get on board with your view of how they should live.

As I've said before, I don't personally know the lines of where your issues start as far as the aspy, bipolar, etc., since those aren't anything I can address re: dating. But my sense is they play a role, but then there is potentially a detailed matrix that you've built on top of it as to how difficult you would be to date, and how it is so hard to find anybody, and all these factors, and I have to imagine some of that stuff isn't related to the other conditions, but is something you made connected to them, and can change and remove.

Like, the thing about maturity... I don't see how that is AHD or Aspy or anything else, really. That is stuff limiting your options on top of all those things, but not only does it stay, you don't question that everything in your path is unalterably true. It's sort of like you ensure you are undateable, that no one would ever date you, and that the world could never align for those two things to be wrong. Only you don't win or benefit if those are true, so better to get rid of as much of the extra baggage as you can?

Again, if you're 23, a college grad, and able to get a job, how can your mom control your life? There is no option for you to live on your own and get some disability or something to pick up the tab on whatever she is providing?

If you continually think nothing in your life can change, why do you keep seeming to want it to? Doesn't that indicate some form of hope? If you say the world is X, Y and Z, so I will never fit in and get what I want... then why aren't you just accepting that as the truth and moving on? If you continue to not want it to be true, I just think you know it isn't as black and white as you make it?

As for the end, I'm not sure where the disconnect is. I said people can be in happy, committed relationships and not be on the prowl for sex all the time, and your counter example is that your grandparents were married for 51 years?!

Those sound like the same thing to me.

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"You don't know you're beautiful." - Harry Styles

Yamamoto's picture

"Plus, if you're in college,

"Plus, if you're in college, that is the best time ever to be immature. For many, that is when the time to be immature ends, so may as well enjoy it." - I don't enjoy most of the things offered in the college environment that I was forced to attend. Because of my disabilities I had to go to a certain university with a support program for people with my disability. It is a exclusive program, and I don't regret being in it, but I am just sad they didn't have it at a school which would have been a better environment. I have talked to other kids in the program with me, and they kind of agree, especially those who have my taste and interest when it comes to activities. So I decided to focus on my grades and school work, nothing wrong with that, and I have come out of college not only with a degree, but with the start of a series of novels which I plan to finish and prefect to make sure it gets sold well hopefully.

"Is that about the way they date and their views on sex? Too flamboyant."-Yes it is about the way that they date, and there views on sex, and frankly the too flamboyant thing bothers me Jeff because I don't like that to reflect on me. I am sorry if this sounds mean, but the only reason I can see any reason for a person to act like that is as a method for getting attention. It is just very annoying and seems like an attention getting method at the cost of accidently promoting a stereotype.

"What about the fight for marriage equality is immature? For equal rights? For people kicked out of their homes who are brought into the community and feel like they finally found the home they never had?"- Neither of these things have anything to do with me so I could care less. I will not get married to either sex, because I don't like the idea of the contract that it creates. I don't want to risk anything that I own because I plan to raise a lot of animals and there well being will be my primary concern and so remaining settled will be important. As for the other part I can't relate to it in any way shape or form, and again not to be heartless, but in my mind I don't care because those were just people who were not smart in how they played their cards. Didn't hide things well enough if they needed to until they could support themselves, or didn't at least scout out their parents feelings before blurting out info. Plus my parents just kind of accepted it and so did my grandparents.

"Again, if you're 23, a college grad, and able to get a job, how can your mom control your life? There is no option for you to live on your own and get some disability or something to pick up the tab on whatever she is providing?"- It is a long story on this part, but Jeff I realize that I have a good thing going that most people don't. A lot of opportunities that most don't. So I would rather stay on the path that I am, even if it is making things emotionally harder for now, because what you are talking about is very risky. The path I am on, has a lot of things planned out, and I know were I am going, and that is not something a lot of people can say. That is why I have hope, but my rage and misery simply comes from the fact that there is just one part of my self that has never been able to express itself and with a lot of hormones and mania effecting me, it just gets worse.

The simple fact is that I am a very kinky person with a higher sex drive then I am willing to admit because it embarrasses me, but the Asperger's makes me very social awkward so I am nervous to express it, but that doesn't mean that all of that desire and everything goes away. Mix this in that in with the fact that I am not very pretty and it is not a good combo, since I don't have a hyper abundance of one thing to offset the other. By that I mean confidence/personality/looks I only really got the one in the middle, because the idea of being mean only comes from the potential desire to give up. So it just stays everyday and builds and builds and builds... and really I have nothing I can do about it that I am not afraid of doing. I have always had help in my life doing everything new, so that I could learn it easily, but with this I am completely on my own and so I feel like it is something I can't do. :(

jeff's picture

The common theme...

... is that you want to remain separate from the world, in that anything that doesn't directly impact you has no merit or interest, so that will continue to hamper your social skills.

You didn't like the social element of college, so you focused on your studies.

You don't like anyone to act in a way that causes others to perceive sexuality differently (flamboyant, slutty, etc.).

You only care about things that directly affect you, not improve life for anyone else (equal rights, marriage equality).

You don't appreciate the struggle of someone who came out to their parents and weren't accepted as you were. And say they should have waited until they were able to support themselves, which you don't do personally.

Part of being among people is that you sort of have to accept everyone's path, be happy for things that don't personally affect you, empathize with people who have it worse than you, but you seem to reject all of these ideas, and only focus on your own narrow path of how the world should be, how your views and opinions are all that matters, and such...

Seems like you need to break down a bunch of the rules and walls if anyone else is meant to get in. As for the rest, attractiveness and kink often have little to do with one another. I mean, look up videos of the Folsom Street Fair, and it is all ages, body types, and everything, doing their thing.

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"You don't know you're beautiful." - Harry Styles

Yamamoto's picture

I try to empathize with

I try to empathize with people Jeff, but it is not exactly as easy as you think. That is a big part of Asperger's is problems with empathy. Now I personally have always been able to empathize with animals, and somewhat with people, so I am getting better at it... it is just a lot harder for me than most. It is kind of hard to explain really, but I have heard it sometimes heard it explained as some people with Asperger's find themselves associating with Data from Star Trek in his quest to become human.

This was something I didn't know, but I still think it would help me to gain confidence, which I plan to start changing that when I get home from school. Finally I will have my degree and I want a job (I don't care what it is... :P ) I want to try and get some internships, and I am going to take up martial arts classes, which actually my mentor/shrink said he thought that would be pretty healthy for me as a outlet for some of my repressed rage and just a good chance to exercise and keep a schedule while I home. That is usually what causes me to fall apart bi-polar wise is going home :P Because of lack of structure in that I am not getting out and doing things like going to class and shopping for food, or doing my weekly journey to my favorite restaurant to eat. Plus I had a long talk with my step-dad and he said he will talk to my mom about staying out my dating business, so I think I might have handled that... My step-dad has always been someone I could count on to step up to the plate for me no matter what. :)