For anyone who is wondering, part of the title is a very amusing innuendo from the movie version of Lolita. One of my favorite parts actually... :P
Sometimes I can't help, but find myself completely amused at the irony when I realized how stupid this all was. I mean literally everyone I see around me just looks like a bunch of children acting stupid. Then I realized something... I have grown up. Even my sub conscious reactions are for the long term positive and not short term youthful stupidity. So that is why after an examination of so many things I began to wonder if some of my choices are my own, or because I am realizing that I can never have what I am looking for in a reasonable manner.
I have started to ask myself do 'Normal Guys' calm down. I am sorry that I have a very austere personality, and I go through my cycles, but from what I have seen. Now that I can speak from experience and not conjecture, is that because well let's face it... males are males, that they never will calm down. This is not me bringing down judgment, but simply stating an observation. It is something I don't understand, and at this point find it childish the lack of control that people have. This is true for many other things, but we can get into that later, or maybe even another journal if you want me to give my opinions on other things. For this one though I say something only because I feel that it has effected me. It means that I will have to conform to what the world wants from me, if I want to get what I want.
Now given that this is the case, I have decided that maybe going with another choice is better. I have recently found myself growing colder and more heartless towards others, since that is the way they treat me. So I figure why not be in a relationship were this kind of stuff doesn't matter, because of the fact I don't care. I mean I refuse to be in one where my partner has no self respect and can't control himself, because frankly I find that women at least as a whole... do have more self control in that area. Even if this is society expectations forced on them that create that overriding whole, or not... and don't start bringing up the exceptions because dating is numbers game. So let's start looking at these numbers and think about this logically.
I am a 23 year old male never been on a date, with Asperger's, Bi-Polar, and AD-HD. My social skills are sub par at best, and my medication, which I refuse to stop because I have never had a better balance in my life has made this harder. Usually I forgot things mid sentence, and cannot express my ideas to a level that I depend on the fact that people know me and what I mean for most of my commutation. I have a back problem which is muscle based and cannot be fixed by surgery, only psychical therapy, which I have been trying to do. Still I usually mistaken for a hunchback because of this problem. I also have quite a few fetishes which would be a turn off unless it was the right type of person. I have a Bachelors in History, (Not that people give a shit about how smart you are these days especially when you can't express it verbally.) and I have had to fight tooth and nail to get to were I am in life, so accepting a relationship and partner who is sub-par is unacceptable. It would just be cheating myself, because if my intelligence doesn't make up for the fact I am not overly attractive I don't want them anyway. The fact I am trying to better myself quite actively should be plenty, considering the mental battle I go through every day to not break down. Bi-polar is not easy shit... and the fact I function as well as I do is something I take great pride in, because I was recently told by someone who I first revealed my disabilities to that they had no clue and they were impressed how I handle it very well.
Now considering that dating is a numbers game, this doesn't allow me to be lax with my chances. I have to accept anything and everyone, but time is limited. So that means that I can't focus my personal efforts on the two sub-groups that I would prefer, and have to simply settle for what will give me the highest odds with whatever I draw. Even if the other person end up wasting a portion of their life on an relationship were they mean nothing to me, well I am not able to care any more. Because I don't have any other choice, because a bunch of 'Normal Guys' can't remain calm. Please tell me why... I don't understand why we can't have some self control around here people. I mean given all the self control I have to put on myself every day, and the tight fisted reign I have to have on my mind and emotions, there is no excuse for such ungoverned actions in those whose minds are not fettered with chemical imbalance. If this type of behavior was something I observed in a small enough number it would be fine, but I fear that be time they are old enough to control themselves like me.Then frankly we will all be too old to care and by that point, a piece of my life will be gone. No... not gone... stolen...