I'm just wondering because literally every single guy I meet leaves me. This includes friends. I talk to these guys and they talk to me for two weeks and then BAM! They suddenly stop without ever telling me why and act as if I don't exist. I actually stopped caring about my apartment and wouldn't clean for six months. I'm so lonely now that I argue with myself and lose. I'm just so pathetic. :(
Poor is the man
Whose pleasures depend
On the permission of another
Love me, that's right, love me
I wanna be your baby
Wanting, needing, waiting
For you to justify my love
For you to justify my love
I'm open and ready
If LITERALLY every single guy you talk to abandons you after awhile and you really aren't exaggerating, you are the one constant in that equation. It can't be every guy's fault entirely. Maybe the way you put yourself out there drives others away, or maybe you subconsciously take steps to distance yourself from others. Analyze your own behavior andthe way you interact with others, and maybe you'll find that you need to correct a fewthings.
That's just it. I DON'T know what goes wrong! Everyone just leave me for no real reason at all.
Pokémon Geek, I will have to say honestly that this is a question that no one can answer for you. I have been in this situation for a long time before coming to my own answer that worked for me, but it is something that you have to figure out for yourself.
Most people will give you the same advice over and over. The vague piece of rhetoric 'It might the way you are putting yourself out there' or various forms of that piece of advice that can be made up. Yet when you ask them to explain you will receive nothing but silence, because really it is another way of saying, 'I don't know, but I am going to give you fake advice to try and help you feel better because I care.' Which if nothing else shows that they at least want to help, but as I said before... it is something that you have to figure out for yourself.
With that said... all I can do is give you my perspective. Why not instead sit down and write a list of life goals like I did, but there is a catch. Make it a list that is so incredible, that it makes you like you will probably die as an eccentric bachelor by the time it is complete... since you had no time for relationships in the first place. Aka 'The Most Interesting Man Alive'... :P What this did for me is that it stopped me from really worrying about it all that much, since I don't need anyone else to fulfill me and I am building quite a lot of reasons for someone to want me by making myself more attractive and interesting. :)
Wasn't giving fake advice. All I was saying is that if every single guy he talks to stops speaking to him, it can't just be completely their fault. Communication and socializing require two people.
Okay, here's an example. I've mentioned in my journals recently that I've lost nearly all of my friends this summer. But I never put the blame on them alone; I take responsibility for my failed friendships as well. Because I detached myself from people this summer.
I mean, I am trying to give the best advice I can, but you must understand that it is really hard to give advice on this subject because I don't know how PokemonGeek is in real life; I can't observe him out and about socializing, and I can't probe into his brain and understand his behaviors. All I can do is make my advice general, which is for him to simply take a mental note of how he interacts with people and how they respond and take it from there.
You do have a good point, Yama. People really do have to figure it out for themselves ultimately.
Maybe fake advice wasn't exactly the right word... I believe that you used a better term by calling it 'general advice'... Which I have always found to be the type that while well meant, is just pointless because it doesn't help and can in some cases hurt. At least though it shows you care *Huggles* :)
I agree with radiosilence.
Obviously you could just be ranting and exaggerating. If you're not, it's probably something you're doing.
Most relationships do end though. And I don't mean that in a cynical kind of way, but more a descriptive statistical kind of way. If you're young, you're likely to break up and meet other people before you find someone you settle down with. Statistically that would make sense if you are some third party observer looking at your life holistically, but as a person who is experiencing it - it will seem like people are leaving you. Nonetheless, since you said these relationships and friendships last less than two weeks - you may have some self-reflection to do. I mean that in the nicest way possible.
The guys I meet aren't even dating me before they stop talking to me! HALF of them I don't even meet in person! So how can they "break up" with me? I don't understand how that phrase petains to my situation. I am literally out of options on where and how to meet guys. The ONLY gay bar less than 45 minutes away from me is closing and would only be open AFTER 9 PM Tuesday through Saturday and online dating is causing me to see how unwanted I am. Sometimes I don't even SEE the point in looking presentable to be part of a society where no man will even WANT to talk to me after TWO weeks! I don't even think I'm special enough for a guy to even want me. I mean I'm so pathetic that the ONLY guys that WON'T leave me are literally plastic! I am forced to make out with Ken dolls and I'm pretty sure you CAN'T go any lower than that.
Alright now I am going to have to point something out here to you Pokémon... number one... If you are looking for longer term relationships I don't see why you are worried about the bar scene anyway. It doesn't sound like the one that you have available is really helping, so save that for simply having fun.
Number two... when it comes to internet dating... well lets just say that it is better to play a numbers game. Also it is easier to put your best picture, and foot forward since they will only see you on your profile, then dates, and then even more until they are integrated into your life more and more. So there is actually less work involved in actually how long you have to keep up appearances. Plus I understand that you say you get focused on one guy, but that is kind of why you are not having such a good time with internet dating. The only time that you need to cut off talking to other guys is when it seems that one of the relationships might get serious. So I would put off meeting them face to face for a bit longer than you normally do and see what happens.
Number three... I know that you feel sad, but fight that urge to not look presentable. Now the reason that you should do it is not for the guys who you want to be with, but for yourself. Because I have, as much as I hate to admit it, found that when I am presentable I feel good... and when I am not... I feel worse. Usually the more you do this, then the better effect it will have and the more you will want to make yourself presentable just for the sake of being presentable.
Number four... As for the Ken Doll thing... If it is something that is making you depressed then why don't you stop doing it. I had something similar that I was doing when it came to what made me feel safe, by imagining I had something to protect me in the darkness... until I realized that it was just my imagination. Now I am training in martial arts to take my paranoia into my own hands and make it were I don't feel scared of others anymore. I understand that the concept is a bit different, but I am sure you can figure out your version of it to help you.
I am taking martial arts but I can't meet any gay guys in my area. My only resources are literally just one bar and online dating. I just can't get any guys to talk to me for more than two weeks. I keep messaging so many guys and no one even responds. And if they do, they unregister after talking to me. What I mean is someone more messed up than me like Tom Cruise can get someone to stay for years but I can't?!
Alright then Pokémon geek, I believe that the new question you should be asking yourself is... why is having a relationship your main focus. Because from the way you are talking, it sounds like it is. Since you live in an area were it is hard to find a relationship, the best thing to do would be to just make that a side goal. Something that you might or might not accomplish, but you don't give a shit about. Take that life goal list I suggested you make and simply focus on completing those goals instead... I mean what martial art are you taking? For me my plan is to actually master it, no matter how long it takes or what I have to do. So pour yourself into that... I mean... later on in life... having cool abilities like that will come in handy and be super badass sexy if you get what I mean ;P
Plus I am curious... how old are you Pokémon... because if you have not been to college yet sweety... then you are way to young to be worried about this problem. :) I mean if you haven't gone to college then I can say that you haven't gotten a good chance yet... since it seems you have been stuck in one place for so long.
I'm 28 and I just want a relationship because I'm just so lonely. My goal is to NOT die alone. Everyone else I know are either married or getting married. I take Tang Soo Do as my martial arts training but I take it so I can protect myself.
Pokémon Geek... you are only 28... you have plenty of time left. Beside I can tell you that right now that anyone you know who is getting married or married is silly. Because that just means they have less money for themselves. :P So lucky you!!! :D
Well if you take it to protect yourself for now... then why don't you change your goal to something different? Make your reason to take it so that you can have more confidence and also be really good at it. I mean you seem like a really nice guy Pokémon, and I don't know about much of the things that you do. Do you do any other activities?
Plus considering your age I am curious why you haven't moved to somewhere that might have more opportunities in guys available?
Married people have more disposable income than single people. Not less?!
If my rent is $2000, and my partner moves in, he will pay half of that or some portion, and then I have hundreds of dollars more in my pocket each month.
What am I missing?!
Not that it matters, of course. A relationship with no change in income would still be better...
"You don't know you're beautiful." - Harry Styles
Yeah but your not factoring in that you have to buy the other person stuff... pay for things that you might not have payed for because of them. Jeff it depends on how equal the two people's incomes are who are getting together, and a lot of other factors. So actually your wrong... I mean what if one person loses there job... then what happens? :P
So, I'm wrong, because I didn't use your imagined premise of the unequal nature of two fictional people's incomes in this invented scenario? Got it. ;-)
When did this become a sugar daddy/kept boy scenario?
I think your problem is that your forgetting is that the other person also brings in a new set of expenses. Unless we are talking about a bunch of relationships were people are going with the strict what's mine is mine rule. Which frankly Jeff sounds like a roommate that you screw every now and then. Explain to me how I am wrong instead of using jokes and sarcasm please, because it is just making me more confused than I normally get when trying to explain my ideas.
I think that it boils down to the fact that your own personal profit will be less effected by the absence of another person in the long run. Considering if we look at this in a long term and responsible view of both the high divorce rate, debilitating sickness, stupid choices by said partner, the fact that relationship is comprise and something that is done together and that includes money, and just a host of other factors. I will concede that two people together will make more money, but having the other person around effects the freedom of what you do with your own money and how/how much of it, that you spend it on yourself. I hope that clears up what I was trying to say.
It never was jeff, but it makes me wonder what sort of fantasy world you live in. Because I wish I could come live in it :P
I think "wrong" was the wrong word to begin with, which is why I replied about it, since no one can be wrong about a fictional relationship with unknown parameters.
When you live with someone, your mortgage/rent doesn't double, your electric bill doesn't double, your cable bill doesn't double, your gas bill doesn't double, your Internet bill doesn't double, so there is clearly a savings there. For most people, your rent/mortgage is the biggest expense you have, usually 25-30% of your income, at least.
I mean, in NYC, I pay $2325 a month for my apartment, so if I had a boyfriend and we split the rent, and I had an extra $1160ish per month, and none of my other expenses would rise as much (groceries, clothes, entertainment, restaurants, etc) because a second person was there. And some things would stay the same (personal expenses: car insurance, etc.). In a state with marriage equality, you would also save on health benefits, and even when one of you died, you wouldn't have to pay taxes on all of the income to get it transferred because it wasn't coming from a "spouse."
I honestly cannot come up with a scenario where a second person wouldn't reduce each individual's living expenses. And, keep in mind, if I find someone in NYC, they are already affording on their own to live in NYC, so the odds are that this is someone with some sort of income/job/etc. to begin with, so there would be some contribution occurring.
Again your position does not count in the fact that there will be some problems. In fact that sounds like a prefect relationship at least from a financial perspective.
Take me for instance... I have very high medical bills because of my mental problems and all the medication that I take and all of my doctor visits. So more of my income will have to go to pay for that, along with these other bills. I mean whoever is with me wouldn't have the burden of dealing with those kinds of things if they were not with me. So at that point it makes things cheaper.
Plus your only looking at it from the perspective of people who don't want to have kids. Having kids is very expensive to raise, and frankly I don't see the value at all there either.... sighs. Again it has more to do with the freedom of choosing what to do with my money Jeff. Once your in a relationship you may have somewhat more money, but at that point it becomes 'our money'... or else that is a sadly empty relationship.
You're not really disproving anything I'm saying, just finding exceptions and examples where that might not be the case, without addressing that my math would work in 90+% of cases.
But I'd still rather have an "our" anything over a "my" anything to begin with. Like, "oh no, I'm in love and we're sharing a life together, and I might be spending money on things I might not have if I were single?!" Who cares?
In any event, that's as much time as I can spend on this...
I don't have any other activities because all the groups for things I like are an hour or more away and I don't get a lot of money because I'm on welfare. Sometimes I have to live on pasta and other carbs for two weeks straight. My whole life is basically one huge mess. I don't go to the only gay bar very often because I don't drink alcohol or have enough for a Coke. I actually feel guilty that I have never given a donation to my church and I try to make it up by volunteering for every event I can. My church doesn't know I'm gay.
You shouldn't feel guilty that you have never donated to your church. Because you have donated something to them that is more precious than money... your time and quite a lot of it by the looks of things :). So I wouldn't worry to much about that Pokémon :)
Given the fact that you are on welfare, maybe taking steps towards gaining a better career would be in order? Such as increasing your education level, or looking for a better job? That way you would have more money, and with more money on hand then you have more options. With more options comes more ways of finding and attracting the right class of guy that you want who will stay with you and be dedicated to being with you :)
I've been trying to find a job but I haven't any luck. I just want to be wanted I guess. I mean I'm at the point where I'll do practically anything if it means a guy will still want to talk to me after two weeks. I would even cut his toenails and literally lick his feet clean if it meant he'll stay. Yeah. I'm THAT desperate now....
Hmmm so you mean that your would be willing to take part in your partners foot fetish if they wanted you to? Well I don't see any reason to call that being desperate... :P Just smart... :P
Not foot fetish. I mean cleaning his feet with my tongue because his feet are dirty. I'd even eat nothing but crackers for ten years if it means he'll stay!
Hmmm... Pokémon, have you ever thought of not coming off so desperate? I mean you say how desperate you are to have a relationship, and maybe these guys are picking up on that? I mean usually people don't find desperateness sexy, because it can lead to an unhealthy relationship.
Focus on something else for awhile maybe? Like getting better at your martial art... I am actually curious about it myself. Tell me a little bit about it?
I guess I REALLY need to know if I'm desirable or not. Sometimes I even think if I became a prostitute, no one would even want me for an hour. THAT'S how unwanted I feel. That no guy would even pay to spend 60 mintues alone with me.
Well actually Pokémon... that is a want... not a need. Frankly I think that you would be off learning how to find yourself desirable. I don't even think that you 'desire' yourself to tell you the truth...
As people have told me for years... you can't get anyone else to want you, unless you want yourself.
But isn't wanting to be desired and know one is worth something a need to boost self-confidence? I am not trying to argue with you, Yamamoto, but I do not understand how what I want is a want since I kind of need the boost for my self-esteem.
Because Pokémon I used to think the same thing, and have recently come to discover that it just isn't true. There are plenty of other ways to get a boost for ones self esteem, and since you said you practice martial arts... well you kind of have a built in one right there. Though it might not work for you as much as it as worked for me, but I am starting to believe what people tell me about working out. It really does give me a sense of self confidence that comes from the inside, and not form other people.
If you keep seeking your own self worth from other people, then I am sorry to say that you will go through life with many disappointments. You have to create your own self worth Pokémon... Look... I want you to sit down and write out a list of life goals. If you want to show it to me you can, and if you don't... then that is ok, but you should have at least ten things on it. Treat it like a bucket list if you have to :)
Hmm, can't you two hook up?! I mean, is this being explored in pm's, one hopes?
I've been off the grid, swimming in the ocean and such, but here is my catch-up reply:
Advice is always generic, since the person asking for the advice typically knows exponentially more than the person giving it.
Uncertain reiterated Dan Savage's line which is that "All relationships end, until one doesn't."
I think I've said this before, but it does sound like you are mainly pitching your need for a relationship as something that mainly benefits YOU: not dying alone, etc. That is fine, but when you are in the courtship phase, what benefit are you giving them? I mean, not dying alone is presumably a long way off, so what are your selling points before they die?
I mean, I'd live to have a live-in boyfriend so I could cut my NYC rent in half, but that's not really a reason anyone should date me, since anyone would bring down their cost of living. Why do they want to spend their time with ME and save on rent?!
Another way to reframe this is to typically look at what interests you in a potential partner. What characteristics does he have, hobbies, etc. Very often what we look for in a partner is a deficiency we think we have in ourself. So, fix it. Become the man you want to date.
But seriously, I don't see anything that is about what you want in them, what you feel your best characteristics are. "I don't want to be lonely... Everyone else is getting married... Everyone leaves me for no reason... You're only keeping a clean apartment and looking presentable to get a partner." None of these desires says what you are doing to find a partner, what you want from them as far as having a life together, what your interests you are that you hope they might share, etc., etc.
The uber response here seems to be that you need to map out a life that makes you happier. How can you better your life? How can you get off of welfare? How can you build a life that makes you feel more accomplished. What do you wish your life could be and how can you start making those things happen? What do you want to be doing in 5 years and how are you getting there today?
The irony is that you need to have a life that doesn't require someone else before someone else is going to be interested in your life. It's sort of a Catch-22, I know. But right now you're saying "Hey, I'm alone and having a sad party with no friends and bad music, but if you come to the party, I won't be alone, but you'll still be at a sad party with bad music?!"
Which then begs the question... What's in it for them?
Be the person you want to date.
A relationship isn't going to complete you. You have to be complete before you'll find one.
I know this goes against everything we learned about Disney Princesses, but I'm afraid it's true.
List of things I want for my life:
1. Not to die alone
2. Learn to sew stuff
3. Become a certified martal arrs instructor and open my own school
4. Learn to crochet/knit
5. Build and decorate a lighted miniature display
6. Have a house
7. Have/adopt kids
8. Have a pet squirrel
9. Have a Yorkie
10. See the places I've alwats wanted to see
11. Get a business degree
12. Build and decorate a dollhouse complete with furniture, lights, floors, functioning door, and wallpaper
Alright good... now that you have this list. I would take the one at the top and put it at the bottom. :) It is not the one we are worried about to much at the moment.
Now if you want to learn to sew stuff, why don't you take a local sewing classing? On that same note... start looking around to get a job of some sort in order to save money to go to school. Maybe you should start looking into that and taking a few night classes to work on core credits by doing the classes online? Also... work extra hard at your martial arts in order to get better, by practicing every day.
I know that you can do it Pokémon, it is just now a matter of wanting to do.
Good, now we have a list... but the order's all messed up.
I'd say #11 gets you the most bang for your buck, as far as your ability to achieve other goals. So, what is preventing that from occurring? If you're on welfare that may actually make it easier to achieve, since you might qualify for more financial aid, scholarships, etc. You're 28, so not sure where the education stalled or whatever else has delayed this, but time to get it back on track. School can be social AND puts you in a better position for the future. Easily the number one item.
2, 3, 4 are the easiest to achieve AND can have a social component. If you make them social, they get to rise higher on the list. If you sit home watching YouTube videos on crocheting, while you then sit home along doing it, they go way lower. My friend started http://www.menwhoknit.com/community/ so you can see if there are any bitch and stitch or whatevers near you...
1 and 7 seem like the ones you need to work on the least, as far as their standalone achievability, in that you're more likely to find someone to date doing 2, 3 and 4 than sitting around trying to make them their own goals.
6 and 10 require $$, so that is why 11 comes first.
8 and 9 have no social component that advances you finding a relationship, and may provide companionship that satiates that drive somewhat, so they can wait.
5 and 12 seems like solo projects, so they go toward the bottom of the list for after you're dating and have the social life sorted. We don't need projects where you're home alone, until the others are sorted, unless these require classes to learn things where you will interact with other people, etc., then they can go higher.
So, organize everything around its social component and ease of completion, and it lines up pretty easily...
I'll admit that I didn't read all of those comments up there entirely. More skimmed a bit.
I'd guess that if you continue with that attitude, yes, you'll die alone. The reason you can't build relationships and connect with people is that you're so singlemindedly pursuing a relationship. It's not about meeting gay guys and asking them out and holding on desperately to every person that talks to you. It's not about working out and making yourself more physically attractive.
The key is to find a you that people might like, and that you like, and then to find people - not "gay guys," but people, some of whom will be gay guys and others of whom will just be friends - whom you can get along with. Shared interests are great. I mean shared interests in things like Pokemon, not shared interest in gay sex. People you can just... be in the same room with. Laugh with. Whatever. And you probably won't be able to find them until you make yourself into a more likable you - not changing who you are, only your attitude.
It takes work, not just sitting around complaining and wondering what's wrong with the world. But it works. It worked for me. I honestly believe that it's no coincidence that I found a relationship in real life very shortly after finally getting my online-dating profile to sound like someone I would be willing to date. And I didn't meet the person in a gay setting, but at Whovians club - a meeting of people with a shared interest.