I'm very tired of having my usual icon.

Super Duck's picture

It reminded me of high school, so I changed it.

A couple weeks ago, I made a post about how my sister almost ruined my mom's relationship, but I deleted it because it was really angry and also because my mom and her boyfriend made up. To condense the story, he's been in North Carolina for his job, and he and my mom want to live there permanently, so they have been looking at houses there together. My mom has been saying for months now that she was going to move there as soon as our house sold. But now, just to appease my sister, she's going to postpone it a year. (She won't just leave my sister with my dad because she thinks he has too much on his plate with his fiancee's two really obnoxious kids.) I think that's so unfair to my mom and her boyfriend. Why is my mother letting a fifth grader call the shots? This child should not get to ruin other people's lives just because she feels like being a brat. And she says all this smug, passive-aggressive stuff about it to my mom, about how it's "better" to be stuck in this rotting shithole because my mom's boyfriend isn't here, and I just want to backhand her into the Atlantic Ocean.

I had a good time in North Carolina. Now, I have to admit I really wasn't expecting to like it so much, but I was very surprised. However, I mainly visited Greensboro, Charlotte, and Winston-Salem, not any scary backwoods parts. I didn't find it to be much like Mississippi or Arkansas or any places like that. The people were different. In North Carolina, people just kind of minded their own business. In Greensboro, I even saw some gay couples openly holding hands without anyone saying anything. (Although actually, a few days ago when I was getting my hair trimmed, a dude with a pride bracelet walked in with his boyfriend, and no one even bothered them. But that's only the second time in 18 years I've ever seen that happen here. And I actually knew the guy's boyfriend when we were little kids. He was neighbors with one of my old friends when we were like 9.)

When you drive into North Carolina from Tennessee, you get to see all the mountains, which are very nice. And the girls are so hot. Like... Sooo many beautiful blonde Carolina girls. Seriously unbelievable, holy shit. And there are pretty flowers all along the interstate. And there was Mr. Pibb in every grocery store. Every single one. There was so much Mr. Pibb. I don't think you realize how big of a deal this is to me. Speaking of grocery stores, though, one time I went to a grocery store there, and I accidentally made eye contact with this cute girl and she just gave me this adorable smile, but I don't think it meant anything because I am, well, me. But it's still something that's never happened before. Anyway, I got to try bubble tea, which is my new favorite thing in existence. There isn't any here, but there is in Boston, so I'm all set. Oh, and my favorite actress was in North Carolina at the same time as me! Sadly, our paths did not cross. But I did get to see the town where she went to college and even wandered around the surrounding area some. And then, another time, I went to a zoo that had lemurs, which are kind of my favorite wild animal. And there were no fucking mosquitoes, which are the absolute bane of my existence. I didn't get any mosquito bites at all in Boston or North Carolina, and now I have about 30.

Overall, the environment was just really relaxed. People were polite but not overly nosy like they are here in Mississippi, it rained a lot so it never got unbearably hot, and my mom's boyfriend's apartment was perfectly positioned to where you could stand out on the balcony with a drink and just watch the people at the little shops across the street. (Especially the cute girls!) One night they even had a concert in the parking lot over there, and we could hear it and watch it for free.

Anyway, there has been a horrible phenomenon regarding the neighborhood cats around here. They keep disappearing! When I was gone, my grandparents were responsible for taking care of my cat, but one day he got out. That happens sometimes, so it isn't really a big deal because he always comes home. But he didn't come home. I think something happened to him... And a homeless kitty had some babies on my porch while I was gone, and then last week she disappeared as well. I haven't seen her at all. The babies are fine. Fortunately, they're getting old enough to start eating some soft food. But it makes me miss my little dude because when we got him, he was tiny just like them. I can't believe he's gone. I've only seen one other cat around in the past week, which is weird because usually there are a lot of cats. I wonder if something/someone is getting all of them.

Ever since I got back from being in Boston and North Carolina, I've just been really, really down. I felt awesome the whole time I was gone, even though I slept on the floor in North Carolina and got huge blisters on my feet in Boston. But I've just felt like complete shit ever since I got back here. The worst it's been since like 11th grade. Everything just seems so pointless. Why even leave the house when there's nowhere to go and literally everything smells like fertilizer? I don't have to be here much longer, but these last few weeks are unbearable.

I'm going to share something with you guys about my environment. I didn't take these photos, but here is a blog with pictures of the area where I grew up. I know the blog is called "World of Decay" so it focuses on the particularly nasty parts, but I can verify that's what pretty much everything looks like, with a few scattered exceptions in wealthier parts of some of the bigger towns. My actual hometown is on the first page, but I won't say which one it is. I've been telling you it's a real shithole for the past 4 years, and now you can see for yourselves! It's pretty easy to feel lonely and miserable when that's your scenery every day for your whole life.

So, yeah, while we're talking about bad stuff, I just haven't been too thrilled with people lately. Or, more specifically, how they react to me being a lesbian. When we were driving home from North Carolina, we stopped for a night in Nashville, where most of my family lives. We went to my cousin's store and shopped for a while, and at one point, she started saying how "cute New England boys" would love me. And I was like, no thanks. But she kept saying it. And then my mom just kind of absentmindedly said, "Nah... girls." When she said that, my cousin stepped away and just said no. I found that kind of confusing and hurtful. What does she mean, no? But then she tried to backtrack and said that it was okay because I "had time to figure it out." I'm 18 years old and I've liked girls and ONLY girls my whole life! I'm gay! There is nothing to figure out!

I guess I just find it a bit annoying that she would say that to me and then always talk about boys with my little sister. People take an elementary schooler more seriously than me.

A few days ago, I met up with a friend one last time before she moved off to college. (Her school starts way earlier than mine.) She's that one from high school who refused to believe I'm gay, no matter what. I can't even remember what prompted this conversation, but at one point, she started talking about how lesbians are "mannish" and I said, "Oh, so you have to be 'mannish' to be a lesbian?" and she just shot me this look like I was the dumbest person on the planet, like of course, you ignorant bitch, and then she said, "Stereotypes wouldn't exist if they weren't true." (And I mean, obviously there are people out there who do fulfill any stereotype, but I think that statement's kind of funny coming from someone who always gets ultra indignant when she hears stereotypes about the South.) So that's why she always refused to take me seriously, I guess.

It seems pretty silly, I guess, but it's bothering me more than usual lately because I'm about to move away and make all new friends. And what if, when it comes time for me to tell them I'm gay, they say dumb, hurtful things like my cousin did or refuse to believe me like my friend? I mean, yeah, Boston is way different than here, but that doesn't mean there won't be any dumb assholes around at all.

Anyway, that's been my life recently. Well, besides bad television and giving angry kittens flea baths. (Not a fun experience. 0/10, do not recommend.) Oh, I'm going to go to my friend's house this weekend. A different friend than that one I mentioned earlier. I'm trying to convince him to apply to BU since he's a senior in high school this year. But other than that, the next couple of weeks are going to be pretty bland.

I feel like this post is really dumb, and I'm sorry.

Comments

radiosilence95's picture

Ah. Bratty little sisters. I

Ah. Bratty little sisters. I can relate. For some reason, the littlest siblings are always the ones who act really fucking spoiled. Like my sister always gets what she wants. It's like moms try really hard with the first one and then by the time they pop out the second one they're so tired from raising the first child they just give up. I dunno.

I've heard that North Carolina is stunningly beautiful. I wouldn't mind visiting there someday. But I've always been under the impression that it was an ultra conservative state, like Mississippi and Alabama but not quite as redneck-ish. I guess that's wrong?

Super Duck's picture

I really do think my mom

I really do think my mom kind of gave up. My sister gets away with shit I would have never even dreamed of at her age, and my mom doesn't even see the point in stopping her. When we were in North Carolina, it was the only time I've ever actually seen my mom say no to her or even attempt to punish her.

Yes, North Carolina has a gorgeous landscape. It's not a really liberal state, but it's not on Mississippi's level of conservatism from what I can tell. Or at least the cities aren't. I didn't spend a lot of time in any rural areas, though. I actually didn't see that many redneck types either. I mean, there were some, but they weren't the majority at all. Maybe they're all hiding in the woods or something.

Bosemaster42's picture

Wow,

What a shame. It's sad to see old farming communities in such an advanced state of decay. I'm sure once the farming was gone, most of the people went with it. I can imagine the weather is a huge deterrent to people wanting to live there, as well as, the potential for flooding. I think I can understand why you feel the way you do. Soon enough, you won't have to think about it anymore.
Your sister is being a little selfish with regard to your Mom's situation. I think I would be excited to get the hell out of there, to be honest. She's still pretty young and likely not thrilled about your Mom's boyfriend. However, once she get's to know him, she might change her opinion, but it's hard to tell.
I'd hate to think those poor cats are being killed by some sick fuck, but it could be a wild animal targeting them or perhaps even a crazy old cat lady is taking them in and hopefully taking good care of them. Watch the little ones closely.

Super Duck's picture

According to my

According to my grandparents, this area used to be very alive until about the 70s. But it's just been on a steady decline since then. Even in my lifetime, I've been able to see a huge negative change. For example, in the biggest town in the area, Greenville, almost all of the places and restaurants I liked as a little kid are gone. And in 2000, the population there was in the 40 thousands and now it's like 33 thousand. And yeah, the weather here is awful. Summers are brutal. The air always feels very sticky, and it's not unusual for it to be above 100 degrees. (It was 104 the day I saw the guy with the pride bracelet!) Oh, and summer can last from April to October. It does flood a lot too. A couple years ago there was a particularly bad one.

My sister seems to think that my dad will hate her if she leaves here (?) but she doesn't seem to understand that no one wants to live here, not even him, and he's in the running for a transfer to Columbia, SC. She also seems to think that he wants her to treat my mom and her boyfriend horribly, even though he's told her many times that he doesn't want that at all. For some reason, she doesn't treat my dad or his girlfriend nearly as bad as she treats my mom and her boyfriend.

I really hope it was a crazy cat lady.

Bosemaster42's picture

Apparently,

She doesn't realize moving away would have a lot more upside than staying in Miss. She's probably jealous of your Mom's boyfriend because she wants to be the center of your mother's attention. Girls tend to be closer to their dad and accepting a 'New' father figure is usually very difficult for a young mind. She wasn't impressed with N. Carolina huh? It's very beautiful and being near the ocean is especially a plus.

Super Duck's picture

She doesn't like to share my

She doesn't like to share my mom's attention at all. She actually told her once that she hopes she never gets remarried. I don't really understand what her opinion of North Carolina is supposed to mean. She says, "I like the places in North Carolina, but I hate it."

jeff's picture

At some point...

The earlier people say dumb anti-gay things, the sooner you know you don't need them in your life. Now, sure, they could have just been surprised, and you might be the person who gets them to change their mindset, etc., but if not? Eh...

Why not surround yourself with the people who love and support you for who you are unconditionally?

---
"You don't know you're beautiful." - Harry Styles

Super Duck's picture

I know you're right about

I know you're right about all of that stuff. But that's easier said than done, I guess. In theory, I love the idea of telling anyone who doesn't like (or rather, believe...) the fact that I'm gay that they can just fuck right off until they get it together, but I know I could never actually do that.

I probably won't talk to my friend from high school that much anymore since I started to get really annoyed with her last year anyway. She's pretty much a lost cause, to be honest. I'm not really sure where she got the idea that me being gay is an elaborate joke, but she's convinced of it. I'm sure 10 years from now I could invite her to my wedding and she'd come up to me afterwards and say something dumb like, "Okay, the thing with the girl was funny, now where's your husband?"

I haven't talked to my cousin since that day, but my mom says she isn't upset with me or anything.