Uncertain's picture

Cigarettes smoked: four
1 out of bed
2 because I was procrastinating
3 because I was with a friend
4 because it was a late night at work and I needed something to keep me going

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I am doing a terrible job at my 'work'. I am incredibly behind. I don't even know where to begin. I feel like a failure. I checked a fuck-tonne of emails tonight and I realised how many students I've let down and how many invitations I've missed and how much more I could be doing. I want to fix that - but I went from feeling like I had nothing to do to where-do-I-start. I guess my job gives me some sense of purpose, but at the same time I am so jaded by it. What will be next year? Why does any of this matter? Gosh I am such a fuck up.

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Does anyone know anyone that does finance or information technology? They are some of the highest paying jobs in New Zealand at the moment. IT skills is also in long-term shortage. I want to make money. I miss doing something quantitative. I miss being able to have a "right" answer. Do these disciplines even complement each other? I am considering doing a Commerce and Science conjoint degree after my Law and Arts degree. It would be good for entrepreneurship. But that would just be overkill. What the fuck am I doing.

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Helped my friend with her com-law essay the other night. It was not even that hard. For some reason she thought I was really good at law. In all honesty I'm not. At least my grades don't reflect it. For some reason people think I will do well in life, but I just don't see how. Employers don't seem to see it. My grades are indicative of it. All I have are random people's opinions.

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I want to be a better person. I am horrible to people. I want to be a more productive person. I want to know everything there is know in the world. I need be more disciplined. I need to save more. This is such a pointless list. I'm just writing things down to placate myself.

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I am so lost.



elph's picture

The list is not pointless!!!

But... you are depressing me!

I've never met you... almost certainly never will! But, were I standing in front of you right now, I'd do my level best to disabuse you of those self-denigrating maudlin fantasies! You're still a youth and are eminently capable of any goal you set for yourself!

You're NOT the person you've described!

jeff's picture


You need to define what constitutes a "high-paying job" before you proceed, really. There are definitely jobs with large salaries, but there are also emotionally-rewarding jobs where you're expenses are paid, but there are exponentially more emotional and social rewards than just a huge paycheck.

A law degree can have you defending polluting factories through some archaic legal loophole, or working for social justice. A finance degree can get you into some hellish Goldman Sachs life, or working to build micropayments in third world countries where $500 can help a woman start her own business and help her on a path to a better life and more education for her kids.

No job is one thing.

Beyond that, what do you want to do? Remove all need for an income and status and everything else, and what would you be doing? Do you know? There's a chance you know but keep building all of these known fallbacks on top of it, or that you don't but keep looking for external success as a metric for internal happiness, which isn't always the case.

I know people who have no qualms about sucking from the corporate teat and not really caring much beyond stability and a decent paycheck. Other people put a higher dividend on the work they do and abandon the higher salaries they could otherwise bring in doing soulless work.

The biggest thing you can do for your future is ensuring the steps you take now aren't opening you up for regret later.

Potential is only as important as it is necessary for you to build a foundation for your future happiness. If you want purpose, define it and take steps to achieve it. If things you are doing now are resume padding that leave you empty, why are you preparing yourself for future jobs that will leave you empty?

I can't tell if you lack a trajectory, or your trajectory of choice doesn't line up with other people's expectations of what you should do with your life... but those are the key words there: your life.

"You don't know you're beautiful." - Harry Styles