Uncertain's picture

The boyfriend called me tonight saying he missed me. The words felt so foreign to me, I was taken a little by surprise. He wanted to chat to me this morning but I had so much to do I forgot to call him back. His words felt genuine - I actually felt a rush of happiness when he said it. He said it just before I was bout to go, and I said it back to me. He went skiing for the week. It's only been two days since we saw each other.

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Today had been very productive until about 4.00pm when I suddenly crashed. I went into my OCD mode, and started obsessing over my future again. I opened the university's calendar and drew up multiple permutations of how I can complement my poor academic choices. It got nowhere. It suddenly became 11.00pm, I had not eaten - I could have fainted. I was still in the office until then. I have more unchecked emails, two agenda papers to read by 10.00am tomorrow, as well as two draft proposals to write by the end of tomorrow. Blah blah blah, this probably doesn't mean anything to you. And here I am, ranting.

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I had a pretty interesting meeting today - which I will be mildly vague about. I went into a union negotiations meeting today. There was a lot of back and forth and at times it was quite awkward - but I realised the lawyers in the meeting speaking were likely just playing an act. They are good at their jobs, and they probably do care about getting the best possible (and realistic) result for their client - but it was only awkward because the other parties in the room who were silent were the ones who were affected and taking a backseat as untenable offers were thrown back and forth. There was a settlement in the end. It was a strange experience.

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As the president of a newly formed faculty association on campus, I have so far been very impressed with the team I have. We are organising a party in a few weeks for queer students, which is pretty cool. It will also be an important source of revenue generation.

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I feel like I need coffee all the time to stay awake. I have really bad sleeping schedules. It makes me moody. It gets me into a manic mood and some time I can just get so frustrated at things I feel like like complete shit. Occasionally I would just start crying for a brief moment (when no one is around). Then literally two minutes later I would be called to do something and it feels like everything is 'fine' again.

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Time to do more work.



elph's picture

Isn't it possible...

that your current obligations are truly excessive?

Is there no way to lighten your load... such that you can have some time for yourself to relax and reflect?