Hi. Firstly, I would like to apologise, I realise that on here I'm one of those super annoying folk who only talk about their own problems, and never bother to listen to others. But hey, I'm not forcing you to read or comment... In fact, it's probably best if you stop now. I rarely make sense. But if you do then thanks very very much in advance. It's just the writing about things that helps me really. And I suck at giving advice.
So. A while back I was waffling on about this girl I was kinda getting with, update y'all, she's now my girlfriend of six months. Yay me. I read my old journals and it seems I called her Jane, so I'll carry on with that. The whole thing is still completely secret from everyone except her cousin, and my ex-best friend (nothing dramatic, we've just drifted apart...) Anyway. That's all getting a bit tricky now, and all the different lies that we each tell to different people get confused in my head and I worry that I'll mix them up or let something slip. it's been okay so far because I can just tell my parents I'm going out somewhere then actually go see her. Next week my brother starts work though, and he's living at home, so he'll be using the car that we share everyday. This means that either my dad will take me where I want to go or he'll take my brother to work if I want to go out. (He's a good daddy). Trouble is, I'll never know which, so I can't lie about where I'm going in case he decides to take me.
More back story is needed, Jane and I used to go to the same school, but I'm going to uni this year, and she isn't. So I'm still at home for the next month, and she's back at school. So I've been going to school to see her when she has frees, and picking her up driving somewhere close by and sitting somewhere on our lonesome. So, even if I did tell dad that I was going to see her all the time, if he took me we wouldn't have the car... So couldn't go anywhere... Which would make life tricky. So long story short, I basically have to choose between only seeing her at weekends, when she might be busy anyway... or telling the parents. Neither option is that attractive.
More back story in case anyone is actually reading... About a year and a half ago I came out to them, they didn't really believe me, said I was too young to know, said it would be sad. So I took it back about a month later. It's a little more complicated than that now because I'm not sure I am gay... I don't like boxes. All I know is that I'm in love. And I want to spend the rest of my life with this girl.
Pros and cons.
Pros - All this lying is a tad stressful.
- I can talk to them if I get upset, like I was about a month ago when we had a fight and I thought we were going to break up. (it turns out that was probably quite irrational of me) Then it terrified me that I might have to deal with that alone...
- I can go see her without worrying about them being suspicious.
- They might, MIGHT, give me some extra cash when I go away so I can afford to visit her.
- I hate this secrecy. I try and make it a joke, and we try and make it fun sometimes, but we both know it sucks, and we both hate it. It would be so nice to be open about it... If people were cool.
- I'm proud of her. I'm happy with her. I want to share that.
Cons - they might take it extremely badly (stop me seeing her, tell her parents, shit like that) although I think that is pretty unlikely. Still a possibility though.
- They might be sad. We'll get over that one though.
- He might not be cool with me taking her out of school so might create difficulties there. Although doesn't really make a difference because there would be difficulties if I continued to lie...
- they probs won't let us sleep in the same bed when she comes over...
- I already came out to them... Do I have to do it again? Really? It's just so stressful and awkward...
I like an easy life, I just want to do whatever creates least problems really... Trouble is, I don't know which option will do that, until I try. Ultimately, I think I will have to tell them, and probably this weekend. If not sooner. It's just so much effort...
Enough from me now. Ciao.