Hi everyone! My name's Noah, and this is my first journal here. I'm equally nervous and stoked to be here doing this, and I hope that what I write doesn't blow!
This journal's title is a reflection of how I feel. I'm interfaith (Catholic and Jewish) and 100% no doubt about it GAY. It feels funny to see that on my computer monitor right now. I really do juggle three very different worlds and all I want is to be a normal kid. As my Dad always says, "It's not going to happen!"
My life has always been about compromise. My parents met in college during Spring Break when the plans they had to go to Florida fell through, and they had their dorm rooms to themselves. Mom was a Freshman, Dad about to graduate with a business degree, and you don't need to be a Einstein to figure out what they did for fun. I'm the profit from that business deal, as Dad likes to say.
Mom didn't know she was pregnant, and she had no symptoms. Her and Dad stayed in touch, and she even went to his wedding a few weeks before I was born. I've been told that one night Mom became violently sick and was rushed to the hospital and minutes later I popped out. My Mom doesn't like surprises, and she never smiles when she talks about having me. How I got here isn't my problem, right?
My Dad shit a brick when he found out, and his family wasn't all so accepting either. Especially his new wife. Even more with Mom's Catholic family.
This is what I know: Since getting married was not going to happen Dad the businessman came up with a contract on how to take care of me, how much child support to pay, how different parts of my life and faith would be handled. I've seen it, and it's even notarized. Honestly, Mom got screwed in that deal financially.
I had to have a Bris, which I'm not happy about, and Dad chose my first name, Mom my middle. My parents ironically have the same very common last name, so that part was easy. I was baptized, and Dad's family helped with the Jewish part of things, but Mom didn't allow certain things to happen, and that's always been a source of tension. I lived with Mom and was only Jewish when I visited my Dad's family, and one thing my Mom did was let me eat bacon!!!! I really think she did that on purpose! To me that's funny in a warped way haha!
The real drama happened when I was about to turn twelve, and Dad's side of the family had me visit them in Florida to celebrate my birthday, and he brought up that I would have to start my classes to have my Bar Mitzvah soon…here I was having a good time celebrating my birthday and then the room was silent, everyone was staring at me. It was so quiet I could hear the clock on the wall ticking.
In the "contract" there was a clause that I would be free to decide which religion I would go with at any time.
I couldn't look him in the eye to say I wasn't going to have one, that I wanted to become Catholic. I wouldn't want to repeat the nasty things that were said to me and Mom, but that was the last time I saw my Jewish side of the family. To them I'm dead, except for my cousin Josh, who secretly e-mails me all the time, and my Uncle David, my Godfather and one of my closest friends.
Uncle David took Mom and I to a hotel and then drove us to the airport the next day for our flight home, and the last thing he said to me was this:
"As long as you have God in your heart you'll be fine."
I love him, and I always tell him that. He's more of a father to me than my own father is. To my Dad I'm just another check he writes every month. He doesn't even have a picture of me anywhere in his apartment in New York City, and trying to contact him is a waste of time. I may as well be dead.
This has been hard for me to write, but I think it's a good start.