Thoughts on the Ledge of a Rooftop

Perhaps We Should Leave's picture

Honestly, sometimes I feel more and more like jumping off of a building when I think about growing older. I'm terrified of losing the things I care for most. I want to live forever, but at the same time I'm horrified at the very idea of the people I love dying before me. I don't want to lose anything. Sometimes I'd really rather die.

I feel like I've never done anything worthwhile. Nothing I've done has ever been enough; no matter what, I'm not living up to this mythical 'potential' everyone tells me I have. I really don't feel like I'll ever be good enough for anyone. Worst of all, I don't think I'll ever be good enough for Other Lover, the one person whom I wish to please more than anyone else in the world. The one person who I would do anything for, anything at all. But I've never been good enough. And more and more I ask myself why I try. Why I keep putting myself through this pain. Honestly, it's not like there's any good reason for me NOT to die, other than my serious distaste for death. I don't like the idea of dying. But to tell the truth, I don't really concern myself with the results of my death- I'd be dead. It'd make absolutely no difference. And I don't really care about the idea that suicide is 'cowardly' or some other sort of negative adjective. That's about as meaningless to me as saying that eating meat is 'cruel'.

Honestly, I think it's just the self-preservation instinct that has kept me from jumping. That, or I don't want to die enough, yet. I have pretty damnably easy access to a tall building with no guard rails, so it's not like there's a lack of access. Naturally, jumping is the only palatable option. A gun is both difficult to obtain and doesn't really suit my aesthetics. Drowning is horrifying. Slit wrists... Well, let's just say I have a serious aversion to razors and cuts. Hanging is easy to bungle and make a long, painful process. It seems that jumping is the only logical way.

Of course, there's also the fact that I don't want to leave O.L. behind. I don't want to lose the chance to spend my life with him. And so... Well, I dunno. Maybe it's wrong that he's the only person I'm truly concerned about in this respect- we're not even dating yet- but... I love him. More than anything else. So maybe he's why I don't do it.

Ugh... In any case, I don't plan on dying anytime soon. I've not left my mark, yet. At the very least, I need to be published first. So anyone reading this who knows me needn't call the goddamn police or ambulance. Besides, that involve the psych ward, and I'm an adult now. There's no way in hell I'm going there. *shudder*

Comments

jeff's picture

Well...

Access to tall buildings or the means to off yourself is rarely the sticking point.

There is a lot of external references here, doing something "worthwhile," and your "potential," and how you won't be good enough for O.L.

I'm not seeing your desires anywhere here.

Focus on you, your needs, what you want from life, your happiness, your desires, your passion, your loves... the best way to give someone else love is to be loving to yourself first. You don't give someone your love, you share your love with them. You've got to live yourself and life before you have much to give to someone else...

And, if you're truly lucky, you and O.L. will grow old and in love together, and then both simultaneously die in a head-on collision in your 90s. If only... ;-)

---
"You don't know you're beautiful." - Harry Styles

Perhaps We Should Leave's picture

Honestly

What I want more than anything is to understand. I want to learn things and understand why they are and how they work. It's why I have such an incredible interest in physics; it helps me understand the world. My reference to doing something worthwhile was actually more referring to doing something new to the world. Discover something. Teach something

I suppose I didn't mention what I wanted, though.

But thank you. You've got a good point- I think I focus too much on other people.

* * *

In conclusion,

I am the Walrus, koo-koo kachoo. Q.E.D., bitches.

elph's picture

That interest in physics...

Are you currently pursuing a major or minor in physics at your university?

I can totally understand your fascination with the subject: there remains so much about the structure of our universe that is just unknown... and I can easily appreciate how excited you would be were you at some future date in a position to add to our knowledge in this area!

You should be aware, however, that mathematics is at the core of all advances in physics/cosmology. So... if you're truly dedicated, don't slight mathematics!

****
Edit: Here is just one of the many tantalizing new "discoveries" being reported:

Scientists create never-before-seen form of matter

http://phys.org/news/2013-09-scientists-never-before-seen.html

Perhaps We Should Leave's picture

Actually

I am not currently enrolled in a university. I'm seeking out a job beforehand, although I shall be enrolling soon. I am, though, going to be pursuing a major in physics, along with anthropology.

I'm very fond of mathematics, in fact- although I can't really do very well with basic arithmetic, I'm quite skilled with the advanced sort of math. Theoretical stuff is my forte.

* * *

In conclusion,

I am the Walrus, koo-koo kachoo. Q.E.D., bitches.

elph's picture

Physics & Anthropology...

sounds like a quite fascinating combination! But, don't delay your studies too long... it is much too easy to become sidetracked. :(