radiosilence95's picture

Well, I have a girlfriend now. Officially, as in that's what we're calling each other now. It seems illogical to dive into a relationship with someone you haven't yet met in person, but hey, we talk on the phone, we text, we see pictures of each other online. I don't have Skype though. She calls me babe, which feels weird but not bad but not excellent either. Oftentimes I don't really know how I feel about everything in general. But more on that later.

She's coming up to visit next weekend, and I'm gonna hopefully take her to the gorgeous lakeside park that's just outside of town if it's not super cold. We're gonna see this student play about a gay couple in which one guy is religious and the other isn't, so that should be interesting. My suite mates and I are gonna gather our mattresses in the suite and have a sleepover and watch movies and hopefully have a good time. Privacy is an issue that I'm mulling over. I mean, I really highly doubt that sexy times will happen, unless I just get caught up in the moment and go at it, but I don't think I'm ready for that. Still, I'm thinking a certain level of intimacy will be reached. Which kinda scares me also, because I've never even kissed a girl before, much less made out with one or gotten super touchy-feely with one. So what if I'm really fucking awkward and bad at everything?

Um but overall I'm pretty happy with things. It's still a weird feeling, dating someone. It may come from the fact that she doesn't feel wholly real because of distance, but I guess I expected me to have more emotions about my first girlfriend? I mean, this girl is really nice, she's way waaayyyy into me (perhaps to the point where the feelings are unevenly distributed between us), and we enjoy talking, and I really like her. But...I dunno. Something just feels weird. I know that sounds annoyingly vague, but I don't know how to express it. It's not that I'm unhappy with her. In fact I love it when we're talking late at night and her voice becomes velvety soft and she tells me how badly she wants to hold me and kiss me and all that mushy stuff. I dunno. I just...dunno.

There was one incident that kinda freaked me out a bit. I went home for the weekend (more on that later as well) and Saturday I got home from a trip to Six Flags at one in the morning and, despite not being able to sleep in the next day because the family was coming over, I called Mickala (my girlfriend's name, in case I hadn't established that). I was half-asleep towards the end of our conversation at like three thirty in the morning and the next day I didn't really remember what was said because I was practically delirious with sleep.

So, worrying that I had said something embarrassing or dumb, I texted her asking her if I had said anything weird or stupid. Her response was "No, but I did," and I pressured her into telling me and she finally admitted to telling me she loved me that night. Which I honestly do not remember. So yeah. That was a little scary. I mean we've been talking for over a month and we've been officially dating for two weeks, so yeah. A bit too soon. And I told her that it was too soon, and she agreed and said that she was just emotional that night, so we've decided to shrug it off. Regardless, the fact that she even said that to me is a huge red flag. It suggests that she definitely has more feelings towards me than I do towards her. Which is a bit foreboding.

But my friends keep telling me not to worry about the future, to just take it day by day, and I do see where they're coming from. But if someone you've only been dating for two weeks tells you they love you, yeah, it's gonna startle you a bit.

I don't even know right now. I do enjoy certain aspects of this whole thing, but I'm realizing how un-affectionate I am. I call her beautiful and talk about cuddling more out of obligation than anything. Maybe it'll all come as time progresses? I don't know.

Anyway. But yeah I took the train home this weekend, expecting to have a wonderful time, and I did not. My best friend was supposed to come with me to Six Flags Saturday but bailed on me at the last minute. It was during Fright Fest, too. So I was dragged along regardless and spent the entire day riding roller coasters with my mom. But we didn't get to do any of the haunted houses or get chased around by guys with chainsaws because she doesn't like that stuff. I had fun still though, just not as much fun as I could have had.

So then, whilst waiting for my sister and her boyfriend (yeah she has a boyfriend now, and he's nice, so I approve) to finish doing their stuff, my mom and I sat in the car with the heat cranked up and we had a talk. Turns out my sister told my mom aaaall about Mickala. I explained to my mom that it's nothing super serious. Her only comments were that it's weird that we're dating and have never met in real life (which is hypocritical considering she met her current boyfriend of six months online) and that she doesn't want it to interfere with my schoolwork. Other than that she had nothing to offer. No questions about what Mickala's like. No remote signs of joy. "Oh, I'm glad you've met someone!" "Tell me what she's like!" Yeah none of that. I don't know why I should expect that from my mom though.

Sunday sucked too. My family came over for my sister's birthday, y'know, the homophobic racist ones, and it was boring and they had their boring table discussions about nothing that really matters and all I wanted to do was sleep in and relax and chill. And when I gave my sister her gift, which was a really adorable goofy unicorn hat for winter that I was convinced she would love, she said she was only gonna wear it around the house and nowhere else. So I basically spent thirty dollars, which could've filled up my car, for nothing. I was annoyed. Annoyed by her, annoyed by my mom, annoyed by my family. Annoyed by my dad too, because he promised to help pay for my tuition but has not taken any steps to do so, and because he has refused to support my choice of college and majors. He's convinced I'm not going to the right school or choosing the right career path. So yeah. Really the only positive to coming home was cuddling my cats again.

I mean, obviously it was nice to see my mom and sister again, but going back made me understand that I definitely, without a shadow of a doubt, belong here at this college. Staying home any longer would've made me totally lose it. Sad as it is, I do not miss home. Sad as it is, I don't want to spend a month there for winter break.


jeff's picture

I do wish...

there was still a step before boyfriend/girlfriend, but that seems to be a thing of the past. Like, there used to be something called "dating" ahead of full-on lockdown mode, but it's been gone for a while now. Which is why we have had people on here with 7 ex's and are still virgins, heh.

I had several "boyfriend"s that I never met, and it's not a term I honor in retrospect, but at least you do have some real facetime plotted on the horizon, so you're ahead of the game.

There's little to worry about if sexytime happens, since you're bringing YOU to the party. Unless you've positioned yourself as some mad pussyslayer, then you know, just be awkward and in the moment and, most importantly, communicate. You never have to wonder how you're doing if you ask them how they like to be kissed, or what they want you to do, or if they liked something.

The biggest pitfall of online relationships is the fictional element, since there is a tendency to sort of fill in the gaps you don't know about them, and then you're sort of surprised when the real life version isn't like the idealized thing you made up. So, stay cautious there. If you don't know something, ask her or just remind yourself you don't know that. It sounds basic, but it's pretty common...

There seem like there are a few red flags, but you're seeing her soon, so you can sort that out. When it starts looking like the fourth week of Lilith Fair, you'll know it's too much, and can deal with it then.

I wouldn't question how unaffectionate you are with your phone, or text, or whatever else. You've never been in a room with her. I'd call a lack of affection normal in that case?

So, have fun with things for now, and see what happens when you meet in person. Unlike every romantic comedy ever made though, if you're not into her from the start (and I consider the start when you actually meet in person), the notion that you'll warm up to her and maybe this will change, etc., is pretty much a sign that you don't want, but should pay attention to...

"You don't know you're beautiful." - Harry Styles

radiosilence95's picture

A step in between friendship

A step in between friendship and total commitment does exist, but usually it's friends with benefits or some complicated mess of emotions. But yeah "dating" seems to have a serious, committal, girlfriend connotation to it now.

I feel like any lingering mysteries and wondering will be cleared up when we see each other in person. Maybe we'll see each other and we won't click, or maybe we'll have fantastic chemistry. I'm trying not to speculate about anything, whatever happens is gonna happen and I'll deal with whatever.

Also, she does a lot more gap-filling than I do, I think. I worry oftentimes that she's setting high expectations for me that I can't live up to. My expectations and my gap-filling has been realistic, I feel. Sure, I've dwelt on the hypothetical of the future a bit too much, but I'm pulling back on that.

If things don't work out, I'm like 99% sure I'll be the one to break things off, so if I have to do that, then I will. I'm not going to sacrifice my comfort and happiness just to keep giving someone else the illusion of theirs. And if things do work out, great. I'll do my best to be a good girlfriend, and listen to her, and make her laugh. But I've never understood the idea that dating someone means keeping them happy. I mean yeah I want to make her happy, but I never want to end up being her biggest source of joy. I want to compliment her, not complete her.

jeff's picture


Sounds like you have a healthy approach to it, at least.

Also, Friends with Benefits is not the step in between friends and dating. Usually that is for people you aren't planning to date. Not to say that some people haven't agreed to such a situation hoping romance would bloom, but FWB is pretty specific about how you need to maintain it. Err, or so I've heard... ;-)

"You don't know you're beautiful." - Harry Styles