Crisis

Perhaps We Should Leave's picture

I've been struggling with depression for years. Anyone who knows me knows that much. I've also been struggling with a past that haunts my every thought and consistently eats away at my mind. And worst, of late I've been struggling with mental health issues that have become so extreme that it's excruciatingly painful to be conscious.

Sometimes it's a labour to get out of bed every morning. Sometimes it's a labour to breathe. Anymore, it's always a labour to stay alive.

It's gotten to the point that I can't see a reason to stay alive anymore; in a way far worse than I've ever felt before. Worse because this time I really don't have a reason to stay. Any hope I have of being with the man I love most is crushed; any hope I have of a day without the constant screaming and crying that plague my every waking hour is lost; any hope I have that perhaps there's something to redeem the world I live in it gone with the wind.

I don't see a future anymore. And I'm not sure I even want one. I don't want anything, anymore, except perhaps for the two things I know I'll never have again.

Every day I think about how easy it would be to end all of this pain. It's an attractive thought, now, and I know that I can do it. And sometimes it's all I want to do.

Nobody wants me around anymore. I don't want to be around anymore. There's nothing left to hold me back; nothing left to live for. I guess that's the trouble with realizing that there's no purpose but the ones we give ourselves- when everything you build comes crashing to the ground, you realize just how silly it all was.

Love is inevitably to be lost, and having had it means nothing once it's gone.

Peace and quiet... well, I don't know that most people ever appreciate just how much it means to be able to be alone. Once that's gone... Nothing can bring it back.

I'll have to die one day, and on that day, everything I'll have ever done will be moot. I'll be gone, and all the happiness, all the pain, all the love will have been pointless.

So why should I subject myself to it?

How sad that all the things that once convinced me that life was precious are now the things that convince me that it's just not worth it anymore.

I don't know why I'm putting this here. It's not like any of you actually know me; it's not like any of you actually care. The ones who do know me might not believe me; I've lied about this sort of thing before. In the end, even this note is purposeless. Just the after-image of a will-o'-the-wisp.

Comments

elph's picture

I sympathize with this quite depressing self-assessment...

Truly!

You do not mention whether you've shared these concerns with a trusted doctor/psychologist. If you haven't done so... please!

jeff's picture

Well...

Can you ever see the future if you remain focused on the past?

There is a egocentrism to think that upon your death, your life is rendered pointless. I mean, I'm no believer in heaven or anything, but this discounts the people you will leave behind who love you, and what your life meant to them.

I don't think we have to know your IRL to care, either.

---
"You don't know you're beautiful." - Harry Styles

Perhaps We Should Leave's picture

I suppose...

That the egocentrism stems from my innate solipsism. I've never been able to truly understand that someone exists unless I'm interacting with them- for me, when I'm alone, I'm really and truly alone. It takes a great deal of concentration to believe that a clock is still ticking when I'm not looking at it- while I know it's true, I don't truly comprehend. I'm fully aware of this problem, but it's difficult to get beyond it.

As well as that, I'm also fairly egocentric about life anyways. I've always desired to live forever, because I don't care about my legacy- if I'm dead, there's no reason to care what happens. Even when I don't desire death, I'm aware of my apathy to that which comes after me, especially considering that my goal in life has for a long time been simply to know things and understand things; when I'm dead all of that understanding and knowledge is lost, because my mind is gone. So death eliminates all meaning for me. That's why whenever I don't want to die, I want to live forever- for me, it's always been a matter of 'now or never': anything in-between is pointless.

And that's me waxing philosophical. I've made these speeches to several people, albeit under happier circumstances.

* * *

The woods are lovely, dark, and deep.
But I have promises to keep,
and miles to go before I sleep,
and miles to go before I sleep.

jeff's picture

Well...

Read Ray Kurzweil, he does believe eternal life is a technological eventuality. http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Ray_Kurzweil

---
"You don't know you're beautiful." - Harry Styles

Perhaps We Should Leave's picture

Indeed

I'm a fan of Ray Kurzweil, as well as several other people like him (such as Aubrey de Gray, a personal hero of mine in the field).

* * *

The woods are lovely, dark, and deep.
But I have promises to keep,
and miles to go before I sleep,
and miles to go before I sleep.

jeff's picture

The topic has been intriguing to me lately...

As my next (aka second) novel is going to involve eternal life, but only at a surface level, so I don't think much research will be required, and certainly not a technical perspective. More on a human level of if you never die, what do you do with all that time?!

---
"You don't know you're beautiful." - Harry Styles

Perhaps We Should Leave's picture

Learn.

If I never die, I keep learning. I study every aspect of existence, and learn everything there is to learn. More importantly, understand everything there is to understand. And if that's ever complete... I guess I'll decide then.

I like reading about positive depictions of eternal life- I hope yours won't be the usual masturbation about why we should be happy with mortality. The idea that it'd be boring is ignoring the fact that the universe is unbelievably complex, and as long as there is something new to understand, there's something to live for.

Huh. I think I'm talking myself into living.

* * *

The woods are lovely, dark, and deep.
But I have promises to keep,
and miles to go before I sleep,
and miles to go before I sleep.

jeff's picture

Hard to say...

It is all just a concept at this point, but safe to say that will not be a major component, more of a backdrop. Actually, the whole thing is basically a fictional device into which I can funnel my personal essays but make them more accessible and genre than just "some guy wrote some stuff about his life."

---
"You don't know you're beautiful." - Harry Styles

Perhaps We Should Leave's picture

Fair enough

I'm curious, then. I'd love to read sometime.

* * *

The woods are lovely, dark, and deep.
But I have promises to keep,
and miles to go before I sleep,
and miles to go before I sleep.

lordmomofenixed's picture

In the End...

everything you have done does matter. Perhaps not to you, but to those you have left behind. Your family, friends, lovers... they won't forget. Especially if they are true enough.

I've battled chronic depression for years, so I could possibly relate. Many destructive thoughts and failed attempts later, here I am. True, I may not know you.... But I care enough to write this. and the other Oasians who have done the same care just as much, if not more.

Go ahead, dwell in this darkness of yours for now. But then do yourself a favor and breathe. It is going to be ok. I promise. The universe never makes a mistake, which means that your soul was put in your life for a reason. Trust me. Everything that has happened will eventually lead you to what you were born to do and where you are supposed to be.

a psychotic pencilist, moe

Perhaps We Should Leave's picture

Thank you

While I don't believe in any form of destiny or meaning in the universe (and this brings me my own form of comfort in the form of absolute free agency), your writing this means a lot. I'm feeling a lot better now, and while these thoughts will inevitably return, it's good to know that someone cares.

* * *

The woods are lovely, dark, and deep.
But I have promises to keep,
and miles to go before I sleep,
and miles to go before I sleep.