Welp, I have some things to share.
First and foremost, this weekend was fantastic. Saturday my suite mate/close friend Kaylie and I made a trip to Chicago for a concert. One considerable dilemma: my car window will not roll up. The mechanism is busted and will cost 250 dollars to fix, and I couldn't get it taken care of in time for the trip, so imagine going 75 on the highway at midnight in October with a window down. Yeah.
But other than that, it was a great trip! The band was phenomenal. I've made it my mission in life to see all of my favorite bands before I graduate college, because this was only my third real concert and I would love to experience more. Kaylie had a hard time believing I was having fun though, because I'm not the type to dance around during a show. I just kinda stand there and soak it all in.
Before the show, we roamed around the streets of Chicago. The more time I spend there, the more I like it. Sure there are a butt load of people, but really, it doesn't feel all that claustrophobic. We're gonna make another bigger trip there eventually and see all the museums and whatnot. And I'm gonna try to make it to Pride next summer.
So that happened. Also, I just got my computer back today. I'd been having a bad day last week. I submitted a story to the college's top literary publication and got rejected. I don't know why I thought I would get published, considering I am a freshman and don't know any of the editors. But it still bummed me out a bit, on top of other petty things, and when my computer was acting really slow I lost my patience and slammed my fist right where the hard drive is located. It wasn't super hard, but hard enough to do 126 dollars worth of damage apparently; all my programs had to be reinstalled. Luckily, Skydrive is a thing now, so my stories and essays were salvageable. Words cannot express how relieved I am. Lesson of the day: do not hit your computer. Don't even look at it rudely.
And now the meat of this journal: this girl I've been talking to. Okay, so we've been texting for like three weeks. And a few nights ago, she started...being...bold. Talking about cuddling with me and kissing me and teaching me how to make out and whatnot. Don't get me wrong, it was great. I've never had a girl talk to me like that before, be so openly into me before. Not gonna lie, I was pretty turned on.
But. Last night I was sitting in the studio with my friends during one of their radio shows when she calls me. I was...well, unnerved. What was I supposed to say? I knew, and still know, that we've gotten ahead of ourselves at this point. We're texting like we're in a relationship, yet we've never seen each other. I don't have a clear idea of just who she really IS. So, with the excuse of being in the studio with my friends, I did not answer. THEN all of my friends get pissed at me for not answering, and Sarah, the girl who hooked us up, said that this girl is so shy and it probably took her a lot of courage to call me (funny how neither of us act so shy when we're texting. Then again, it's easy to be bold when you're not seeing the person face-to-face).
SO Sarah calls this girl and shoves the phone in my hands. And thus began one of the most awkward phone calls of my life. It lasted about twenty minutes. I mean, actually talking wasn't that bad and it was nice to hear her voice so I can get a better idea of this lady, but there were a few...awkward pauses. It's just weird that when we were texting we were so unabashed, so intimate, and yet so far apart. And then you actually speak to the person you borderline-sexted and it's just...weird. She sounded so shy. The glaring contradiction between her on the phone and her in text is bothersome to me.
So that happened. But she's still texting me. In fact, she always texts me. In fact, I get this sinking feeling that she's far more into me than I am into her. It's not that I'm not interested, it's just...hard for me. I mean, any relationship would be strange and new to me, but this one is even stranger and newer because, oh I dunno, we've never met each other and live five hours from each other?! Plus, Sarah tells me she's a bit insecure. And I really, really got this gut feeling that she's the clingy type. I hope I'm wrong, but if that is the case, then it's just too much for me.
I've always been independent, I've always (well, mostly) been content with being alone. I'm focused on my schoolwork, on enjoying my time in college, on my friends, on my family. The idea of someone depending on me for validation, for happiness, is weird. So is the idea of having someone to...I dunno...be attached to me? Someone who I have to confer with and consult and...do couple things with? This is fucking weird, because I want a relationship...but I don't... but I do.
I guess the gist of what I'm trying to say is that I am happy where I am now. I like having this closely-knit group of friends, I like focusing on my schoolwork, I like being able to do what I like. I'm just independent, and this girl...I just don't know. I'm trying, I really am, because I've led her on. I've reciprocated. Because I'm...curious? I don't even know right now. There are just so many factors that demand attention here. Her need for closeness and attention, my independence, our physical distance...
So yeah. This is an...issue? A dilemma? But she's not an issue. She's nice, and sweet, and she's into me. I guess we'll just have to see how it all plays out?
There are too many question marks in this journal, I feel.