I used to waste my time dreaming of being alive... Now I only waste it dreaming of you.

Super Duck's picture

So, yeah, Sunday's update. I didn't post because I was studying for a test. Contrary to false speculations by certain site owners, I did not get laid. Although a certain cute blonde girl did randomly mention that she hates wearing pants...

I stressed a LOT because she took a really long time (like, a whole day) to text me back. I was like, 12000% convinced that she secretly hates me, but it turns out she was just studying! She always puts smiley faces and multiple exclamation points in her texts. It's the cutest.

I seriously sat there and had a two-hour long conversation with her without any awkwardness at all, and the only people I'm ever able to do that face-to-face with are like, my best friends for years. And I couldn't stop smiling the whole time because she's just so goddamned adorable. She makes the cutest little expressions and says the cutest stuff and I just can't even handle it, oh my god. My face hurt so badly from smiling at her so much by the time I left.

You guys know how I think certain styles of buildings and stuff are cute? She also believes that towns and buildings can be cute! She said, "I really like the town where my sister lives because it's cute," and I tried really hard not to smile and I said, "It's cute?" just to confirm her word choice, and she said, "Yeah, like the buildings." And speaking of places, we both love North Carolina. And when we were little kids, we were both ultimate Pokemon masters on our Gameboy Colors! (I neglected to mention that I am still an ultimate Pokemon master.)

I love listening to her talk about the things she likes, even if I don't know shit about them. I don't have any passions at all, honestly, but she's really, really, really into hers, and it's so cute. (I'm probably gonna use the word "cute" a million times in this journal, so just know that, okay?) It makes me wish I had something I liked that much. I really hope she never asks me what my favorite things in the world are because I'd probably answer, "Netflix and money" and then she'd never talk to me again. But it just kills me in the best way, watching those pretty blue eyes light up when she talks about running or space camp ("Sorry I'm kind of a nerd, but space camp was like, the best time of my life!") or the time she went to Africa. She can make pretty much anything sound like it's the most incredible thing in the universe. I mean... I don't even want to choke on my own vomit when she says "organic chemistry."

She loves movies, which is good because I do too, except all of her favorite movies have like, legitimate storylines whereas mine are just stupid funny. ("Umm... That probably says something about me," I said sheepishly, but she just smiled and said, "It only means that you like laughing.") But she likes funny movies too, like John Tucker Must Die. Interestingly, she said her favorite part of that movie was the "slut in truck" scene. Now, that's a very funny scene and all, but it starts off with Sophia Bush kissing Brittany Snow... If you've never seen it, Sophia Bush kisses Brittany Snow so she'll know how to kiss John Tucker, but then he comes back and she's still in the truck, so Sophia Bush's character jumps in the back seat to hide, and the girls who are watching on the hidden camera thing scream, "SLUT IN TRUCK!" Um, it makes more sense in context. It is also my favorite part of the movie (besides the part where Brittany Snow shows off her red lingerie, of course) but that goes without saying.

She said her "perfect night" doesn't even involve going out, just blankets and movies and tea. Popcorn too if she's feeling particularly adventurous. I could probably manage that at some point, don't you think? Although I don't have a TV, so we'd have to use my laptop, which would mean sitting pretty close, and the only place to sit is kind of my bed... But I'd never in a million years have the nerve to ask her to come over, even if it really, honestly was to watch a movie! Of course, a month ago I would've said the exact same thing about going out for coffee with a cute girl. But still, I don't think that can be done just yet.

We also talked (jokingly) about ideas for our upcoming paper, which will be incredibly stupid. She said it was like the dumbest assignment ever and that she had no idea what she was even going to write hers about. ("You know what? I'm just going to BS this paper!" she exclaimed.) But we had to bring an outline to class on Monday, and I did mine in like 10 minutes and it was super shitty and non-detailed because I don't even use outlines anyway. (I am not looking forward to the professor's comments about it tomorrow, but I really don't use outlines, so why waste the effort?) I looked over at her outline and it was so long and detailed and intricate. I was just like, "Wow... Your outline is REALLY detailed," and held my shitty one to where she couldn't see it, and she just flashed one of those million-dollar smiles and kind of dropped her gaze a bit like she was trying to be humble or something. It was so cute. She's so cute.

I don't know why she hangs out with me. She's beautiful and interesting and a total freakin' genius and just all together otherworldly, and I'm merely a sarcastic little shit with a terrible sense of humor. I tell her stories about everything-- about my family's general weirdness, about the outrageousness of my hometown, about the hilarious-in-hindsight misfortunes that seem to befall me every day-- and she actually listens, and that just blows my mind. You should've seen her face when I was telling her about my high school, oh man. She doesn't think she can handle ever going to Mississippi, hahaha! At one point, I apologized for telling so many stories about it in a row, and she said it was totally fine and that she was glad I got out of there, and I told her that moving here was the best thing that's ever happened to me. Because it is. If someone told me a year ago how good it would feel to wake up in the morning now, I don't know if I would've believed them. Everything here is just so opposite of there!!

She doesn't know if she can hang out this weekend because her older sister is coming to visit. She said it depends on what her sister wants to do, but if she wants to get coffee then she'll let me meet her. (I'm a little scared because she says her sisters are her best friends ever! What if her sister doesn't like me and is like, "Eww, never talk to her again!"?)

I told two of my best friends from high school about her because she just makes me so happy. One thinks it's cute, and the other hasn't spoken to me since. But that's okay because now I know who's an asshole and who's not.

Comments

radiosilence95's picture

I'm glad things went well

I'm glad things went well for you! But, one thing I've noticed is that you have a tendency to put yourself down far too much. The repeating thought I kept getting from this whole journal was "How could she ever be interested in someone like me?" If you keep up that self-defeating thought pattern, she's not gonna stay interested in you. Trust me. I had friends who put themselves down all the time and I would get so annoyed by it I could hardly be around them.

So, why question why she's interested in hanging out with you? She's hanging out with you! That's pretty much all that needs to be established, and you just gotta take it from there. You're torturing yourself with all these why's and never's.

Super Duck's picture

I know. I can tell when I'm

I know. I can tell when I'm doing that, and I hate it, but I can't make myself stop it because I just have it stuck in my head after years and years that I'm super lame and unlikable!

jeff's picture

Well...

It's time to let go of that, while you still can...

---
"You don't know you're beautiful." - Harry Styles

Super Duck's picture

I'm afraid it might already

I'm afraid it might already be too late. It's pretty much ingrained in my psyche at this point.

jeff's picture

Well...

Despite everything you keep telling yourself about why is this girl talking to you, and all your other self-defeating talk, something keeps pushing you forward. So, it's in there. It's fighting through a lot of nonsense, but so far it's winning.

I fail to believe that anyone is locked into anything for life as a teen.

---
"You don't know you're beautiful." - Harry Styles

Super Duck's picture

I can't just magically get

I can't just magically get over the bullshit that's been brewing in my head for 18 years. I just hide it all behind bad humor so other people won't catch on as fast.

I don't know what keeps pushing me forward. This is all completely and totally alien to me. Usually when I like someone, the standard procedure is "hate myself and cry" instead of "ask her out for coffee."

jeff's picture

Well...

You just seem very comfortable saying "that's just me and what can you do, that's just how I am and will always be" like it's a foregone conclusion*. When saying that just reinforces an inability to change that is most likely untrue.

* Not a reference to David Brent's band.

---
"You don't know you're beautiful." - Harry Styles

Super Duck's picture

I don't like saying it, but

I don't like saying it, but I honestly really don't think I have the ability to fix it at this point.

jeff's picture

Well...

If you keep reinforcing it as a truism, it is bound to remain true.

---
"You don't know you're beautiful." - Harry Styles

Super Duck's picture

I don't know why I'm being

I don't know why I'm being so negative about myself. I really am a lot happier right now. But I don't know, I'm just scared I guess.

jeff's picture

So...

What was her reaction to you being into girls? To be fair, she'd probably have to be completely clueless to not figure all this out, but still... ;-)

---
"You don't know you're beautiful." - Harry Styles

Super Duck's picture

I didn't tell her...

I didn't tell her...

jeff's picture

Why not?

It's not like she's some friend you've had since kindergarten and you'd be all freaked out by her reaction, and she knows all your mutual friends, and your parents from church, and all this high school drama. Some girl you've known for three weeks, isn't in your classes, and you barely see?! If she disappeared, she'd be freeing you up to find someone who was into you...

I mean, you're seemingly pursuing her romantically, whereby if she started going off about some cute boy and then started dating him, you wouldn't be happy about it. So, what are the stakes, exactly?

I rank the outcomes, in order of desirability:
1) She's gay and into you
2) She rejects you
3) She's straight, and only up for friendship
4) She's gay and not into you

1) The goal state. Easy enough to understand why you'd like this.
2) Perfect. She freaks out and never wants to see you again. Not only did you have no chance, but she's also a bit of a loser on top of that, and she's out of your life. As she should be...
3) Not a bad consolation. She won't let you visit the man in the boat, but you have a friend. Win!
4) This is actually worse than 2, because the barrier to entry isn't sexuality but desire. She's into girls, just not you. Can't be helped, but doesn't make it any easier.

Wouldn't you like to know which number she'll pick? She already knows the answer. ;-)

---
"You don't know you're beautiful." - Harry Styles

Super Duck's picture

I don't know, I got scared!!

I don't know, I got scared!! Well, actually, it didn't even cross my mind. There is just no way to naturally fit that into our conversation. I have absolutely no idea what I'm doing or what is even going on, like, ever. Sure, I'm turning 19 next month, but I pretty much have less interpersonal relationship experience than the average middle schooler. I don't even know how I have friends, let alone what to do with girls I like.

Tycoondashkid's picture

you have nothing to lose remember

are you willing to risk nothing to possibly get bliss? you may regret it one day if you dont.

my sig is relevant for this
--
"Twenty years from now you will be more disappointed by the things you didn't do than by the ones you did. So throw off the bowlines. Sail away from the safe harbor. Catch the trade winds in your sails. Explore. Dream. Discover.” Mark Twain

Bosemaster42's picture

Perhaps,

But you're learning how to interact, and I think your doing fine. Stop throwing your perception of who you are, under the bus. I'm willing to bet you are more personable than you really believe. I think you could say a majority of teens feel this way about themselves. I know I did. I think it's great you guys hit it off.