It blew up.

Meow's picture

Yeah. It it did.
Recently, I decided to come clean about the whole feelings thing. Just told her 'I like you'. Initially she was like 'I can't not be friends with you, I can't be in college without talking to you, tell me what to do to make it fine, should I not speak to you about guys, what stuff should I say or not say..' and the like. So I just said that nothing has to change, I have no expectations from you and understand that you're straight, and I didn't take the stuff that you said and the closeness as anything but friendship. And nothing has to change except that you could possible stop saying stuff that alludes to more than a friendship stuff that she normally does (but she does it with all her close friends.)
But now, she's saying that she feels discomfort when I'm around, she keeps weighing her words and stops herself from speaking when I'm around, and she stopped talking to me. I confronted her and asked her what changed, and she said that I let her be flirty and stuff, and why didn't I say something before, all the stuff that she used to say in jest sounds so wrong now, and stuff like that, that we can never be the same again, and stuff. And that whatever I did, I did because I liked her in that way.

So I said that it's okay if we are not as normal as we used to be, but I can't believe that she is ready to just cut me off because of this. That there is still hope, that it is possible to make things better. That I can't help the feelings I have but they are not as important as the friendship and the love I have for her. And that whatever I did for her was not because I liked her in that way. And I asked her what I could do to help her out, and she told me to give her space and treat me like her other friends.

She is possibly feeling very betrayed and disgusted by me because we were very close and I let her say that stuff to me. She doesn't seem interested in making this work at all despite the stuff she said to me just after telling me. And that is breaking my heart more than anything ever could. I don't know what to do without her. I can't believe that she is ready to chuck me so easily, after just two weeks. We've been there for each other through everything. I just don't know what to do. There's nothing I can do, really, except to go on with my life, but honestly there's this big hollow in my heart. She has told me that she will work on being normal, but the rare times that we meet now, she hardly makes an effort to even reply to me. She doesn't even look at me, like I've disgusted her beyond anything else. I always knew that I'd have to be free of the liking bit, but I never thought she would chuck me like that.

So that's it. I'm just fine through the day but I've never cried so much in my life. Don't know what to do. Anyone with similar experiences? To me all I can do seems to be to let her be, hopefully she comes around. Have I really done something so wrong? And till then I have to somehow get through this semester. And the next. And the next...

Comments

Meow's picture

And she says that she 'has

And she says that she 'has it in her mind' that I continue to take the things she says in that way and for that reason she can no longer talk to me at all. I know that I did say that the 'marry me' stuff did make me feel a small hope but the hope was coupled with the rational knowledge that she is in fact straight and that nothing can happen. I don't know, it doesn't seem worth ruining our friendship. And I also can't regret telling her because if I had told her later or not told her at all and she found out, she would have reacted in a worse way.

Meow's picture

I do feel guilty sometimes

I do feel guilty sometimes for letting her go on, for being close to her physically, for not saying anything when she said that stuff. That's actually something that I thought about and that I would feel guilty about and was one of the reasons I decided to come clean in the first place. I understand that this is very sudden, that her friend has suddenly become something else, that she needs time to sort it out and all that. And I don't know if I should continue the dialogue anymore. Should I keep making an effort? Just give her space, talk normally about her day and stuff like that. Or should I just let it go. But I can't! And I can't even wish that things would go back to before I told her because now that seems like a loss of honesty.
And should I send her some of these pages so that she gets a better idea of what was going through my head? Or should I just let it go?
I don't know.
You guys been in a situation like this before?

Meow's picture

This is exactly my case

This is exactly my case

jeff's picture

Too soon...

Not sure of the timeframe from when you told her until now, but I guarantee you it hasn't been long enough to be wondering why things haven't returned to normal. Not to mention, they probably won't and shouldn't return to how they were. I mean, you DID want those words to mean more than they did and she was saying things that were a bit odd as constant joking.

So, yeah, will that change going forward? Of course. Why would she make remarks you can misconstrue, and why would you want to hear things said from someone you have a crush on and know that isn't what she means?

I had a crush on a guy and, even worse, he was gay. You know, when they're straight, you can say, oh well, they're straight. But when they're also gay, it's really just that he wasn't into me. And we went through loads of awkwardness there, over many years, and I was just a groomsman in his wedding and we're perfect friends, without any issues or residual feelings or anything being tamped down, etc.

But that takes a lot of time, patience, and communication. If you want it to be good overnight, forget it. The important thing to realize is that your desire to make things normal ASAP sort of negates all of your own feelings, desires, and fantasies, which are all valid. You can't just say, "Oops, my bad," and it all disappears.

So, put the work in, or don't put the work in, but normal takes time and effort from both of you. You have to want it bad enough to push through a lot of awkwardness, and you've probably only just begun down that path, if you've even started...

It happened. She had a response. And you have to both decide now how to move forward, or apart.

Not that this is all negative, of course. You were focusing your energy on someone unable to give you the love and attention you deserve, so you know where you stand with her as far as a relationship, you can decide how to proceed with your friendship and mutually decide it is worth whatever awkwardness and communication it takes to get it right, and you're also on the market now.

So, all good in the long run...

---
"You don't know you're beautiful." - Harry Styles

Meow's picture

What you say makes a lot of

What you say makes a lot of sense. I guess I was hoping for an instant getting back to normal. She needs space and time and I will give her however much she needs of that. But I don't actually know if she wants to make the effort or not. She didn't say anything, just started avoiding me. I guess it just hurt so much that she wouldn't even tell me that she needs space, and all the stuff that she was feeling. I didn't think that she was thinking much about it in the two weeks after I told her. (it's been three weeks now.) and then suddenly...
You said that the journey of how to push through the awkwardness should be mutual, right? She has told me that she will make an effort to be normal, but I don't know how long that will stick.
Do you think I should just ask her if she is intending to make an effort, so that I know whether I should make an effort too so that it isn't totally one sided, say after another two weeks or so? She said 'take your time and I will take mine'

jeff's picture

Well...

Yeah, it will require her effort to some degree. I mean, this shouldn't be as lengthy as my case, since she's straight and you spend time together regularly, so that should accelerate things.

I think you need to feel able to tell her what you are feeling, and vice versa, so that you both give each other the space to find your authentic selves together, rather than you pretending you don't have a crush, and her monitoring her language, and both calling that "normal" and "solved."

The time apart isn't going to matter much, since you are really needing to learn how to be awkward together until you find a new path that works for both of you. At the end of the day, it's not like you had a drunken hook-up or anything, so it is just honoring that you have feelings for her, she's not on the same page, and that she was very intimate with you in conversations, and finding a new way to keep what worked for both of you, without either of you having to censor or push away your thoughts.

If anything, you need to sign on to having things be uncomfortable as you develop that new connection, and that you both think the end game of friendship is worth that hassle. So, it is more about awkward face time than quiet apart time.

---
"You don't know you're beautiful." - Harry Styles

Meow's picture

I was of the same opinion.

I was of the same opinion. That we can't cut off totally because then things might widen so much that there's no chance of it coming back. We need to see each other at least a little bit so that things come back to normal slowly. I have no problem in being with her even if it's awkward, I do try to just say a few words here and there. But that stony face ... I don't know. She says she will try but I don't see any trying happening. The thing is that I don't know what's going on with her, whether she is over thinking stuff even more or what. And I can't ask her every day. I guess it takes time, hopefully the gap doesn't widen to the point of no return in that time.

This has happened to her with another of their friends. They were very close, he told her that he likes her and she freaked out in much the same way. I think that has kind of soured her perspective on me. They do still talk now, but I don't know how much. Anyway.