My wonderful fucked up life

Mogul's picture

My life is still a complete mess and everything is confusing me.

I finally got my license, my parents are still afraid to let me drive alone, it's understandable, but last Monday my parents finally did and I was really nervous and it was ok, but there's something weird and it's that when I drive, I mostly space out, get lost inside my head and it takes a while to realize what I'm doing.

My psychologist still doesn't know what type of depression I suffer and still doesn't know what's causing my hypomania, started some psychotherapy and it really hurts (physically and mentally) and told me that if things get worse I might start antidepressants and he was curious about my last psychologist, apparently what she did was wrong and that she should have given me antidepressants.

My mind is still fucked up even with all the therapy I've received; I've been clean for maybe a month, my depression is getting stronger and I can't fight it back plus I've been thinking a lot about suicide these days and even tried it last week.

And this last part of my journal will be about two guys I met.
One is the only gay guy I've met in my little, closed minded town, he's really cute, but I'm not attracted to him or even feel anything, he's still in the closet, I know because some friend who knows him accidentally told me and I met him because of that friend and the funny thing is that her mom and my mom are friends and his mom is awesome plus really nice, he's super shy, quiet and it's really obvious that he's gay.

The other one, he's a friend of my sister, he's really nice, cute, sexy, got a nice butt, and makes me super happy; I met him on Friday when I was helping my sister do some project for some design class at the university, when I saw him I fell for his appearance and then when my sister introduced me, he was the only one that introduced himself and shakes my hand; he was kinda busy with his project and he was just there really focused on filling every little hole in some weird model he had to do, then after he was waiting it to dry, we kinda started talking, then he risks his phone to put music that I like, he just asked me what type of music I like and then the artist and he just asks me, in a room with eight people he just asks me, so my stupid brain shuts down and doesn't know what to reply, I kinda embarrassed myself a little and he puts Coldplay; we continue talking and when he gets his project out of the oven he shows it to me and explain what he's doing, made me touch it to try the smoothness and then when he's done fixing his thing he asks my sister if he could borrow me to show me all the machines from the workshop, the two of us kinda alone was a little bit awkward, but wonderful, showed me other project he had and taught me how to use every machine, he even risked his safety for my safety and while showing me how to use one of the saws, he was doing some little heart until he noticed it and cut it different; when we got back to my sister, we continued talking until my sister decided that it was time to get lunch, then he decided to join us and we had a wonderful lunch, got back to the workshop that was getting closed and my parents were ready to pick us up so we had to go.
That guy is wonderful and I want to see him again and he's perfect, he made my day and I just can't stand not having him.


elph's picture

Please... stay with us!

And... please remain clean!

About your sister's friend: He sounds like he could be your friend as well...

Would you like that?

Endymion's picture

I've been depressed as well

I've been depressed as well, sometimes i just couldn't stop my thoughts, and they are mostly negative... My head hurts from too much thinking, i feel like i can't breath and it would have been easier if i just put a knife through my chest...
But I am a coward, i couldn't go through with it, I don't know if i should be glad or ashamed of it :):). And I know there are still things that i want to see and do, so i just keep hoping...

It doesn't make the situation easier though...

As for crushes, i try not to invest too much hope in it, coz i tend to be the one that always end up hurt...