Mmm things have been a bit of a downer recently. Slightly.
As most of you probably know, I got a job shaking signs at Value Village, hooray, I'm optimistic about the chances of it turning into a more permanent position.
I don't remember if I mentioned it here, but heading to work involves going through a bit of peril, living as I do next to the world's largest building by volume, the Boeing plant in Everett, and work is on the other side, and at about the same time I get on work, those mechanics are getting off.
Long story short, I wrecked my car, that car being a BMW. I don't remember if I described it in detail here, but basically one of the mechanics shifted into my lane ahead of me, cut me off, but before I could slow down to his speed, he slammed on his brakes to avoid someone else, which kinda left me screwed.
Now, I didn't hit him that hard, but his bumper was higher than mine. His bumper suffered a few scratches, really, but it was the hood of the beamer that took the brunt of the crash, and it crumpled, broke a headlight, fucked up the radiator and the windshield washing fluid, etc.
Anyway, BMW is proud of their shit, and the parts might as well be the dick of Ron Jeremy, cause the initial estimate for fixing is over 8000$, which might be more than the car, of course, is worth.
Not only does this mean that that car, which really has served me well nearly my entire life, is probably gone, but also I hit the guy from behind, so undoubtedly it's going to be ruled my fault, and my premiums will go up.
So here's the shit: there's a certain satisfaction to finally earning money for yourself. I just deposited my first ever paycheck today, 230$, and it was pretty awesome. But now, of course, I feel really guilty, cause I was responsible for that car. And if I work my shitty minimum wage job, 20 hours a week (which, with school and all, 5 AP classes, is difficult and savages my personal life, if not quite qualifying as wage slavery) for 6 months, and this is assuming I get a job for the rest of the year, which I am very optimistic about, but still, I'll make about 4000$.
That's just kinda a sucky feeling. If I just renounce personal enjoyment for much of my senior year, I will make about half as much money as I lost in a split second. I'll just be digging out of that hole of uselessness.
But here's the real shit-kick in the balls:
Most of the time, when something shitty happens to me, hey, at least there's a lesson to pull out of it. Sure, a few weeks ago, I nearly lost my 400$ car key in the forest and had to spend a whole night finding it, horrified at the prospect of earning 400$ of useless minimum wage.
But at least I learned to be more careful.
Tons of crap has happened to me, as it does to all of us, but we learn from our mistakes.
But this time, I just got shafted in the ass. What might God be trying to tell me through this experience?
Don't drive a BMW? As if I didn't already know that.
Well, as much as my parents might have thought otherwise at the time, when I was learning to drive, I cared. I'd seen friends and my brother get in petty crashes from sheer carelessness, and I really wanted to avoid that, and I wanted to drive. I didn't talk on my phone while driving, get distracted by friends, go too fast. I get way better gas mileage than my parents (about 26 mph in that BMW compared to about 22 for my parents).
And I payed attention, always looking to make sure I didn't fuck up.
But it did me no good. This happened, and while the insurance will say it's my fault, there's no specific mistake I made to learn from.
I was paying attention. I wasn't speeding. I wasn't zoned out, I wasn't drunk, I wasn't getting a fucking blowjob.
Was I distracted? Maybe, I don't even remember.
But I was in a horribly distracting situation, with a crush of cars all going different speeds on the freeway, frantically trying to shift over.
The truth is, if it was my fault, I didn't make any mistake, I simply didn't have the skills to accomplish the task facing me, because I'd never been trained for that, never told to expect it, and I've never seen it before or since.
Maybe if I'd been driving for 30 years I would've figured it out.
But I don't know. As I run through it in my head, I don't honestly know even a hypothetical thing I could've done.
So what's God trying to tell me?
You're useless, and if you try to actually, I dunno, get a job and be useful to yourself and others in some way, I'll just fuck your ass with an experience that's technically your fault, and you'll feel like it's your fault, but you won't know, even in hindsight, what you could've done to avoid it?
If that's the bad news, the slightly smilier news is that I lost my phone.
Okay, that's not the slightly smilier news, that's just the more news that's happened to fuck me at this point in my life for some reason. My first smartphone.
No, the slightly smilier news is that I went to buy a new phone today, and I guess it's not really good news at all. The real news is that I know nothing about the phone market.
When imagining the financial ravages to be inflicted upon me by buying a new phone, I had it in my head, with numbers I pulled directly from my ass, that about $400 is the upper end of the phone market, the iPhone and all that, and at the way lower end, where I'd be shopping, it could get as low as maybe $50.
When I went to the phone store today, first I went gray to find that many upper end phones cost more than $400, up to like $700 for those mini-tablet Samsung things.
But when we actually talked to the guy, and I told him I was in it for the cheapass, I got a phone for $15. No doubt a flaming piece of shit, but I was surprised it went so cheap. A very spartan call-and-text affair, but that's all I ever did with my smartphone.
If I want directions I use Google Maps and scrawl some directions on a piece of paper. If I want to check my email I use my laptop. If I want to read I get a book, if I want to listen to music I use my brother's hand-me-down iPod.
So I thought this piece of shit phone was hilarious, I laughed about it, then got it, and I was so happy with that.