What Oasis Means To Us, And What We Can Do To Make It Better

Rejects's picture

We decided as a group to co-write a journal discussing Oasis and what it means to us, and ways that maybe it can be made better? This took some effort on our part, and lots of sneaking around and texts to accomplish but we hope that as writers on here we can advance the one place where we can publicly be ourselves.

What Does Oasis Mean To Us?

[Noah] With all the crap going on in my family and the constant effort to get my Dad to even try to be involved with me, coming out isn't an option. To me being gay is just more shit to deal with, not something I feel proud about or even thing is a good thing. At least here I can write freely about it, unlike in the chat rooms full of freaks and weirdos that just want to cam and get pics of me. I know I'm safe here, and that's HUGE!

I've talked about gear in chat rooms and was told all about spanking, humiliation, being made into a human toilet, and becoming a slave. That's shit's just gross to me and has nothing at all to do with my gear interest! On here the comments made me feel okay about what I like, not wanting to throw up.

[Drew] I may look like a boy on the outside, but I still have girl parts and don't think it's safe for me to come out as F2M just yet, but having to hide it is also so very frustrating. My second family is tolerant of me, but the older I get the more obvious my physical differences become. Eighteen is a long way off for me, so I just have to take it day by day.

I have more to write on here I just have to ask everyone to be patient with me, well really us. Only Dante has unrestricted computer use, and even he has to be careful.

[Aaron] I haven't written about it yet, but my adoptive father knows enough about my past to suspect that I'm gay, he's talked to me about gay things just like he would talk about anything else, but never really asked me. I love him for that, and someday I'll tell him what I think he already knows. I just don't think I can ever tell him about what I did that made my ex-father sign away his parental rights to me, but maybe I can write about it here?

[Dante] We were thinking about another site to write on, but it felt too strict, almost like doing English homework. English is my least favorite class because it's made to be so boring, but here we can be ourselves. I have thick walls that surround me in real life, not because I want to but because I have to. It harder for us to get on here with all the schoolwork and stuff we have going on, but I come here everyday to see what's new.

How Can We Make Oasis Better?

[Noah] I found out about Oasis in a chat room when someone there told me I should check it out. Maybe if more chat room members were aware of this site they could spread the word?

[Drew] People just need to keep writing, and spend a bit more time posting comments. If I took a lot of time to write something and not one person could be bothered to make a reply, it would make me think hard about writing on here again.

[Aaron] Noah's got a good point here, there isn't much out there for middle school age kids except lots of pressure to come out, the last thing I want/need in my life right now! There's a lack of regular acting gay guys too for us to look up too, but tons of gay guys that act like girls. None of us act like that and we know if we come out we'll be expected to change. How about some support for us as well?

[Dante] I think the older members need to be supportive of the new ones, especially those with some tough issues. I read the journals the autistic kid wrote last year and he got dumped on by the people he needed the most to help him. WE look up to older gays, and WE NEED YOU!

Thanks for reading this,

The Rejects

Comments

Dragonfighter's picture

Wow.

You pretty much summed up... everything. Nice!
-Alison

Bosemaster42's picture

Well,

I'm one of those gay guys(older) that doesn't fit any of the stereotypes. I play ice hockey, love sports, one of my hobbies is constructing stone walls out of randomly chosen stone and I build them dry, which means no mortar or cement is used. I am guilty of disappearing from time to time, but I tend to keep myself very busy. In fact, I'm writing this response on my lunch break. I try to respond as much as I can and you don't have to worry about posting your thoughts on here. Just remember, Jeff is very quick-witted, so don't be intimidated by that.

swimmerguy's picture

The autistic kid...

on here? I don't remember any autistic kids on here... But then I've been idle for a long time.

Trust me, I know how you feel about the site. When I first found it, it was the one place I could really be myself.
The ironic part about having this place to be openly gay is that it removed my urge to be super out. My sexuality now among the school at large is a bit of an open secret, and to tell you the truth, I honestly don't know how many people know or haven't heard the rumors. And I don't care. And that's largely this site affecting me. When I still had so much internalized homophobic guilt, being gay was such a huge thing I just had to tell people, now it really doesn't even seem like something to even bother wasting the breath to say. I mean, I don't lie about it, but I haven't initialized saying it by myself in a long time either.

Sorry, that was mostly about me.
Anyway, I'm glad to hear you guys value this place, and as for what can be done to revive it, I'm not sure anything. I think it could still prove relevant, I think, but there's lots of other places already doing those things. I do hope it hangs around though, as a bit of a chill enclave, and I do enjoy reading your guys' posts. It's nice to have some new energy.

elph's picture

Was it truly "internalized homophobia?"

You were experiencing internalized homophobia when you first joined the ranks of Oasis? If this is true… you kept it very well hidden and close to your chest!

From my not infallible memory… I seem to recall that you were quite critical of what the Bible (and other religions) seemed to be saying about the treatment of disobedient children… and the fate awaiting those "faithful" who failed to observe an essentially endless list of real, imagined, and illogical proscriptions contained therein. These musings failed to betray your personal unease!

However, I think your carefully worded posts back in 2009 did reflect a no-small-amount of (likely justified) self-pity… but nothing that suggested a personal disappointment for having been born gay (which would have been internalized homophobia as distinct from homophobia).

And… I fully understand the justification for your self-pity (but be encouraged that it couldn't have come even close to what you would have experienced had you entered the world a generation or two earlier!). :(

What you were feeling at the time very likely had two predominant components:

(1) The realization that you would not ever become a parent… at least not without help arriving via adoption or a difficult-to-envisage M/F "liaison."

(2) And…despite major advances, you were very aware that much of society (with parents, extended family, and friends comprising the preeminent components) remained confused, uninformed and generally fearful of anything gay. Were they to acknowledge your "secret," you could be excused (with justification) for envisaging all manner of dire possibilities that'd affect your future and limit your personal sovereignty. So much uncertainty! :(

****

Whatever the actual facts may have been back in 2009, I am confident that you have benefitted immensely from the "Oasis" as it then existed. And… I'm very confident that many of your fellow Oasies™(that "™" being yours) benefitted (possibly more so) from your near-daily and so atypically (for a 13-year-old) erudite posts…

Next step: a first real bf… no?

Stick around… both you and your friends here on Oasis can only be enriched!

jeff's picture

Well...

One reason to make sure everyone knows you're a big gay, though, is you need to make sure all the closeted people (aka, potential boyfriends, friends, and tricks) in school find out.

---
"You don't know you're beautiful." - Harry Styles

swimmerguy's picture

That's

why I have my rainbow wristband. I know gay kids will zero in on that, everyone else, who cares? Subtlety is key.

elph's picture

Uh… just "have"… or actually "wear?"

Merely curious. :)

And... yeah... fully agree on the value of subtlety (just as long as its object is sufficiently wise not to make an unintended inference...).

jeff's picture

Thanks...

for the feedback. Everyone seems to be hitting on the same reasons why people like Oasis, but I'm still not locking in on how to get more people here.

Two things to mention, though.

"There's a lack of regular acting gay guys too for us to look up too, but tons of gay guys that act like girls. None of us act like that and we know if we come out we'll be expected to change. How about some support for us as well?"

The issue here is your belief that you have to carry yourself in any specific way because you're gay. This is typically a sign that you need to learn to accept yourself more, and of course, as per usual some internalized homophobia.

There are people who accused of "acting" gay, and often when someone comes out, the needle may fly in the gayer direction for a bit, but that is only because that same person was in fear and restricting their own behavior before. So, the act isn't the gay part, the acting was when they were trying hard to seem straight. So, you're creating an issue here that doesn't exist (that there is no support for non-flamboyant gays), which makes it difficult to address. When you fully accept yourself and your sexuality, then this issue disappears.

I would say there may be more visibility for flamboyant gay guys, but that makes sense. There are also more visibly butch straight guys in media and pop culture, etc. That doesn't mean there's any more of them in everyday life, or that they are getting any special attention. Only that you don't fear being identified as a butch and strong. And that's the internalized homophobia bit.

"I think the older members need to be supportive of the new ones, especially those with some tough issues. I read the journals the autistic kid wrote last year and he got dumped on by the people he needed the most to help him. WE look up to older gays, and WE NEED YOU!"

I forget the names, and can't recall there being any autism angle (not that that's a very unique diagnosis), but there always backstories that aren't evident on the proper site. One member got very confrontational and wrote nasty things on the site about me regularly, and I said he was free to leave (I don't remove members as a rule), etc., and we didn't get along, but most people don't know the nasty stuff kicked in when I prevented his suicide attempt. So, if you only see the nasty part, you might not know that I might also be the reason he was alive to still be nasty to me?

Other users I have, at times, suspected of being potential fake accounts, and I would just sort of mention a quick, "if you're actually a real gay teen" or somesuch, sort of to tip off other people that I wasn't sure about this person, and then I continued to give them advice as though they were real, since I figure it might help them or, if they are fake, the advice would still be the same for anyone else actually going through this stuff.

And that's all fine, but then (and I forget the username, but it only kept happening in their case), every comment tread on their stuff would keep bringing up that I didn't believe they were real, and reinforce that they did, and other users kept defending this person being real, which kept reopening the same boring debate every time.

But I only mentioned it that once, so I have to imagine that person was having private messages or somesuch with others, and that kept that concept alive far longer than if they just shrugged and ignored my comment. Not to mention, if someone keeps defending and repeatedly saying they aren't fake? It starts seeming like they are protesting that idea too much. ;-)

But, either way, I think you're focusing on the anomalies moreso than the standard reactions people get on here.

---
"You don't know you're beautiful." - Harry Styles

Perhaps We Should Leave's picture

Huh...

Was I that confrontational one? I can't remember. I also think maybe some of those fake ones might have been me.

If I am the confrontational one (and even if I'm not) I hope you know that all the jokes at your expense are meant to be perfectly friendly ribbing. I rather like you.

* * *

The woods are lovely, dark, and deep.
But I have promises to keep,
and miles to go before I sleep,
and miles to go before I sleep.

jeff's picture

No...

It wasn't you. These had no element of joking...

---
"You don't know you're beautiful." - Harry Styles

Perhaps We Should Leave's picture

Hm.

That's unfortunate. I seem to remember some hostility involved on the site awhile back, but I've not been here that long or that often, so I may be thinking of something else.

Either way, it is rather anomalous to have an extreme amount of hostility between any two people on this site.

I think that this reply may be utterly purposeless. Huh. Oh well.

* * *

The woods are lovely, dark, and deep.
But I have promises to keep,
and miles to go before I sleep,
and miles to go before I sleep.

Perhaps We Should Leave's picture

Fake Folks...

(For Dante:)

I did act like a few other folks on this site before- in fact, this profile started out as 'someone else'.

In my defense, I was going through extreme mental illness troubles at the time.

Most of the time people are genuine and kind about these things, though. Most older members are highly supportive and kind, even to people like me who have done some odd and dishonest things on the site.

When people don't respond to something, sometimes it's because the site is empty for a while. I personally try to respond to most things when I'm online, but I tend to take long hiatuses from the site at times.

(Specifically for Drew:)

I'm an MTF transsexual, and I have many kind, transitioned FTM friends that I can point you towards if you would like me to give you an e-mail. I can also give you some advice based on my experience with myself and my boyfriends (most of whom have been FTM). Do consider my offer; I mean it with great sincerity.

(Now for Aaron:)

I came out as gay in middle school, and it was probably a relatively bad decision. While it certainly allowed for great theatrics at school (which I am wont to be a part of), it did make my life a tad more difficult, and so I understand not desiring to come out. I also do feel that you have a right to keep quiet about it until you feel safe. If you would like to talk to me about some things I did to manage through middle-school, feel free to ask.

(Now... Tubular... Bells!)

(Last, but not least, for Noah:)

As for things involving gear, it's sometimes difficult to find a place that speaks about sex without becoming a micro-dating-site. As a member of the local D/s community where I live, I've experienced the same issue both online and off. The community can be very kind and helpful, though, if you find the right places. Like everyone else, feel free to ask me for anything (such as resources, or just talking).

In any case, I think this was an excellent topic to bring up and I appreciate y'alls honesty in all of this! I raise a glass.

* * *

The woods are lovely, dark, and deep.
But I have promises to keep,
and miles to go before I sleep,
and miles to go before I sleep.