11/12/13

radiosilence95's picture

Today's date is so fun to write.

I think I'll start with smaller stuff and get to the meat of this journal later (P.S: the meat involves relationship-esque things). Ummm I fucking love college, in case that wasn't abundantly clear already. I've learned more in one term of college than I have in one year of high school, and that's really not an exaggeration. I mean, it really isn't even worth it to compare high school and college. To do so would be like comparing Stephanie Meyer and Shakespeare.

But yeah, I consider this place home. I adore my suite mates, the campus is so cozy and peaceful, the courses are mind-opening and rigorous in the best possible way. One of my suite mates is from California and we got the first Midwestern snow of the season so we romped around in the snow all night and had snowball fights and built a snowman and whatnot. And I was just so happy. I've been having more of those moments here, where I'm just so utterly content. I feel like I'm going in the right direction. I may not have everything mapped out exactly, but I don't need to.

Let's see...next term it looks like I'll be taking a course called social movements, which is somewhat of a continuation of the human rights course I took this term, a creative nonfiction writing workshop, and a course on existentialism (I was gonna take an intro to philosophy course, but it was full, so my adviser pulled some strings for me). I love how here you can get such a well-rounded schedule and take really interesting classes and still focus on a major and not be stressed and only focus on three intensive courses per trimester and it's just so fantastic.

So, my girlfriend, Mickala, came over this weekend. For those of you just now tuning in, we have never met in person and our relationship is long-distance. She drove five hours to see me. We had a pretty nice weekend. Pretty much.

However.

She's a very touchy person, and was a bit pushy at times with the physical stuff. I am not a touchy person. Don't get me wrong; some of the touching was fantastic. It got a little heavier than I originally planned, but more on that later. But she really likes to touch. And it's something that I am not really used to. She's very affectionate and I am just now learning how to actually be affectionate and show affection. And I do not like to be touched all the time. For example, at one point during the play I took her to she tried to hold my hand and I just kinda moved my hand away to let her know that I didn't want to hold hands at that particular moment. She acted a bit upset, got really quiet, and we were with my friends so they were all wondering what was up, so I caved and held her hand.

I guess basically the thing about Mickala is that not only is she super touchy and feely, she's a bit insecure. Just a bit. She needs affirmation. I am not a gushy, mushy person. And I feel like, as in the hand-holding incident, if I don't reciprocate or approve her touchies all the time, I'm hurting her feelings. And I don't want to have to constantly boost her self-esteem. I just don't do clingy in general. I am an independent person. So we're different in that regard.

I tried to voice this to her, but I think the point needs to be driven across further. Pretty much what needs to be established is that first of all, I do like touching and affection, just not all the time. Just because I'm not holding your hand or kissing you every chance I get does not mean I find you physically repulsive. Second, I am not a mushy person. I will tell you you are beautiful. I will compliment you, but I will never overdo it. Clingy ain't my thing.

I mean, these are all things that can be remedied through effective communication. Communication in a relationship is new to me, because, well, relationships are new to me. But I feel like this is worth a shot. I feel like I need to give this a good, solid effort.

But yeah we went to see the fall play on campus, we went to the park and took a nice walk, we ate several meals with my suite mates, we went shopping downtown. We decorated the suite for Christmas and hung up lights and stuff. But after the lights went out and everyone went to bed, well, you know. Things happened. Sexual things that were sexual but not quite full-blown sex, basically. Which, like I said, was more than what I was originally intending, but it was fantastic. A little scary, a little overwhelming, but retrospectively pretty damn fantastic. I admittedly didn't lean towards the fantastic so much as it was happening; I turned away or pushed away a few times because I just didn't know how to handle things, but she understood. She was always the initiator though, if that says anything.

So yeah. I'm planning on driving over to Missouri to see her during winter break, but I'm a bit anxious about what my mother will have to say on the subject. I mean, she can't stop me, of course. I just know that deep down, I want her to be happy for me. I want her to approve. I don't want this to be a source of tension between us. And if things really work for Mickala and I, I want her to make a trip to my hometown and stay with me. I want to show her my home, meet my sister, my mom, go to my dad's with me and eat dinner with him and his girlfriend. I want this to work. I really do. But I can't get ahead of myself.

I'm not completely smitten. I'm really not. Turned on and interested, yes. The long-distance thing is gonna really suck. Boundaries and differences need to be voiced and noted. But I'm gonna try to do this right.

Comments

elph's picture

I am very pleased...

to read that you're adjusting so well to life at such a great college!

radiosilence95's picture

Oh yeah, I'm very

Oh yeah, I'm very comfortable here. Everything's already so familiar. I couldn't have made a better choice.

jeff's picture

Hmm...

Sounds like things stayed on the same path you anticipated from your prior communications, that you are coming from two different perspectives on things, and that she is more into things than you. The success will depend on whether you can sort out some common ground that both agree upon, rather than one of you (probably you) giving in to the other's desire until it seems like too much. So, I think the crucial bit is finding that common ground where you are both on the same page.

One major thing to realize, though, as far as your mother is that this is 100% her issue to work out. You can do a lot to help things, and talk about it, and help her along, but this is all 100% her issue to resolve. She is the only person preventing this acceptance, so make sure to not shoulder any of that blame/guilt.

---
"You don't know you're beautiful." - Harry Styles

radiosilence95's picture

When we talked, I told her

When we talked, I told her that I want to take things slow, that I don't want her to get so caught up in this relationship that she forgets everything else. I'm proud of myself for speaking up like that, I just really hope she doesn't become that super clingy, needy type of person in a relationship. I do like her, I just really need to get to know who she is more.

Yeah, it is her issue to resolve. I mean, I don't think she's 100% opposed to my dating, I just have very little to go on as far as her thoughts and feelings about it are. I guess we shall see come December, when I let her know that I'll be spending a weekend three hours away with my girlfriend. All I can do is bring it up when it absolutely needs to be, and she can take it from there.