Today was my birthday. It was the best birthday I've ever had, even though I have a macroeconomics test tomorrow morning, so I have to study some more tonight. I'm actually in the library right now, but I'm taking a break because this guy across the room keeps coughing annoyingly. I know he can't help it, but it's the exact same hacking cough, over and over, like every 30 seconds on the dot. I got so many presents in the mail from my mom that I had to make two trips to the mail room. So much candy and some boots and some nice clothes that I still need to try on. I haven't gotten that many presents since I was in elementary school and still having those birthday parties where you invite your whole class. Last year nobody cared about my birthday except my immediate family because the presidential election was a bit more of a pressing matter... But this year, everyone cared! I woke up to like 15 unread text messages. And I got to sleep in super late, and my usually-noisy neighbors didn't keep me awake all night like they did every single night last week. (Not all of my neighbors are annoying, but a fair number have proven that they kind of are! There is just no good reason to scream every word you say and run up and down the hall at 3 a.m. when you are completely sober.)
I've only eaten junk food all day, and I'm starting to feel it. Ugh! But junk food is pretty cool when it's your birthday. I mean... you only turn 19 once, after all!
Anyway, yeah, there are only two things cooler than junk food: outer space and hugging Cute Blonde Girl. I think that second thing might actually be the coolest thing in the entire universe. She brought me a cupcake for my birthday. Eating a cupcake in front of someone cute is really, really hard because they're so messy. I had to leave most of the frosting alone, but I can't eat more than a couple bites of frosting anyway, so it wasn't a big deal. She said we had to meet up before class today after I mentioned on Monday how I didn't have any birthday plans because of my macroeconomics test the day after. (That's right, I got to hang out with her TWICE this week, and probably again this weekend!)
It's making studying kinda hard, though. Every time I try to think about government expenditures and balanced budgets, my brain recreates that moment instead. (At least it's a more welcome distraction than Mr. Hacky Cough.) All I can think about is how totally freakin' magical it felt to wrap my arms around her, how warm she was, how soft the material of her jacket felt...
If that's what 19 is gonna be like, I don't think I'd mind being 19 forever.
But yeah, it's pretty hard to get it through my head that I'm 19 now because that means in exactly a year, just one year from this very moment, I will be in my 20s, and I just don't know how to process that. That's crazy to me. Like, my parents HAD ME in their 20s! To be honest, I feel like a 12-year-old in an adult body. I can't be 19! But I am, somehow. My dad says it all goes downhill after 21. Considering my life has only just in the past few months stopped seeming completely hopeless, that's lovely to know. Thanks, dad.
I'm having some hardcore test anxiety after one particularly disastrous political science test a couple weeks ago. (The worst part is, I knew almost all the answers except two. But I didn't use the "keywords" he was looking for. You know exactly where I think he can put his "keywords.") There's going to be another one next week, and I feel like puking every time I even think about it. I'm kinda worried about macroeconomics tomorrow too, but not as much because the professor drops the lower of your two midterm grades and I made a B on the first one, so if I fuck up tomorrow, I'm still safe. But I want an A.
I'm so scared I won't make a 3.2 GPA by the end of the year to keep my scholarship, so then I'd have to get more loans to offset some of the costs, and I don't want to get more loans because if I keep doing what I'm doing, then I'll owe fairly little when I graduate. I don't want to owe a lot! I think I'm stressing too early, though, because you can't even see your real grades until the end of the semester, and the 3.2 is for both semesters combined. Cute Blonde Girl says fall semester freshman year is really hard because it's an adjustment period. I've never really had test anxiety before, except the last time I took the ACT. What is wrong with me?