a first

centerfielder08's picture

triggerwarning...transition , self hate, etc.

for the first time the other day, it was thursday night, i turned to a friend of mine during a VIP dinner we both went to.

i asked her "i know this doesn't matter what you think but i just need some validation. would you rather i transition medically or not exist?"

she seemed confused.

let me explain quickly that my idea about transition has changed rapidly and i am now hoping to pursue top surgery and i'm not sure about hormones but maybe.

to which she turned to me and said "does it really have to be one or the other? are those the only 2 choices?"

me: "sometimes it feels like those are the only 2 choices"

her: "well then i'd much rather you exist , no matter what that means, than for you to not exist at all"

basically, my idea regarding transition has gotten to a point where at times it does feel like either i transition or i stop existing.

((PLEASE NOTE THAT ANY AND ALL FORMS OF GENDER TRANSITION ARE VALID, WHETHER THAT INCLUDES HORMONES OR NOT, WHETHER THAT INCLUDES SURGERY OR NOT, WHETHER THAT INCLUDES A LEGAL NAME CHANGE OR NOT, etc.)) you are enough of whatever gender with which it is you identify.

please comment on my journal here though. this takes a lot of guts for me to post.

Comments

jeff's picture

Seems like...

... these are questions for you to decide for yourself. No one else can really determine what you need to be comfortable and live your life the way you need to.

I also don't think journals need trigger warnings at the beginning and ALL CAPS caveats at the end, either, btw. Every journal is that person's thoughts.

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"You don't know you're beautiful." - Harry Styles