A very lonely, not-silly journal.

Perhaps We Should Leave's picture

Sometimes... Sometimes I feel so alone. Sometimes I get this feeling that even when someone understands me a lot, they don't really understand what the world is like to me. They don't look at the things I do and see them like I do. I know that everyone's unique, and nobody can really understand another- sure. But that doesn't make it better.

Worst of all, though, is that sometimes I think someone understands me, and I feel connected to them, and I feel like I'm finally not alone... And something happens to remind me that they don't, not really. That I really am alone, and always will be. Sometimes I dream that I meet someone who knows what goes on in my head, and loves me for who I really am. But then I wake up. And I feel lonelier than ever. I had that dream last night; I was so happy when I woke up, but as the day when on I remembered that it was only a dream. I wish I never had to wake up from those dreams.

My head is so fucked up. I've seen and done shit that I don't want to remember, and I've had to live with things that still leave me crying and shaking after years. I've been preyed on and taken advantage of and twisted and broken to the point where sometimes I can hardly tell the difference between what's really happening and what I just think is happening anymore. I don't even know which of my memories are real and which are just nightmares; the differences between the twisted dreams and the things I've lived are slim.

Apparently my mental and emotional understanding of the world was shaken by all of that, or maybe I was just born with this, but either way it appears that my way of seeing things is somewhat unique; I'm not saying this about myself by myself, this is what I am told. Hell, at some point one of my best friends and old lovers told my boyfriend once during a crisis that he has no idea how my head works... Oh yeah. This is the man who understands me most. The man who is the only one who can even claim to have a basic understanding of where my mind moves.

Golly. If there is someone who understands me out there... maybe it'd be better if there isn't, because maybe if there is that would mean they lived through what I did, too. I wouldn't wish my memories on anyone.

In any case... Yeah, sure, I sound fucking emo, maybe. "Nobody understands me" and all that. But honestly? I'm scared that it's true. I'm scared that I'm so fucking wrong in the head that I'll always be alone. That I'll never find someone who understands me. Maybe that's a good enough reason to 'upload' my mind... Then I'll have a copy of me to love me.

TL;DR, loneliness butthurt and mild existential depression. Joyeaux.

Comments

lonewolf678's picture

I can kind of relate.

However there is the "kind of" in which we differ. I suppose the thing is, is (ugh English language) that we shouldn't dwell on these things. It only hurts and doesn't get us anywhere. Eventually the bad memories fade as the years press on, but only if you let them go. When dwelling on them, they'll stay vivid.

Maybe when you're much older you'll still have figments of those memories but they'll seem fuzzy and hard to piece together. The emotions associated with them may fade as well. But this is all hypothetical and theoretic.

We've all been there though, we all have bad memories, us humans learn as we grow and with our lifespans we end up with a collection of memories. Good and bad. In this way we relate, we've been though bad stuff. Just want to let you know you're not alone in that respect.

Bosemaster42's picture

I'm not sure why,

Your so worried about people understanding you completely. It seems to me the process of getting to really know someone takes time, years in fact, before you can actually 'think' you understand someone. There's always the likelihood(for the person trying to understand) of being thrown a curveball, so to speak, which can muddy the waters a little bit.
Being mysterious isn't necessarily a bad thing either. I'm a Libra and I tend to 'read' people more often than not. I'm usually right about the person I read, but I've been wrong a couple of times as well, so it's hardly a perfect science.
I think it's obvious you've had some bad experiences and perhaps made some bad decisions(haven't we all?) but that doesn't make you a bad person, it simply means you're human. I would think compatibility is more important to a relationship. Allow yourself to let go of the past, and perhaps the 'past' will stop invading your dreams.

Perhaps We Should Leave's picture

Well...

I suppose much of the problem I have with being understood is my habit of reaching severe existential crises, and desiring to have any sort of validation that I am, in fact, not completely and utterly insane. Also, not being able to comprehend the way other people see the world and vice versa leads me to feel like I'm unable to make a connection to people, and connection is a terribly important thing to me. And the people I think understand me are generally people I've known for years.

Yeah, I've made bad decisions and had bad experiences, like anyone else, but there are some things that I have a great deal of difficulty being able to live with.

* * *

The woods are lovely, dark, and deep.
But I have promises to keep,
and miles to go before I sleep,
and miles to go before I sleep.

Bosemaster42's picture

The things,

That are most difficult to live with, should be first on the list to let go of. The only thing preventing you from doing this, is your own thoughts. We tend to dwell on our worst mistakes, and think about them, while trying to visualize how we could have prevented or avoided the mistake. Continuously re-hashing the scenario in your mind, or through dreams, means you are not allowing yourself to let go of those thoughts. The mysterious human mind is a huge wheel of thoughts, for lack of a better analogy, that constantly bombard our minds for our attention. Allowing your attention to be directed to these thoughts is what gives them power. This may sound nutty, but literally watch the thoughts that enter your mind, and simply let the negative ones go. The minute you give attention to the negative thoughts, this is what causes pain(mental) and anguish. Try it, when your not pre-occupied and it's quiet, and see what tries to steal your attention.

Perhaps We Should Leave's picture

Forgive me...

But there's a reason it takes trauma victims years of therapy to deal with their trauma. Pseudo-Zen sophistry isn't the answer, I'm afraid, especially when someone deals with consistent flashbacks and other involuntary thoughts triggered by their partner merely grabbing their wrist or saying the wrong three words at the wrong time. Actual psychology can tell you that trauma, especially when you're young, can be extremely difficult to shake off.

There is, in fact, a reason that I go to a doctor.

I appreciate what I am sure are pure intentions on your part, but I tend to greatly resent the consistent idea that one can will themselves through their problems, given the fact that that winds up putting the blame on the suffering for not being able or willing to 'get past' their troubles.

EDIT: This is not an attempt to be rude or ungrateful, it's merely an attempt to point out what I consider a serious problem combined with unbridled rage at that problem, not the speaker.

* * *

The woods are lovely, dark, and deep.
But I have promises to keep,
and miles to go before I sleep,
and miles to go before I sleep.

elph's picture

Well stated!

Sorry... that's all. I certainly have no worthwhile suggestion; that's best left to the professionals.

Anyway... Good luck!

jeff's picture

Umm....

I'm unclear how someone not understanding you entirely completely means you are alone. That seems a recipe for strictly defining the only available option as solitude.

Can't they not understand you completely, but still fill a huge void within you (not that one!)?

Why must it be all or nothing?

Also, can't someone understand you AND think you're insane? ;-)

---
"You don't know you're beautiful." - Harry Styles

Perhaps We Should Leave's picture

I suppose...

When I say alone, I mean it in a strictly existential sense- when I am the only one who sees what I see, does that mean that I am alone? I think so, in the same way that a woman who speaks only Tagalog is alone in a place where there are only men who speak only Zulu.

Well, in all fairness I am very, very insane, and I have no issues with that fact. In all probability if there were a precise copy of me, we would both consider each other completely insane. We would also probably be fucking most of the time. The trouble I have is the idea that this insanity may lead me to become disconnected from my humanity and (worse) disconnected from the beautiful universe that surrounds me. I value that beauty more than anything else, and I'm terrified of losing it.

* * *

The woods are lovely, dark, and deep.
But I have promises to keep,
and miles to go before I sleep,
and miles to go before I sleep.

jeff's picture

Hmm...

Why would it change? If you're insane now and you still have your humanity and connection to the universe, then that seems to exist in parallel to your insanity.

---
"You don't know you're beautiful." - Harry Styles