Sometimes... Sometimes I feel so alone. Sometimes I get this feeling that even when someone understands me a lot, they don't really understand what the world is like to me. They don't look at the things I do and see them like I do. I know that everyone's unique, and nobody can really understand another- sure. But that doesn't make it better.
Worst of all, though, is that sometimes I think someone understands me, and I feel connected to them, and I feel like I'm finally not alone... And something happens to remind me that they don't, not really. That I really am alone, and always will be. Sometimes I dream that I meet someone who knows what goes on in my head, and loves me for who I really am. But then I wake up. And I feel lonelier than ever. I had that dream last night; I was so happy when I woke up, but as the day when on I remembered that it was only a dream. I wish I never had to wake up from those dreams.
My head is so fucked up. I've seen and done shit that I don't want to remember, and I've had to live with things that still leave me crying and shaking after years. I've been preyed on and taken advantage of and twisted and broken to the point where sometimes I can hardly tell the difference between what's really happening and what I just think is happening anymore. I don't even know which of my memories are real and which are just nightmares; the differences between the twisted dreams and the things I've lived are slim.
Apparently my mental and emotional understanding of the world was shaken by all of that, or maybe I was just born with this, but either way it appears that my way of seeing things is somewhat unique; I'm not saying this about myself by myself, this is what I am told. Hell, at some point one of my best friends and old lovers told my boyfriend once during a crisis that he has no idea how my head works... Oh yeah. This is the man who understands me most. The man who is the only one who can even claim to have a basic understanding of where my mind moves.
Golly. If there is someone who understands me out there... maybe it'd be better if there isn't, because maybe if there is that would mean they lived through what I did, too. I wouldn't wish my memories on anyone.
In any case... Yeah, sure, I sound fucking emo, maybe. "Nobody understands me" and all that. But honestly? I'm scared that it's true. I'm scared that I'm so fucking wrong in the head that I'll always be alone. That I'll never find someone who understands me. Maybe that's a good enough reason to 'upload' my mind... Then I'll have a copy of me to love me.
TL;DR, loneliness butthurt and mild existential depression. Joyeaux.