On Friday, one of my professors told me I had a nice speaking voice. I was honestly really, really shocked since I've always been incredibly self-conscious of my voice. There's some quality to it I don't really like that I can't quite place. It's not what I'd think of when I think of an "annoying" voice, but there's just something about it. (I've found that it's not nearly as bad as it could be, though. I've met a few girls with really shrill, screechy voices, and I'm glad I don't have that! I'm also glad that I have no traceable accent; no one has ever guessed where I used to live, and I've had more than a few people be totally surprised upon finding out.) But yeah, he said that it was calming and that it will serve me well. Definitely an unexpected compliment.
So... school is kind of blah. I mean, it's not really a surprise, considering I've never liked school, but I find it a bit disappointing because everyone always told me that college was more fulfilling. But I don't find that it is, at least not for me, anyway. I see it mostly as a means to an end. Just like always. I haven't really started taking many classes that relate to my major, though, so maybe soon it'll change. (I don't think I've ever said it before, but I'm in business. I don't really mention it because people always think it's so weird that I'm doing business. Not people at college, but like, people who knew me when I was younger because they always think about how I used to be really bad at math, forgetting about how I stopped being really bad at math after the geometry nightmare ended. One of my high school teachers last year was outright mean to me about becoming a "boring accountant." But I have my reasons why I'm in business. The first semester introductory business class is really annoying. They changed it this year. My TA said hers was totally different. In her introductory class, they gave you a taste of each branch of business. But this year it's "business ethics" and it's all about feelings and it's so unbelievably lame. Everyone I know who's in it totally hates it.)
I don't really hate any of my classes except business ethics, though. I can find positives in most of them. I even like the material of political science, the class that gives me the most stress and anxiety, although I hate the way the class is structured. More on that in a minute. I don't really care about philosophy, like at all, but my professor is extremely entertaining, his tests are a joke, and I get to sit with the cutest girl ever. But I never feel like WOW LEARNING!!! Like, I don't have any classes I'm totally in love with. For example, I like macroeconomics. It's kind of hard, but material-wise, it's probably my favorite class this semester. But it's graded on a really nasty curve, and I don't know what other people's grades are, so I'm scared that I'll get a shit grade even though I do decently on the tests. So, needless to say, that kind of prevents me from fully enjoying it. Well, actually in business ethics there's this one girl who always goes out of her way to be nice to me even though we haven't talked much before since she wasn't on my presentation team, so there's a positive there too I guess. She talked to me for a while yesterday before class. When I got back, I did a little Facebook investigation and it turns out she likes a lot of stuff I like too. I think I might ask her if she'd be interested in studying for the final together.
I'm pretty excited about a couple of my classes next semester, though. I have Intro to Finance, so I'll get to see what that's like. And my elective is sociology with a hot professor, hahaha! I feel pretty lucky because I literally got the second-to-last seat in her class. My mom went to college briefly (for like 3 semesters) while I was in high school, and she said her favorite class by far was sociology and that if I was ever looking for an elective to take in college, I should consider it.
I still stress myself absolutely sick over my grades. My school is infamous for grading very, VERY hard. I didn't actually believe this until I came here... I still have next semester to bring up my GPA too. Now I've finally figured out how long it actually takes to study for college tests, maybe now I won't fuck up next semester. Unless absolute disaster strikes somehow, I most likely won't have below a 3.0, so I'll probably just drop to the smaller scholarship that requires a 3.0 if I don't get a 3.2. That would suck, but getting a part time job would help. I've been considering looking into a job anyway because I find that I have so much free time that I tend to waste a lot of it, as crazy as that sounds. Some money would be nice too.
The bad stuff all started when I failed a political science test in October. The entire month was rough, but I didn't really talk about it a lot here since my posts here focus mainly on Cute Blonde Girl. I studied pretty hard for it, but there were a lot of seemingly out-of-nowhere questions and there was this bullshit about "keywords" in your answers. Most people's grades on it were pretty bad, but that didn't make me feel any better. I couldn't believe I failed a political science test. I knew that material! I mean, I kicked APUSH's ass in high school, and I seriously made like a 100 in my high school government class, which had similar material.
I honestly believed I was going to fail out of school because of a stupid fucking elective. I felt so stupid and inadequate. I would just have all these thoughts telling me I was so stupid and worthless and I didn't deserve to be here and all that kind of stuff. Even that I didn't deserve to have Cute Blonde Girl because I'm so stupid.
When the second test rolled around, the week after my birthday, I studied extremely hard and changed my methods completely, but when I actually sat down to take it, it was an absolute nightmare. There were a couple questions on things that I know were not in any lectures and that I didn't recall from the textbook either. And there was one question that was on a tiny fact the professor mentioned once, something you'd never even think to study. And I didn't even know how to answer the essay question. I completely made up some bullshit that sounded terrible even to me. After I turned my test in, I cried on the way out. I didn't get it back until Friday, and the whole time from the moment I turned it in until then, I was a total trainwreck. The thoughts intensified. All I could think about was what a miserable failure I was.
Friday morning, the grades were released and I made an 86. I don't even know how to even begin to tell you what it felt like to see my grade, but I'm gonna try. You know when you really, really, REALLY have to pee, but you can't get to a bathroom for a long time, and then when you finally do, it's like the angels are singing? That's kind of what it was like. I only missed 2 questions (there are only 8 questions on the test plus the separately-graded essay question, so they probably count for a lot, but I'm really not sure how the grading actually works) and I even made an A- on my bullshit essay question! I was so happy! When I told Cute Blonde Girl about it, she was so proud of me, haha.
So, anyway, I miss Cute Blonde Girl. She had a rough/busy week too the week of my political science test. She didn't even respond to my text, which was unusual. (She's a very, very, very painfully slow replier, but she always replies. She's also totally aware that she's an awful texter.) But she'd had a bad week, so I just thought it was probably related to that somehow. She didn't look very happy in class last Monday either, so I left her alone. Finally, on Wednesday, I missed her too much so I talked to her a bit, but she wasn't very talkative. She said she's really, really ready to go home for a few days, and there was a hint of something in her voice that just made me think awww... I decided to leave her alone this past weekend since I had a political science paper to write, and she just didn't really seem like she'd be in the mood to do much. She kind of gives off an "I want to be alone with my sadness" vibe, which I totally get because I also like to be alone when I'm not feeling 100%. She seemed like she felt a lot better yesterday and was very talkative, though. She was very excited because her sister is picking her up from the airport. She kept talking about how fun it is for her to go home and she was so happy and smiley and adorable. I've missed seeing that.
I think she was missing her family and was anxious for Thanksgiving break to hurry up and get here. A few weeks ago, she mentioned being very excited that she's going home this year because she didn't last year. She's REALLY attached to her family and her hometown, which I think makes her decision to go to school out here on the East Coast a little strange, but I'm obviously very glad she made that choice.
I'd really like to spend some time with her before Christmas break. If nothing else, we'll most likely study for the final together and our study sessions generally just turn into hanging out, but on Christmas break I won't get to see her for a whole month, and that is shit. And after that, I won't have class with her anymore, so I'll have to make sure myself that I get to see her. Maybe during break, can I tell her that I've been missing her? Nothing too overboard, just like, "Hey Cute Blonde Girl, I hope your holiday is going well. I miss you and I'd love to get together sometime next week." Is that too weird or needy?
So, anyway, I'm in the airport, about to fly to Memphis and then go to the shitworld known as Mississippi. I'm sure you can just feel how ecstatic I am. Oh yes, I am so, so fucking DELIGHTED that I get to go to the ugliest place in the country and be pretty much as far away from Cute Blonde Girl as I can possibly get in the continental US and see a bunch of nosy idiots who think my mom is fucking her neighbor just because he helped her pack up some furniture. Yes, you read that right. (If it's the neighbor I think they mean, he's in his 60s and seeing someone else?) Their lives are so pathetic and boring that they have to make up rumors about people to find any entertainment. Apparently, it is high school there. At least I'll be away from my obnoxious, screaming neighbors for a few nights. (Oh god, do they scream! Like, all the time. They were so cool at the beginning of the semester, but then the nonstop screaming started. I actually was kept awake until 3:30 last night by people screaming and stomping around, but fortunately my morning class was cancelled.)
To be honest, I'm kind of dreading the tension that I know will arise from having dinner at my grandparents' house. I don't like very many relatives on my dad's side of the family, and the feeling is more than mutual. There's this one, my grandma's brother-in-law, he's the most arrogant asshole I have ever met in my entire life, and the thought of seeing him soon makes me cringe. He's rude and he gives off a really creepy vibe to my little sister (always says how he "LOVES little girls" since he only had boys and has made some pretty shocking comments... and he says we gays are the freaks) and he's really vocally homophobic and racist and no one tells him to shut the fuck up because it's fucking Mississippi, and he's just so disgustingly smug about it all. I think this time maybe I will tell him to shut the fuck up if he says anything annoying. My mom said I should. My mom and I never feel terribly welcome at my grandparents' holidays, not because of them but because of the other people. They never liked her because she was from Nashville and then there was the whole messy divorce thing a few years back, but since all her family is like 7 hours away, she still gets invited to things since my grandparents don't completely hate her. And I've always been the black sheep of the family in the worst ways. It's pretty much a recipe for disaster.
But the upside is, I do not give a single fuck what anyone in that backwater shithole thinks of me anymore because I will never return for any significant length of time. That place is nothing to me. I am looking for literally any excuse at all to stay in Boston for at least part of this summer, or be anywhere else at all. I wouldn't be able to take being in Mississippi for 3 months.
I'm sad because the guy sitting a few chairs away from me said he is flying to North Carolina, and I miss it there. My mom said that in a year or so, she plans to finally move there. Not to Greensboro, where we spent this past summer, though. She's decided on just outside of Asheville instead because her best friend lives there and she really loved it when she visited her there. But Asheville is cool too. And I think she's actually serious this time because she's looking for a job. I'm happy because then I can feel at peace when visiting her since I love North Carolina.