Uncertain's picture

Work is having a seriously detrimental impact on my quality of life. I was standing on the edge of my balcony, and I knew in a fit of anger I could've thrown myself over. Instead, I called my boyfriend, and I ended up yelling at him, which didn't help. That was almost the tipping point, but instead I took a deep breath and stepped away. I called him again, just so I had someone to talk to, somebody, anybody. I felt so vulnerable, and anyone who wanted to help me at that moment I just thought they were patronising me, irrational thoughts raced through my head and in a long time I wanted to take a knife and slice myself open. Again, I stopped myself, I just stood there, I talked to him, I was so defeated and angry, I wanted to make myself suffer so that it wasn't somebody else, and I stood there. I lit a cigarette and leaned over the edge, and as I glanced down I felt calm. I was talking to him, I didn't want to talk to anyone, I didn't want to tell anyone all these fucked up things I was feeling, but I did, and I said "Baby I just need to talk, or I'm going to hurt myself". I did not hear a single thing he said back to me. I stood there gazing into the distance making pretend conversation. Nothing was on my mind, nothing. I told him I was okay, and all I could feel was hopelessness. I locked myself in my room and I will sit here.


elph's picture

At least...

You allowed your innate good judgment to prevail!

Except... for that cigarette! :)

Wishing you a Merry Christmas and a Happy New Year!

jeff's picture


I know you are doing the overachieving Asian thing, but the truth for most is that work is something that sucks, that you do to make money to do things that don't suck.

If you happen to be the person who is inspired by the work you do and can avoid that drudgery, you're ahead of the game and I'd be envious. But for most, that amazing connection rarely happens.

Some people do get into a state where they can wall off all of the negative and seem very into things, but at some point you usually get them to spill on the real deal.

Of course, none of this should inspire suicidal romanticism. Everything about work is a choice you made and can unmake. If you had a shit job, you'd still be hot, curious about life, intelligent, and have a boyfriend. So, the important stuff shouldn't be killed off at the behest of the trivial bits.

Hope this delayed response finds you in a more positive place. Happy New Year!

"You don't know you're beautiful." - Harry Styles