december 25th - angel syndrome

angel syndrome's picture

it's christmas and i'm all alone with my mother's medicine cabinet
& it's not that i'm lonely just that
i don't know

am i ever going to fall in love again?
am i ever going to kiss someone for the first time again?
will my heart ever race again - "does he like me?"

and it's not that i don't love him, in his now-unbruised arms,
i just want to be a boy again, just once,
i want to be naive, shy, uncertain, again
i want to feel like
everything is the
first
time

(... and none of the drugs ever made me feel that)

i'm so sorry
i'm too small in front of this world and it keeps spinning faster

please let me off

i have choice and opportunity and yet i can't ever commit to anything
i can't find beauty in anything anymore, your world was so ugly
i'm sorry about your mother's tears and all those syringes
sorry i ever saw any of them
they left bruises without even touching me
in places i can't even see, i'm marked like
a stray cat you never neutered

'angel syndrome' just means that
i tried to bring you home, to heaven

i'm just sorry it made me so sick

Comments

jeff's picture

Hmm...

Hope you're having a great holiday... I'm just back from a weeklong cruise, a week back at my parents in PA, and tomorrow, a week in Texas....

There are always opportunities to experience life new, and with wonder, and experience new firsts, but over time, we tend to fall into patterns that make it less likely for that to happen spontaneously.

So, you can either change your patterns, or specifically line up new things to do, and they can also be new things you experience with your boyfriend.

Sounds like you took on a bit of a soul eater role as he got sober, putting his needs and well-being ahead of your own, which was noble and necessary. But you just need to sort of give yourself some attention to get back to where you want to be.

The upside is, when you're both at the end of that cycle, you're both new people in love, ready to face a new stage of your relationship.

Happy new year!

---
"You don't know you're beautiful." - Harry Styles