Watching a romance movie with the girl you like is weird, but in a good way.
I should probably back up and elaborate on that one a little. Well, it all started when I was studying for finals. I think two went reasonably okay, one was a crapshoot, and the other was just... um. I haven't gotten the results back yet, but I know my GPA is not going to be where I want it to be, so I'll just have to try harder next semester. On the bright side, next semester, I have to take a freshman writing seminar thing, which will be excellent for my GPA. It's sorted by topic too, and I picked the one with early 1900s European history because that's my favorite historical time period. Almost every assignment I've received an A or A- on here has been an essay. I can write you a damn good essay, but put a test in front of me, and I'll probably throw up and cry... (It also kind of helps that I know what studying is now. The bar was set so low in high school that I rarely ever did, and let me just tell you, that was one fucking awful wake-up call. But I think most of my problems actually stem from literally panicking in tests. Like, nausea, tears, all of it. I don't think that's normal at all, and I'm going to start seeing someone who can help me first thing when I get to school in January. I tried to get an appointment before finals, but I wasn't successful, so I'll have to make one when I get back from break.) But I was so overwhelmed because I was going to have four tests in the course of three days! And three were cumulative! I panic enough in a single non-cumulative midterm! So I was so, so, so anxious and awful for like the whole study period.
Monday night, after my disastrous macroeconomics final, I finally grew disgusted with myself. I said to myself, "Super Duck, you were the salutatorian of your high school class. Are you really afraid of stupid tests? No, this is pathetic. Why don't we do something REALLY scary?" So I grabbed my phone, clicked on Cute Blonde Girl's name, and told her to come celebrate the end of finals with me on Wednesday night by watching a Christmas movie. And she never replies to texts in a timely manner, so I knew I'd get to be all worried over something different for a while. Anything to get my mind off of tests and grades. But I felt so weird after I asked. Like I was doing something I wasn't supposed to do because I mean, that's just so not something I would do. There isn't anything inherently non-innocent about the request, but like... I feel like when I like someone, I'm supposed to just not do anything to get close to her and just cry about how pretty she is or something because that's how it's always been like, even though it's so counterproductive? But I feel like I'm not SUPPOSED to accomplish anything? Even though I've broken that "rule" a lot with her already, it just felt like wow, I can't do that.
After what seemed like a lifetime, the next morning on the way to my business ethics final, she replied and said she'd love to. And then I didn't panic in any of the rest of my tests, interestingly. Not even in fucking business ethics. Jesus Christ, I hated that class. And the final was stupid. One of the questions was what did our school's degrees say on them in 1920! That is something a guest lecturer offhandedly mentioned once. But how is that relevant to the class? Who the fuck would ever think to actually study something like that!? How does that question test my knowledge of ethical behavior? Oh, that's right. It DOESN'T. There were so many stupid questions on that test. I was so pissed and so was my roommate, who was also in that class. So I did a lot of guesswork, but I was feeling pretty lucky that day...
Anyway, so yeah, Cute Blonde Girl came over last night and stayed for about 4 hours, but it seemed like barely any time passed at all. I actually spent like half the entire day with her on Wednesday if you count our unsuccessful cramming session before the test, the test itself, and then that night. I told my roommate I was going to have a friend over, so she left us alone. (She's rarely here anyway, so it wasn't that big of a deal.) The first thing Cute Blonde Girl did when she got here was give me a Christmas present. I felt really bad because I didn't get her anything, but she said it was okay. But I don't think it's okay for me to not get her anything, so I guess I'll just have to get her something for the next holiday... which just so happens to be Valentine's Day, doesn't it... I should probably start planning that now. But the thing she got me was SO her, haha. I should have expected it 112%. She said that she knows my hometown is a dark, depressing place where there is no Starbucks, and she didn't want me to go 3 weeks without Starbucks, so she got me those little instant latte packet things. I think they're called Starbucks VIA. I said, "Aww, you’re so thoughtful. Come here," and I hugged her. Hugging her is so great because she's the same height as me, so she just fits perfectly in my arms and there's no awkwardness. I hugged her a lot last night. (And I may or may not have already cried after one day because I won't see her for 3 weeks... I'm so lame!)
Before we watched the movie, we just sat on my bed and talked for like 2 hours. First it was about finals and grades and stuff. The final for the class we had together wasn't so bad, but she said her other finals were so terrible. Going to a school that apparently has high grade deflation, we both really hate people who go to schools with grade inflation who brag about their 4.0s on Facebook. When I first met Cute Blonde Girl, she had originally said she wanted to someday go to med school, but last night she said she might be rethinking that because of the pressure it gives her to make only very high grades. I've quickly discovered that doing so is crazy difficult here, sometimes even due to factors you can't control. (Case in point: my macroeconomics class and its stupid grading policy.) She said she does the panicking in tests thing too sometimes. And then she asked me what I wanted to do after college. And I half-jokingly said, "Well, I'm thinking about maybe becoming the CEO of Starbucks someday," because I knew she'd get a kick out of that. Her eyes got really wide and she said, completely seriously, "Can I call you every day and ask for discounts? Like for real?" and I said, "Why don't I just get you your very own Starbucks?" and she gasped and yelled, "OH MY GOD, MY OWN PERSONAL STARBUCKS!? Please, you have to do it!" So now I probably have to actually do that, don't I? (The fact that she actually seems to think I am even capable of such a feat is so adorable that it absolutely melts my heart in a way I can't even begin to describe.)
Then she started asking me where on campus I'm going to live next year, or if I'd rather move off campus. I haven't really decided yet. I just know that if I stay on campus, I need a building with a quieter reputation, but I did check the numbers a while back, and it can actually be cheaper to live off campus if you share an apartment with someone because if you live on campus, you have to buy a crazily expensive meal plan. She said she needs to live off campus next year because she needs to get a husky dog and also because she finds other students really annoying. She has been talking about this hypothetical dog for quite a while now. She wants to take him on runs with her and dress him up in sweaters and love him forever and ever and ever. I once sent her a picture of a dog dressed as a Starbucks cup, and last night that's what she said she's gonna do to this dog. I said, "Why don't you just knit him a sweater with the Starbucks logo on it, and then you can have the best of both worlds?" and she freaked out because my plan was so genius and said that's exactly what she's going to do to him. I could honestly very easily see her doing this. (I would bet an incredibly large sum of money that she names the dog Starbucks, or at least something coffee-related. Her coffee addiction is THAT real.) She said I'm invited to come over and play with him any time, but then she paused for a moment, and I really was not expecting what she said next: "Actually, if you ever want to live off campus, let me know. We could totally share an apartment. And the dog, we could share him too! Oh, and bring one of your kitties from home. It'll be perfect."
We could share the dog???? It'll be perfect????
Why would she say this? Now I can't stop imagining it. It would indeed be perfect. But I think it also has the potential to end horribly... So maybe I really shouldn't do that. But it's probably the most appealing thing I have ever visualized. Like, ever. And I have visualized some incredibly appealing stuff over the course of my 19 years, such as an infinite bowl of mac and cheese. Mmm, mac and cheese. I'm flying back to Mississippi in the morning, and my mom said during winter break she would make me homemade mac and cheese. Yay mac and cheese for making Mississippi less shitty! But I digress.
Anyway, then Cute Blonde Girl spilled a little bit of the water she was drinking, and it got on her pants, and she said, "Oh, I'm so wet now..." and my gutter brain nearly fucking died. I had to look away and just breathe and collect my thoughts for a moment. It was actually worse than the time she said this one building with hot classrooms makes her want to take all her clothes off.
After that, we talked for a little while longer about some deep stuff and some dumb, goofy shit. I love making her laugh. It's the cutest. Then we finally decided to watch the movie. I let her choose from Netflix's Christmas offerings. She chose Love Actually because it's her favorite movie of all time. I kind of had a feeling she'd pick that one as soon as I saw it was a choice on Netflix because she's already mentioned several times that it's her favorite. We couldn't really find a comfortable position to lie down in and have both of us be able to see the laptop since the bed is so small, so we ended up sitting with our backs against the wall. But that got uncomfortable really fast so we took the pillows and put them between us and the wall. I let her have the good one that I sleep on, and I took the lumpy one that's just kind of there for no reason. And she cannot sit still! Like, at all! She must have shifted around 50 times over the course of the movie.
I had a hard time concentrating on the movie. It's not that I don't like the movie or anything, it's just that I'd rather watch her instead! I just think she's so beautiful.
We both were Pokemon masters as kids. We both wash our hands too much and panic in tests and have random anxiety issues in general, although she said she has mostly outgrown hers. We both think having many fuzzy animals is incredibly important. We both want to drink a lot of coffee and eat a lot of jellybeans. We both find ourselves super annoyed by like 99.9999% of people but hate conflict and "being mean" so we rarely do anything about it. We order pretty much the same thing at Starbucks, except she gets the healthier "skinny" version whereas I don't give a shit. When she can't sleep, she says she listens to soft Christmas music, and her favorite song for this purpose is Silent Night; when I was a little kid, I'd make my mom sing me Silent Night before bed. We even apparently both drive the same kind of car at home except mine's blue and hers is tan. I had no idea she even existed just 4 months ago, but now everything makes me think of her and I'm scared. It's so illogical and stupid because I have known this girl for literally a semester, just ONE semester, but it feels like forever and I just can't help it even though it's stupid. I don't know, I just feel really, really connected to her, and I can't fully explain this? I don't know, I'm just saying dumb stuff now, and I need to go to bed soon.
She had to leave after the movie was over because she had to be up early. But we already started making plans for stuff to do when we get back in January. And I said, "Wait, you can't leave yet... If I'm not gonna see you for like 3 weeks, then--" and before I could even finish my sentence she just laughed and said, "Yes, of course," and hugged me really tightly. And then she left, and I was instantly sad. After she left, I just kinda hugged my pillow for a minute since it had her on it... I'm so pathetic haha.