In the spring of 2012 we remodeled our small two bedroom house and finished the basement, turning it into a third bedroom with a full bath. By brother Hayden and I had outgrown our twin beds and there was no way two full size ones would have fit in that room. It was our Spring Break project, and a flip of a coin decided who would get the basement.
With more privacy, I was able to spent more time online researching gay stuff. I needed answers to some tough questions:
Why was I attracted to boys and not girls?
Why was I attracted to a girl that LOOKED like a boy?
And the toughest question of all...
What does a guy taste like?
In the privacy of my new room I could go online safely, and I found gay chat rooms. Now I mostly wish I hadn't ever discovered them, except for finding Luke, but that's for another journal.
I found myself surrounded with people I thought I could relate to, but they were mean to me from the beginning. I was told to get lost, to go play with my LEGO's, and other stuff. So much for gays being welcoming to other gays.
I went back, this time creating a profile that made me 18, a senior in high school in a big city far from me but in the same time zone. I was treated better, but always asked the same questions: Where do you live? How big's your dick? Pictures??? I was honest about that stuff, but wasn't expecting to find out about how I was supposed to be into "small penis humiliation" and "discipline" and "CBT". I felt disgusted when a "bear" told me I was now his "slave".
I don't know why, but I went back every night. I wanted to throw up when I heard about rimming and how all gay men were into it, and was grossed out beyond belief when I was told about how great barebacking and fisting is.
What I really noticed was that nobody ever talked about being in love with another guy, or having a relationship, or anything that didn't involve sex and gross sexual stuff.
One night I got a instant message from a older teen and he gave me the link to this site, and I stayed up late into the morning reading the journals here and feeling a sense of belonging for the first time. We became friends, and I had a real person I could talk to who didn't tell me disgusting stuff or talk about torture and pain.
Then one night I got a instant message from a slightly older teen, and his profile was from a nearby city. He told me he was gay, that he was scared, and that he wanted to chat with me sometime. He also wrote that I seemed "real" unlike the people in the chat rooms. Our first chat lasted 3 hours, and last summer we met for the first time.
His name is Luke, and he changed my life.
So has this site, and we have to save it.