Everything I Never Wanted To Know About Being Gay I Was Taught In Chat Rooms

Brady's picture

In the spring of 2012 we remodeled our small two bedroom house and finished the basement, turning it into a third bedroom with a full bath. By brother Hayden and I had outgrown our twin beds and there was no way two full size ones would have fit in that room. It was our Spring Break project, and a flip of a coin decided who would get the basement.

I won!

With more privacy, I was able to spent more time online researching gay stuff. I needed answers to some tough questions:

Why was I attracted to boys and not girls?

Why was I attracted to a girl that LOOKED like a boy?

And the toughest question of all...

What does a guy taste like?

In the privacy of my new room I could go online safely, and I found gay chat rooms. Now I mostly wish I hadn't ever discovered them, except for finding Luke, but that's for another journal.

I found myself surrounded with people I thought I could relate to, but they were mean to me from the beginning. I was told to get lost, to go play with my LEGO's, and other stuff. So much for gays being welcoming to other gays.

I went back, this time creating a profile that made me 18, a senior in high school in a big city far from me but in the same time zone. I was treated better, but always asked the same questions: Where do you live? How big's your dick? Pictures??? I was honest about that stuff, but wasn't expecting to find out about how I was supposed to be into "small penis humiliation" and "discipline" and "CBT". I felt disgusted when a "bear" told me I was now his "slave".

I don't know why, but I went back every night. I wanted to throw up when I heard about rimming and how all gay men were into it, and was grossed out beyond belief when I was told about how great barebacking and fisting is.

What I really noticed was that nobody ever talked about being in love with another guy, or having a relationship, or anything that didn't involve sex and gross sexual stuff.

One night I got a instant message from a older teen and he gave me the link to this site, and I stayed up late into the morning reading the journals here and feeling a sense of belonging for the first time. We became friends, and I had a real person I could talk to who didn't tell me disgusting stuff or talk about torture and pain.

Then one night I got a instant message from a slightly older teen, and his profile was from a nearby city. He told me he was gay, that he was scared, and that he wanted to chat with me sometime. He also wrote that I seemed "real" unlike the people in the chat rooms. Our first chat lasted 3 hours, and last summer we met for the first time.

His name is Luke, and he changed my life.

So has this site, and we have to save it.



jeff's picture


You're obviously not the first person to raise these concerns about chat rooms and such, and Oasis doesn't have one for similar reasons, but I guess I always fall back to two questions: 1) What did you expect in a roomful of anonymous men gathered because of a sexual similarity?, and 2) Why did you stay?

It's sort of like people who complain that chat roulette always has people showing their penis. Well, after the first few visits, you either need to: learn to enjoy random flashers of penises, shrug and ignore it, or admit you like seeing unexpected penises. Once something becomes a regular part of an experience, it's not like you can just walk it back and say, "I'd be OK with this site without all the penises," since you are constructing something that doesn't exist and using it as the baseline for what you expect. This seems only to be helpful if you run out of things in life to annoy you, a malady I've yet to experience.

So, by the time you learned all those other things, you'd already sorted out that it was a sexual site, with people interested in sexual things... so, why stay? This wasn't in the early 90s, there are tons of sites. You have Google and can find other places... that's the part I never get.

I'd just put the center of blame on you, rather than chat rooms, as far as why you learned these things and were bombarded with sexual information. It is like hating polka music, and planning a trip to Poland during a cultural festival. You can't complain you are encountering something if you decided on the itinerary that put you there.

Similarly, people who go to clubs and say people stared at them, bought them drinks, and grabbed them. Yes, it's a club, that is what happens there. I went to leather events in San Francisco, and found them silly, but I didn't wonder why people would like that or do such a thing. I went where that happened, didn't care for it, and left.

After the third person asks how big you penis is... the fourth one can't be much of a surprise. So, this seems more like "Everything I never wanted to know about being gay *I learned* in chat rooms." Let's make you more of an active participant in this... it's not like it was against your will. You were always one click away from leaving the room, but didn't.

"You don't know you're beautiful." - Harry Styles

DarkestValley's picture

Look I am probably the worst

Look I am probably the worst person to give advice on this topic seeings as I'm probably the only straight person on here, but I mean if one is exploring himself sexually and those are things he sees then those are things that he would expect to continue to see.

Also, I mean isn't it sort of like a dating site, where yeah there are a few people looking for a root and boot but that doesn't necessarily mean that everyone is looking for a root and boot. Just like chat roulette, sure you can expect to see a dick regularly but that's not how it's going to be every single time you go onto chat roulette.

Also obviously this whole forum and community, is for LGBT, exploring themselves and expressing themselves in an open forum and I understand your frustrations Jeff about the lack of active members and how it can have a negative implications, but this is such a great site. Sure it might limp around, but there are still people posting, there are still new members, just because now it's not as active as it once was doesn't mean it wont be more active in the future. Because people are still looking for that place that they can freely express themselves without having to hold back on what they say, and this place does that. It would be such a terrible shame to simply shut the site down. And it's hard to bring in new members, because people are hardly going to advertise it if they afraid of people knowing if they are gay or not.

I dont know what the answer is, but I would be quite disheartened if this site shut down, despite my infrequent appearance on here.

jeff's picture


I just think if you go to a club and hate the music, and keep going and keep hating the music, at some point the problem isn't the club, but that you keep going there when you don't like the scene.

I think a sporadically-visited support site is dangerous, since we're giving the illusion of something upon which we can't deliver. When someone recently mentioned suicide on here, some of his friends on Oasis didn't even see the post for a week, etc., so that is worrisome.

There are tons of people who are out on Tumblr, YouTube, Twitter, etc., completely anonymously. So, site members can easily spread the word.

Personally, I don't see the site continuing, but I wanted to give the site and its members time to save it, if that is the objective. I think people are thinking I'm cooking up ways to keep it running and I keep reinforcing that is not the case.

Nor do I think it is responsible to keep things limping along at their present level of activity.

It is legitimate that the site can be saved. If I wanted to shut it down, I wouldn't need such a long timetable.

"You don't know you're beautiful." - Harry Styles

Brady's picture

I just wanted to talk to someone

but I didn't think it would be like that, with all the gross sex stuff. It was a regular chat room, not one with cams set up. It was based in a big city in my state so I guess I thought I could trust the people more. I found by boyfriend Luke there so maybe it wasn't a total loss?

As for why I went back? I just wanted answers, that's all. Why I was thinking about other boys all the time, why I wanted to do stuff with a girl that looks like a boy. I didn't have any alternatives either. I couldn't ask anyone I knew personally about stuff like that.

I hear words like "faggot" and "queer" here all the time, along with every racial slur you can think of, so I'm not really in a good place am I?

This site is perfect for someone like me, seeking answers to tough questions in hopefully a safer place. I think maybe a key to Oasis continuing on is having some kind of teen advisory board or a well known gay You Tuber's promote this site. Think what one viral video could do? Just a thought.

I really do appreciate what you wrote Jeff, it gave me something to think about.


jeff's picture


But surely you knew there were other websites/chat rooms available, no?

I don't think any of the known gay YouTubers have any connection to Oasis. Usually gay YouTubers did all of their inquiring/coming out/community on YouTube, so it's pretty insular. Of course, if anyone knows anyone, feel free to hook us up...

"You don't know you're beautiful." - Harry Styles

anarchist's picture


You're a guy. Just taste yourself.

Perhaps We Should Leave's picture


But HIGHLY amusing. Brava. Bravo.

* * *

The woods are lovely, dark, and deep.
But I have promises to keep,
and miles to go before I sleep,
and miles to go before I sleep.

jeff's picture


And I forget just why I taste. Oh yeah, I guess it makes me smile...

"You don't know you're beautiful." - Harry Styles

lonewolf678's picture


I suggest stop going to gay chatrooms, they tend to be only for hookups and stuff like that. No emtional support or rainbows or ponies. I should know I've been to a few gay chatrooms, I didn't have expectations but I soon figured out it wasn't for me so I never went back. Glad to hear you heard about our site though!