I failed... :(

Yamamoto's picture

Well it seems that I failed at another thing in life, just like so many others. They found me before I died and I had to go to the hospital and treatment, and well like so many other times that I have been before, I faked my way through it the best I could. Pretending to be happy is easy, because they can't read your mind and frankly at this point there isn't any help they could have given me anyway. Luckily for me I was able to stay on the same meds I have before, because I know my psychiatrist really well. Though at this point they have added another disorder to my list of problems. I think it has something to do with the paranoia that I suffer from. I am not really sure at this point... and was hardly listening to what they said.

I just wanted to let you guys know that I am alive, and have decided that I have to get my pleasure from somewhere, and I am started to wonder if I may be psychotic or something, with as much pleasure as I get out of torturing my cat. Heck at least it something in my life that makes me smile. Her screams of pain and hisses are certainly the most amusing part. I degrees though, because I am certain if I continue I will only get a barrage of hate from people who will never understand, and never did understand. That is the problem with humans... absolutely no ability to understand... or to even show an ounce of kindness. Oh sure you guys are nice on this website, but it is simply the nice equivalent of the 'internet tough guy'. I am quite sure most of you would bully me offline, or simply ignore my very existence like everyone else.

All I ever wanted was a real friend, who wasn't going to treat me like a complete ass... or take advantage of me sexually or otherwise. Just another reason I stopped being around other guys like myself long ago. None of you can keep it in your pants for five seconds enough to get to know someone, and frankly the next guy that comes on to me has signed his death warrant. I will put my taekwondo to good use on him in a heart beat, and believe me my round house constantly break my Master's kicking bag, so you can believe that it will take your head off. I think it would probably feel pretty good, and I am not afraid of death so the cops wouldn't be able to take me alive either, but again I will degrees for the above reasons because from here on out it just becomes a rant that is my stream of conusiness.

I just wanted to let certain people know that I am still alive, but not doing well. Your well wishes worked, but only in keeping me alive... Which I really wish people would stop trying to do. My problems will only get worse until I actually hurt someone one day... and death is responsible choice for a faggot like myself. Before anyone says that I would create something good, or that life would be better... unless you consider a body trail to be good or that people's lives will be better because of having another psychopathic time bomb walking. Then frankly you are wrong...

Comments

jeff's picture

Well...

Glad to hear you failed... would be nice if after yet another attempt you proceeded with a new disposition, even if drug induced, but that might be too tall an order.

After every attempt you seem to come back like a thwarted Batman villain. "You may have curtailed my evil plot, and for this you must pay... pay, I say."

Why not wonder if you're meant to see it as some new opportunity to start over or something?

---
"You don't know you're beautiful." - Harry Styles

anarchist's picture

I've failed. more accurately. All of us, really.

This wasn't the first time I've failed to convince someone not to commit suicide. I'm glad I have another chance, though. Please read the advice I wrote you on your last journal. I really feel like your mind could change if you just allow nature to heal you. I know what misanthropy is like, and I have felt completely hopeless and hateful of social interaction before; accepting the spirits of the forest into my own has completely changed that every time, and I fully believe it has the potential to do the same to you, as long as you have no doubt and a completely open mind. You need to separate yourself from all other people and go into the woods. Trust the trees with all of your soul and you could be surprised what they will give you in return.

Perhaps We Should Leave's picture

...

I'm glad to hear you're alive. I was afraid.

All of your misanthropy and hatred... Well, I understand that. You probably don't believe me, but I do. And your desire to die is one that I struggle with on a daily basis. I'm never sure if my continuing to live is a mark of will or cowardice. I'm never sure if I should just give up. But... Sigh. I don't really want to see someone else in that same pain.

I'd like to recommend that you reexamine your idea of 'good' or 'beauty'. Perhaps you should define what you consider 'good' and 'beautiful' and focus your actions on that, as opposed to trying to live based on others' ideals. Just a thought. That may mean hurting other people, yes... but perhaps it might help you. Consider your aesthetics and live your life thusly.

As for being nice online, I rather think I'd try to help offline as well. :-/

As for hurting your cat, I understand that completely, believe it or not. If it makes you feel better, if it brings you an ounce of pleasure in life, then pray continue.

In any case... I really do care. I want you to know that. I'm sorry that I couldn't help enough before.

* * *

The woods are lovely, dark, and deep.
But I have promises to keep,
and miles to go before I sleep,
and miles to go before I sleep.

Yamamoto's picture

Sorry anarchist, but I have

Sorry anarchist, but I have tried things like that... and frankly spirituality to me has always been something outside my grasp. Even when I was willing to be open minded I never understood what everyone else seems to get out of it. I have always thought that maybe it was my mental problems just blocking off my ability to understand, or that people are just pretending. I mean it is something I want to understand, but don't.

Oh and Perhaps... I take every veiled death threat against my dear Alice as serious as though it was directed against me. So please don't encourage animal cruelty again in my presence. I said that I got pleasure from what I did... I never said that I liked that got that pleasure from it. In fact it only disturbs me and ends up adding to my distress...

Perhaps We Should Leave's picture

Oh,

I assure you that my comment was in no way a threat against your cat, nor a particular endorsement of animal cruelty. I've explained in more detail in my reply to your message, but in short I was simply endorsing anything that caused you to feel better. I personally find animal cruelty... distasteful, if not wholly wrong. Given that it adds to your distress, I recommend avoiding the action. I'm very sorry for the confusion, and I understand your anger.

* * *

The woods are lovely, dark, and deep.
But I have promises to keep,
and miles to go before I sleep,
and miles to go before I sleep.

anarchist's picture

I forgot to mention...

When I'm feeling like this, it sometimes helps to look at some gore online. It's an effective substitute for the real thing. I feel like you've tried it before, but if you haven't, do so.