It has been so long since I have had thoughts of just giving up and quitting running through my head, but now that is all that I have. Everything I do is just starting to seem so damn pointless at this point anyway, considering that I feel like I am getting no where. Having to get a job soon won't really help, because frankly money is really stupid, and I have never understood the appeal. I don't buy or own much anymore, and so I don't use it except on essentials and frankly I have no desire to get outside of that trend. I have also started training for my martial arts almost every day... and I do mean a lot. Yet even this is starting to just get boring, because I don't really like to exercise in the first place... I only do so because I want to get better at my chosen sport.
I mean I just feel so fucking lonely, and it is something I know I can't change. The idea of a relationship no longer even appeals to me, and friendships which I am starting to make are no curing my loneliness. For anyone who has heard me rant before knows that taking my focus off relationships is a big deal for me, and at first it was a healthy thing. I think that it still is, but it is more than that. To me at this point if I did find someone I liked and started dating them, I am pretty sure I would ruin the relationship on purpose just to fuck with the other person. Sort of my own twisted way of getting revenge at the fact that I can never be actually happy in a relationship. My desires for a relationship, while possible are unreasonable for my situation, and while I acknowledge this... I can tell you right now that I don't take anyone's shit anymore I am going to get revenge for the fact the world fucked me over in this way.
Frankly I have started to have suicidal thoughts again and I don't know why. I mean the medication I take is the only stuff that has worked for me, and so I know that it is not that since I have been taking them. I believe it is more the unfixable nature of my problem. If I am being vague about the problem it is because it really is something that is just unreasonable for someone like me. I am extremely paranoid of large groups of people, and no medication in the world can cure my version because it stems simply from the fact I don't trust people. So it means I am stuck here in this overly small town, which has everything I need except something to cure the fact I am so fucking lonely. Even if I had the money to move I would rather kill myself than do so, because I couldn't continue my training... and I would have to move somewhere near where there are too many people... Fuck it... I hate my life.