I give up...

Yamamoto's picture

It has been so long since I have had thoughts of just giving up and quitting running through my head, but now that is all that I have. Everything I do is just starting to seem so damn pointless at this point anyway, considering that I feel like I am getting no where. Having to get a job soon won't really help, because frankly money is really stupid, and I have never understood the appeal. I don't buy or own much anymore, and so I don't use it except on essentials and frankly I have no desire to get outside of that trend. I have also started training for my martial arts almost every day... and I do mean a lot. Yet even this is starting to just get boring, because I don't really like to exercise in the first place... I only do so because I want to get better at my chosen sport.

I mean I just feel so fucking lonely, and it is something I know I can't change. The idea of a relationship no longer even appeals to me, and friendships which I am starting to make are no curing my loneliness. For anyone who has heard me rant before knows that taking my focus off relationships is a big deal for me, and at first it was a healthy thing. I think that it still is, but it is more than that. To me at this point if I did find someone I liked and started dating them, I am pretty sure I would ruin the relationship on purpose just to fuck with the other person. Sort of my own twisted way of getting revenge at the fact that I can never be actually happy in a relationship. My desires for a relationship, while possible are unreasonable for my situation, and while I acknowledge this... I can tell you right now that I don't take anyone's shit anymore I am going to get revenge for the fact the world fucked me over in this way.

Frankly I have started to have suicidal thoughts again and I don't know why. I mean the medication I take is the only stuff that has worked for me, and so I know that it is not that since I have been taking them. I believe it is more the unfixable nature of my problem. If I am being vague about the problem it is because it really is something that is just unreasonable for someone like me. I am extremely paranoid of large groups of people, and no medication in the world can cure my version because it stems simply from the fact I don't trust people. So it means I am stuck here in this overly small town, which has everything I need except something to cure the fact I am so fucking lonely. Even if I had the money to move I would rather kill myself than do so, because I couldn't continue my training... and I would have to move somewhere near where there are too many people... Fuck it... I hate my life.

Comments

elph's picture

I feel your desperation...

You say that you're on medication that is helping... but just to an extent?

I'd strongly advise that you return to the professional who prescribed your meds and let him/her know the angst you're currently experiencing.

If this doctor is no longer available... please go to the largest nearby clinic or hospital and insist upon being directed to an appropriate specialist.

****

Are you covered by insurance either through family or the recently approved Affordable Care Act?

Wishing you all the best!

Yamamoto's picture

Elph... I am covered for my

Elph... I am covered for my meds my mom will pay for them weither or not I have insurance... she has promised me that. No I will never use the affordable care act... Simply on principle... just no.

-------------------------------------------

Elph my problem is very complex, and has to do with a mixture of depression and sexual fetishes that I will never be able to practice. Combine this with the fact that I am very lonely and want a relationship enough to settle... along with the fact I am then willing to abuse my partner in that relationship. The reason being that females are fools and gay males are all whores... the only beings that I really have any interest in as equals is my shemale fetish.. yes.... I know it is weird but the idea of women fucking me in the ass and saying humiliating things is the only thing that turns me on anymore. So yes I feel very lonely because I feel like I can never have a normal relationship anymore because my goals.

elph's picture

You've got to find...

a professional that can show you the path that'll lead to your making your dreams become reality! Insist on finding that help!

Giving up should not be an option!

Yamamoto's picture

I live in the middle of no

I live in the middle of no where... how in the fuck am I going to find help for this kind of shit out here. I don't make any money Elph, and I have no money for gas. This is not a problem my parents want to hear about so I can ask for gas money plus I have ask them before I see a professional about anything. This is for legal reasons because I am on my bio dads insurance and we have to force him to pay up every time I need something.

I am sorry, but I don't see not giving up as a realistic goal.

anarchist's picture

I disagree.

Giving up on dreams is the best way to avoid disappointment. Accepting that the majority of goals will never be accomplished is the only definite repellant of suicide.

Yamamoto's picture

I want to thank you guys for

I want to thank you guys for supporting me and stuff, but this is something that I have to do at this point. I just didn't anyone to worry, or to be unsure about why I am no longer around. I will try to make it as painless as possible for myself, and I have plenty of sleeping pills to do so. I just wanted to say good night and goodbye... I am committing suicide this afternoon before my parents get home. Any interference will only delay what I am going to do, because I have practice in past getting out the grips of the medical people at the hospitals. So it really only does more harm than good...

Perhaps We Should Leave's picture

Hm. A bit of advice, dear friend...

I find your methodology somewhat problematic. If your parents reach home earlier than expected, they may have time to get you to a hospital, and that's only part of the problem. All in all, pills are actually a terribly inefficient way to die; you will probably pass out before you take the necessary amount for death, you will probably vomit out much of it, and you will also wake up getting your stomach pumped (decidedly not fun). I heartily recommend rethinking your suicide. If it must be done (which it mustn't), it should be done in the most efficient, least painful manner as possible, for your own good. Please rethink committing suicide until such a time as you have the proper resources for a truly painless death.

That said, please continue reading if you desire to live.

I should also like to point out that it actually isn't something that must be done. I can guarantee you that oblivion will provide you no comfort. You will cease to exist, your consciousness forever ended, your body becoming nothing but meat. Your friends will mourn, your parents will mourn, and then they will move on. The world will be no better for your loss, nor shall it end. In the end, any reason for committing suicide is flawed; to end your pain (there will be no relief, only an end; know the difference), to make the world better (it will cause pain and trauma), or to inflict harm (your death will ultimately be meaningless).

I apologize if my message lacks warmth, or comfort, but it is obvious to me that you need no warmth or comfort. Your life needs not end. There is time for it to become better.

And in the end, I should like to point out that even though I would like to remain detached, it causes me great anguish to think of your death. Death is not a solution, it is merely a stop. There can be no death with dignity, there can be no benefit from it. If nothing else here has helped, then just grant me this: please, please do not kill yourself. You are a human being, you have the potential to see and create and be so many beautiful things. Please, please do not deny yourself that beauty.

If I'm too late, or this has failed, I'm sorry. I wish I could do more.

* * *

The woods are lovely, dark, and deep.
But I have promises to keep,
and miles to go before I sleep,
and miles to go before I sleep.

elph's picture

This is what needed saying!

I hope for Yamamoto's sake he's received your message!

Thank you.

anarchist's picture

This isn't entirely relevantl

but for the sake of our friend Yamamoto (if he is impossible to persuade), I'd just like to point out that the most painless death possible would be the respiration of helium. Attach a tube from a helium tank to a gas mask (opening the valve on the tank just enough to be able to comfortably breath and no more, at the risk of the lungs exploding), and suffocation will be entirely unnoticed and painless. It isn't exactly fast, but it's your best shot if you want something peaceful.

I'd personally prefer a leap to death, but for other reasons.

anarchist's picture

This is more relatable than expected.

I hate social interaction with most people, to the point that it is a fantasy of mine to live in an endless forest devoid of anybody other than myself.

But when I'm feeling suicidal, listening to suicidal music usually helps that mentality stop bothering me. try this song:

If you want, I could send you an album I made that has helped me get through similar thoughts. It's an extremely minimal and inaccessible album, though (to the point that I've never even shown it to another person, even though it's closer to me than anything else of my creation), so I don't know. For someone who could potentially benefit from it, though, I would be more than happy to upload it somewhere.

You might also want to consider taking a long, lonely walk through the forest. Let your mind freely explore as it pleases, and focus on the distant horizons. Trees have remarkable auras when you acknowledge them, so let yourself be greeted by the forest, keep an open mind, and the spirits will go to surprising lengths to heal you. They're extremely benevolent, and will help anyone who trusts them, so do not lose hope when you're with them.

Hopefully this was of some help to you. These methods always keep me from self-harm, anyway, even in the most hopeless mindsets.

Perhaps We Should Leave's picture

Hm.

Has anyone heard from Yamamoto?

I fear that he may have gone through with his plan. If anyone knows otherwise, please do let me know. It's... difficult to consider that we may have... failed.

* * *

The woods are lovely, dark, and deep.
But I have promises to keep,
and miles to go before I sleep,
and miles to go before I sleep.

jeff's picture

His Oasis usage...

tends to be sporadic, so hard to read into it, really...

His last post before this was in July.

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"You don't know you're beautiful." - Harry Styles