Sometimes I'm the worst.

Super Duck's picture

I have this one really hot professor. It's great. She's like in her early 30s, and her lectures so far are actually entertaining, and I am soooo excited about this one paper topic you can choose in April. Also, she wants to get to know everyone in the (huge) class on a first-name basis. In fact, she's so hot that I actually even sit in the front, and I'm considering going to her office hours next week and saying hi just for the hell of it. Everyone should get to have a hot professor.

Anyway, I really gotta learn how to shut up. While on break, I dared to complain to myself that I didn't like being on the other side of the country from Cute Blonde Girl, and the universe apparently heard me, so instead it decided why not the other side of the world? Yeah, she mentioned this week how she's thinking about maybe going abroad next semester... It's just a "maybe" at this point, since you have to apply for it and the applications aren't even due for like 2 more months, but still. I mean, I want her to get to go if she really wants to because I'm sure she'll have so much fun. But I can't help but kind of hope she decides on her own that she doesn't want to after all. I'm not gonna tell her that, though; I want her to do whatever makes her happiest. I don't want her to feel bad just because I'm a dumb little slave to my emotions. But you know what sucks ass without her? Basically everything ever except mac and cheese and Netflix, the two things in life that are always magical no matter what. Please no one ever somehow find out who she is and tell her what I'm about to say, or else I'm a dead woman, but if she goes, I'll probably switch to Dunkin Donuts that semester because going to Starbucks without her will be too much. Dunkin Donuts!

At least it solves the "should I live with her" dilemma, though, right? Or delays it, anyway. And next semester, I have a required class I'm really not looking forward to, so I guess it'll give me more time to focus on not failing that... assuming I spend most of the mornings I'd normally spend with her instead doing something productive rather than lying in bed listening to Brand New. A semester seems to go by really fast, though, which is good. I mean, a semester is only like 3 months, so it's not that much, but I also can't see her at all during the summer because we live on opposite sides of the country, so that like doubles it, plus time goes by twice as slowly in Mississippi! I think winter break felt about as long as the entire semester.

Some good stuff could happen next semester, though. One of my best friends from high school (actually from before then, it's been like 7 years) applied to transfer to three colleges, one of which is my school and one is another Boston school I told her about that focuses solely on her major, so it would be nice if she decides to go to one of them. Oh, and it's the friend who actually believes I'm gay, not the one who still refuses to believe it. (That one is perfectly happy in Mississippi.) Maybe the high school friend and I could live together if she comes to Boston; that way, I wouldn't be with strangers or with friends I'm not that close to, and also she would understand if I was ever sad because she knows about everything. I think things next semester would be a lot better if my friend came here, so I'm looking forward to that possibility.

It's stupid and irrational, but I'm scared that if Cute Blonde Girl goes away for a semester, she'll forget about me. I know logically that she won't because it's not like I'm going to stop talking to her while she's gone, although time zones are gonna be a bitch. And is the girl who jumps straight into my arms the second she sees me after coming back from winter break really going to completely forget I exist over the course of a few months anyway? (Seriously, she wanted hugs before I could even get in the Starbucks line... It was awesome.) The girl who answers with no less than ten yesses and a smiley face when I ask her if she wants to hang out?

I don't know why I would automatically jump to this conclusion that she will forget me over the course of a few months. That is very stupid. I mean, I haven't seen my friend I mentioned earlier since June, and we didn't forget each other. But it has also been brought to my attention that since she and I are a lot alike and we both worry about things, maybe she could worryI'll forget about her, especially when she finds out that someone who's been my friend for 7 years might come here.

I didn't really think about it the day she mentioned she might go. I mean, I wasn't really doing a lot of thinking that day anyway since she kept hugging me and being so excited to see me and telling me about what she did over the break. She told me all about this weird aunt she has, and then about how she's the happiest girl in the universe because she got an espresso machine and also a blender so now she can have espresso AND smoothies any time she wants, and then she said we have to make smoothies together, which made her also suddenly decide that she thinks she can go vegan for a month because she got really into almond milk over break, and then she said she really wants to go dog sledding in Canada or Alaska or something but her parents are scared she might steal all the dogs. She also said that she hopes one day I can come to Seattle so she can take me to the very first Starbucks. I think that sounds incredibly perfect. I picked her up a couple of little presents over the break, so I gave them to her, and she was so excited! All she could say for the longest time was "awww" and "oh goodness" and she couldn't stop smiling and she grabbed me and hugged me and it was so great. I made her that happy! Wow!

So, yeah, I really didn't even think about the situation at hand at all until the next day. I was by myself and doing some econ homework when that one little "what if" popped into my head, and now I can't stop thinking about it. Like, my heart dropped down into my stomach, and my next thought after that was, "Oh shit, oh no, no." And I just realized that I haven't obsessively worried about being too stupid to raise my GPA in two whole days. That's... refreshing, I guess. Although I'm not entirely sure if "What if she forgets me?" is really that much more comforting than "I'm so stupid." I mean, I at least had control over the GPA thing, but I obviously can't control what someone else does or thinks. I've talked to her or at least snapchatted her (she begged and begged me to get snapchat and I don't even really understand the point of it but of course I complied) every day since I've been back in Boston, but I've only gotten to see her once since we've been back, the day she mentioned it, so I haven't actually seen her since I started to think of this. We had made tentative plans for this morning, but that ended up not happening because of some stuff she had to do, and we haven't rescheduled yet. I'm scared I'll unintentionally be weird the next time I see her.

When I think about everything, the whole situation is so weird to me. Not the her possibly spending a semester away thing, but like, the whole thing with her in general. Like, I meet this girl literally my second day of college in some random elective class, and for a couple weeks I'm too scared to talk to her, so everything is normal. But then, out of the thousands of people at school and the hundreds of thousands of people in the city, I run into her in Starbucks and then the next day somehow manage to ask her if she wants to go together sometime, and then, from the very first time I actually sit down and have a real conversation with her, it's like I've known her forever. Why? That's so weird and illogical. It's weird because I've known her for probably like 4 months, but I feel like she is a closer and better friend than many of my friends I've had for several years. (Well, a lot of my friends don't seem to respect me much.) On the list of people who are good friends, I'd probably rank her above pretty much everyone except the friend who might move here. And when I'm with her, it's like the whole rest of the world doesn't exist. Like, freaking Amber Heard could walk into the room naked with a check for a million dollars with my name on it, and chances are I wouldn't even notice because I only care about the way Cute Blonde Girl holds her coffee cup.

I often find myself wishing I could just go back to that night at the end of last semester when I invited her over after finals, and we just sat on my bed and talked and watched a movie. That was so perfect. I guess there's nothing necessarily stopping me from inviting her over to do that again, but her schedule is really weird so I don't know if she'd be able to accept. Not during the week, of course, since she said she has organic chemistry two nights a week, but surely she's got a free Saturday night sometime?

I can't believe I ever even gave a shit about FCG or her hot cousin or even that one cute girl who used to help me in science class in 8th grade or any of those girls in Mississippi. Like, all of that is so unbelievably stupid to me now. I mean, it's technically the same, but also it's like comparing apples to oranges? I don't know, the whole thing is just weird, I guess. I don't know why it's like this. In concept, it seems just as pointlessly stupid as anything else. By any conceivable stretch of the imagination, everything I'm trying to say is stupid. A little blonde girl who wants to put sweaters on dogs has changed my whole fucking universe in almost no time at all. That sounds so ridiculous, but I just don't know any other way to put it. What did The Killers say? "And it's a great big world; she's just another girl"?

But she's not. Not to me.

Comments

jeff's picture

Well...

This does circle back around to you never telling her how you actually feel about her. In her reality, there is nothing holding her back. And in actual reality, there is nothing holding her back. So you can't blame her for making life decisions based on the information you've given her.

Again, it is easier to write 300 words here than say "I have a crush on you" in real life. But those six words can change reality. These 300 can't.

Why try to think back to perfect moments in the past, rather than try to build perfection into your future?

She gave you an easy opening. All you had to say was "But if you go, I can't keep delay telling you how much I want to kiss you."

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"You don't know you're beautiful." - Harry Styles

Super Duck's picture

Well, let's be real here,

Well, let's be real here, I'm probably never going to tell any girl how I feel. Ever. That requires a level of courage I will most likely never attain, hence the "pointlessness" and "stupidity" of my words/feelings. Six months ago the idea was to never develop feelings ever again since doing so only ever upsets me, but as we can see, the universe had other plans. I don't blame her for wanting to see another country for a few months; doing that would be super cool.

I can't just say that. I've never actually expected to ever really have a girlfriend, to be honest, because I'm such a mess. And I would probably be a really terrible girlfriend because I'm so... god I don't even know, neurotic? and I wouldn't want to stupidly break up with her and ruin everything.

Most of the time I just wish I could take a pill to forget every emotion...

Super Duck's picture

Wow this comment sounds

Wow this comment sounds weird, I'm sorry. I was just really freaking out when I wrote it.

jeff's picture

Well...

Good to hear there's a side of you that can recognize how crazy that sounded. I do fear which one is present when such opportunities arise, though...

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"You don't know you're beautiful." - Harry Styles

Super Duck's picture

Well, both, kind of. I do

Well, both, kind of. I do think I'm kind of fundamentally a huge mess and therefore should probably not have a girlfriend, and I do really wish I wouldn't form attachments and, well, feel things in general, because doing so seems to generally just spell disaster, but I also know that not doing this is not possible because it's human nature. I wouldn't say no if she made a move even though I don't think I should be allowed to have a girlfriend but I just really, really, really don't know how I could ever force myself to tell her about it or do anything. (Not just her, but any girl.) Like, even just imagining it is terrifying to me.

elph's picture

Stop putting yourself down...

You --- out of all Oasies™ --- don't deserve it! :)

jeff's picture

Easy...

Just send her a link to your journal here. ;-)

---
"You don't know you're beautiful." - Harry Styles

anarchist's picture

This.

This is exactly how I feel.

I had a good year of trying hard to block off any intimate thoughts of anyone I knew, but that just had to fail. And now I'm upset about being an introverted shut-in again.