Brady's picture

This time I want to write about my best friend Tanner, our friendship, and the secrets I keep from him.

I've known Tanner my whole life, and he's just a few weeks older than me, and our families have a even longer history spanning several generations. We've always done stuff together: Scouts, sports, and even sex. I'll write about that later in this journal.

When were were in grade school his father died after being in a really bad accident, and I was there for him, holding him while he cried and just helping him cope with a loss I would soon be able to relate to when my mom split. I saw Tanner at his worst, put up with his silence as we hung together, and helped him try to control his anger than often gets the best of him.

There's best friends, and then there's Tanner and I. I've hugged him more than anyone else, but that's something we do in private, except when we play baseball and one of us hits a homer. We give each other real hugs, ones you feel for days. Tanner's a big guy, or as people here like to say, corn fed. He's a bit fat but super strong and he'll even admit that he has a wide butt. He doesn't know that I'd love to make friends with his butt either, and I love looking at it.

Like my brother and I, Tanner left the hospital unaltered, and when my friend Jake showed me how to slide the skin back to wash it I taught Tanner how to do the same thing, something his father would have showed him if he was still around. That led to me to secret sessions with my pants down, manipulating the skin back and forth until the amazing sensation hit me.

Naturally I showed Tanner how to do that, and he upped the game by showing me his secret method of kneeling in front of the bed and sliding it in between the box spring and mattress, "practicing" making love to an imaginary girl. We've done that a bunch of times, and it's not the porn we look at that gets me excited it's seeing him thrust his bare butt in and out, but I can't tell him that.

I've done this with some of my other friends, all under the promise of secrecy, but the real secret is that I've tasted the milk of five of my friends, drunk from the cups we squirted in to avoid making a mess while having shootoffs watching porn. It happens a lot here in Nowhereville, just something to do to pass the time and relieve our urges. Tanner's is the best, but you probably knew I'd say that.

I'm almost 100% sure that he's straight, but he's done and said things that make me wonder, like mooning me a few inches from my eyes or telling me that I'm probably better than a girl. When I called him out on that one he took his time giving an answer, saying after a while that I'd put out sooner than a girl would. If he only knew how right he is!

I would love to tell Tanner that I'd do whatever he wanted...that I'd be better than a girl...that I've sniffed his undies more than the panties girls give me that I hang on my bed like trophies...but I can't. I also can't tell him that I've used a candle in my butt pretending it was him, or that all of the wet dreams ever I've had have been from dreaming about him...For now the hugs and shoulder rubs we give each other has to do, but I want...no...I NEED more.

No, I have to settle for being the perfect son, the popular jock, and model Boy Scout and student, the object of so many girl's desires. Occasional sips of warm milk from a forbidden source tastes great but doesn't quench my thirst or my desire for The One I Can't Have, and dammit that is so hard to deal with sometimes.

I'm not alone in feeling that way, and being here and writing about it is at least giving me some comfort. I know this one was a bit strange, but I appreciate anyone who took the time to read or comment on it.



swimmerguy's picture

Sometimes I wonder...

if I missed out on an essential part of boyhood.
To tell the truth, I played doctor a few times with my friends, but that's really it. No real mutual masturbation, no "hey dude let me show you this" sorta thing...
No, now that I think of it, I did have that bit of an awkward wank-fest with a friend at Boy Scout camp, nearly forgotten about that.
But then nothing til later camp romps with a guy who is, actually, very hot, but not really the type of person I would normally have for a friend. Nor is he particularly smart, which worries me; I'm afraid he might be sleeping around unsafely the year round, so that's a whole nest of hornets I'd rather not whack.
That and the seemingly constant stream of guys, all Asian, who find out I'm gay (sorta an open secret I make no attempt to conceal but hardly anyone bothers to find out) then seemingly beg to be hit on, but don't really respond in any meaningful way. I mean, my cards are all on the table, is there a point to this?

But I have, honestly, not really tasted a single person's cum, not even my own, because to tell you the truth the thought of my own disgusts me more than does the thought of other people's.

And about the comments that make you wonder:
Trust me, virtually every guy has some measure of homoerotic or homoromantic feelings. Guys, no matter how straight, if bonded closely enough emotionally, could probably fuck on purely emotional grounds, if they were being totally honest with each other.
Guys do things all the time, like the homoerotic jokes, that I think there's a bit more behind than just hilarity. More so is when this guy, who just happens to be stunning, like absolutely beautiful, piles on to the regular hugs I have with another friend, he usually ends up with his face right next to mine, and honestly, I don't think it's completely innocent and I wish he wouldn't, because I really have to work to keep myself from just finding out how those lips taste.

anarchist's picture

I wonder what it's like to actually be desired like that.

Looking like a homeless person doesn't really help the amount of people who'd be willing to do anything beyond the plutonic with me, and my social anxiety crushes what remains. So consider yourself lucky, since you apparently look normal enough for enough people to care.