I again want to thank everyone for their great comments, and I appreciate this site more each time I come here. I wish I didn't have to sneak on here to write stuff, but that how it has to be for now.
I want to write about some things that happened to me a few years ago that I think opened my mind up me to becoming gay, or at least cracked the door open a tiny bit.
After my mom left us it was tough, dad was used to working and mom taking care of us and the house and then suddenly she was gone. I know for a while we were staying at friend's houses after school, but the clearest memory I have is the summer Jake watched us. That was a really good time, and he wasn't a babysitter to us, he was more like a big brother.
I was eight and my brother Hayden was seven, and Jake was fourteen. We knew him from Scouts because his mom involved with Cub Scouts and he would help out with our meetings and everyone liked him. Hayden and I were beyond excited when we found out that he would be watching us that summer, and I'm sure he was happy to have a summer job.
With Jake around it was non stop action, which is a good way to describe my brother and I. We would all have breakfast with dad and Jake would tell us that day's plans, which was usually playing ball or fishing, and once dad left the fun began. We also did the housework mom would have done, and we teamed up to do the laundry and cook dinner, which dad wanted ready when he walked in the door after work. Before Jake left for the day Hayden and I would always give him a big hug.
In the summer my brother and I never have a shirt on, unless we have to, and I liked looking at Jake when he was shirtless, so much that I'd get this funny feeling when I did. I especially liked seeing the few hairs he had under his arms, and I remember asking him about it. I think he said something like when you have hair there you're becoming a man? What I really loved was when he'd put his arms around us and pull us close to him. He was a only child so I guess we were like little brothers to him?
Jake did other stuff with us too, things a mom would do, like give us regular buzz cuts and supervise our baths before dad came home. We weren't too good at washing ourselves, and if Jake wasn't there we would have smelled bad all the time! He would wash our hair and backs and we would wash the rest, just in case anyone was wondering.
Hayden and I, like most of the boys here, left the hospital after we were born without any alterations, but our dad wasn't so lucky. Jake showed us things about our body that our dad wasn't able to, and I think dad asked him to do that.
One day when I was supposed to be taking a nap I saw Jake in the bathroom, sitting on the toilet with his eyes closed, moving his hand back and forth and watched until I found out why he put a towel on the floor in front of him. I didn't really understand what he was doing until I tried it that night in bed, and it became my secret thing. I thought about his body when I was doing it that first time, and even sometimes when I do it now.
After that summer Jake would sometimes watch us, but once I was ten dad would let Hayden and I stay at home by ourselves or be with our friends. Jake would sometimes do things with us, and we still think of him as a friend. When I became a Boy Scout he put the neckerchief and slide on me at the ceremony and told me how proud he was of me. Before he left for college he took Hayden and I fishing, but we did more hugging than anything else. That night I cried myself to sleep.
I'm not sure how Jake would feel about me if he knew I was gay, but as my dad always says, you never forget you first love.