Well then

anarchist's picture

My strategy of trying to find spots in the hall for conversation is not working, since I haven't spoken to the OG since Monday. So I'm going to need to find something else. I just don't know what. And I'm getting lost, and worried that the only person I can actually be around without being reminded of the flaws in humanity is vanishing. I'm lonely and my misanthropy is growing. Swans is helping a bit, for now.

In other news, I watched They Live, and I was pretty disappointed, but it was still an alright movie. Just very naïve and simplistic in its criticism of capitalist society (especially the end that just gave up trying to be a metaphor and stopped explaining anything), and it was incredibly cheesy during about half of the running time. It was good for the '80s, though, so that's almost saying something.

I also listened to a few good albums that I had been planning on listening to for a while. I was not disappointed.


anarchist's picture

I'm happy for the first time in weeks.

I had some success today, and found an ideal and reliable spot to meet in the hall. So my mood went from absolutely fucking depressed to happy and positive in just about a minute. (I do still miss the memories of when I got to spend a whole period near him, though.)

Ironically the song I was listening to was "I Won't Ever Be Happy Again".

Anyway, that isn't the point I'm trying to express. My reason for writing this is that I realized something, the reason why I never did get much desire for a personal relationship with this guy: contrary to my previous guesses, I do not feel any form of love for this person. It's turned out to be much more abstract than that. This sudden shift in emotion and outlook on the current situation helped me figure out that I'm actually in love with is the state of mind that I recently discovered another person can bring me to. It seems that I can no longer explore my mind alone the way I could just last month; that's over and done. But maybe I'm finally ready to explore with someone else. I had never even considered that before, but it seems possible now. And it's strange how much internal impact a specific person can have on me. I don't know why my mind started doing this, but it's simultaneously euphoric and terrifying.

Maybe this is some derivative of love, I don't know. But it isn't quite like before.

elph's picture

You're at the age of many "discoveries"

Many emotions arise in your teen years... but sorting them out and making sense of them can be quite confusing. If you find that this is a subject shared by your friend, talk it out with him. But it might be a good idea if these discussions would make up only a small part of your overall time together: books, music, sports, concerts, movies, politics, play...

In time you'll discover whether it is love, friendship... or something else.

Good luck!

anarchist's picture

Books... politics...

I didn't know you had such a good sense of humor.

Anyway, though the Neutral Milk Hotel concert last night cheered me up, during the encore I was standing right behind a young gay couple, so that made me slightly lonely. But I was also listening to Ghost, so I didn't care.

I don't know how much time will be spent together, though, because I've only gotten two conversations in one week, both of which were probably shorter than one minute.

elph's picture


I was assuming you do read for enjoyment... but, could be mistaken.

Why don't you take a look at Hugh Howey's series: Wool, Shift, Dust (should be read in this sequence).

So... from where you were standing, I hope you were encouraged by what can be. Believe me, it will/can happen!


Just completed a couple hours of grueling PT; hopefully home next Wednesday!

anarchist's picture

I do read for enjoyment.

But how to you turn that into a social activity? Reading is something that's meant to be done alone, with the company of only one's own mind and the author's.

Anyway, I hope you're right.

elph's picture

Maybe not the best idea...

but I was thinking of discussing the books you've read and liked. Other activities could substitute.

My object was for you to find additional shared likes that would help serve to keep your hoped-for eventual friendship alive.

It's conceivable that you could become FBs... but if you want the relationship to last it really should be based on much more than lust. (And... I'm not denigrating this... it can be a great ancillary if mutually shared as equals).

anarchist's picture

I don't know if he reads.

He mostly does sports (swimming and kayaking), and I enjoy playing with him. But those always require full teams, and can't really be done with just two people. And he listens to a lot of music I enjoy (like Soundgarden, Radiohead, Silverchair, and Derek & the Dominos). Again, he's said that he'd like to be able to play guitar, which could be a common interest.

Also, what is FBs?

elph's picture

OK... Go for that!

Just find activities that you both enjoy; "books" was nothing but "a shot."

anarchist's picture

Or maybe

we could go walking around this 7 mile lake trail nearby. Both of us have been around it before, and it's a pleasant place with trees and the kind acceptance of nature.

anarchist's picture

I had a lovely dream last night.

It was quite a disappointment when I awoke. Not a surprise, though.