Winter break is so boring. I hate it.

Super Duck's picture

It's funny because Mississippi is the Hospitality State, but I have not had a particularly warm reception on my visit. During Thanksgiving break, I didn't notice it because I didn't have time to go to a lot of places, but pretty much everyone I've encountered outside of high school friends and immediate family has been... ass-y. A few nights after I got back from Boston, my mom and sister and I went to a pizza place for dinner, and someone my mom knew was there. Her son went to high school with me but graduated a year or two before I did. Upon finding out that I live in Boston now, she kept saying all this stuff about how much she would just hate to live there and making so many negative comments. Thanks, I don't give a shit. And none of the extended family on my dad's side wants anything to do with me when I see them, but it's fine because I never liked them much anyway. A lot of people around here tend to be pretty insular and don't like when "outsiders" visit, especially northeastern "outsiders." I guess I must qualify now.

I spent a day with two friends from high school recently. Well, one wasn't really my friend until the very end of high school, but it was still nice to see him, especially since he goes to NYU, so he gets missing the energy of a city. The culture shock of Boston vs. rural Mississippi is really hard for me. There's everything in Boston and nothing at all here. I really wish they didn't kick you out of the dorms over breaks because then I'd probably just come back from Christmas to New Years. None of this 3 weeks bullshit.

Anyway, before we invited the NYU guy along, it was just me and my one friend who always refused to believe I'm gay. I've said it to her for god knows how long, and each time, she either ignored what I said or treated it as a joke. I thought I finally got it through her head when I told her and another friend about Cute Blonde Girl back in September because she ignored all my messages for like 2 weeks and then acted normal again, so I assumed she processed the information and then decided to come around. I mean, that seems pretty logical, right? But I assumed wrong because when we were at lunch together, she started talking about getting me a guy! What the fuck! I just looked at her blankly and said, "Umm, where have you been?"

Not that many people take me seriously. It's a little bit depressing. I get a lot of dismissive reactions, but willful ignorance is by far the most irritating, I think.

So, anyway, my mom and sister and I went to Baton Rouge for a few days. It's a lot better than just sitting in Mississippi, staring out my window, but unfortunately we're back now... Actually getting Starbucks there was nice too. But my sister was insufferable for the entire trip. Everything makes her whine and cry and scream, and it's so exhausting. I'm so glad I don't live at home anymore. I'd go insane. She's a month away from 11, so she's at pretty much the worst age. For an example of this behavior, we went to California Pizza Kitchen, and my mom told the waiter what my sister had said she wanted, and as soon as he left, my sister began to scream and make a scene, saying, "MOOOOOM! YOU EMBARRASSED ME IN FRONT OF THE CUTE WAITER! STOOOOOP IT, I'M NOT A BABY ANYMORE!" And she threw a fit at me because I went over to my cousin's house to have a drink. If he invites me over to his house to have a drink and watch some It's Always Sunny on his giant flatscreen, then I'm going to do just that! I haven't seen him in like 2 years, and now he has a house, so I had to go check it out! My sister wasn't even supposed to find out, but she was being nosy. I don't drink very often, and when I do, it's never in front of her, but if she hears about anyone drinking, even either of our parents, she throws a giant fit, screaming stuff like, "I DON'T WANT ANYONE TO DRINK ANY ALCOHOL BECAUSE I DON'T WANT TO DRINK ANY WHEN I'M OLDER!"

I'm really ready to go back to Boston. I go back on the 14th. It's driving me crazy here. I sleep most of the day and then I get sad for a while, eat either almost nothing or way too much, and then the cycle repeats each day unless I have plans. In that case, all of that happens after I get back home. I know that I should eat properly and wake up before noon, but I just can't make myself. I need to go back to Boston; I can't handle it here. There's nothing to do and nowhere to go and everything just looks so lonely and empty all the time. I also can't wait to get back to Boston so I can see Cute Blonde Girl again. (My original thought was that I can't wait to hug her again, but actually I talked to her a couple days ago and she mentioned that she's been having back issues lately, so I guess on second thought I should probably refrain from hugging the shit out of her!) I miss her so much I can't stand it. The phone is just not an acceptable substitute. Oh, I felt bad about not getting her a Christmas present, so I picked up a couple of little things that reminded me of her. I hope she likes them.

But even though I'm ready for break to be over, I hate it when people ask me if I'm doing well in school. Everyone has been asking me. I said no the first time, but then they wanted an elaboration that I did not care to give because I feel like it's worse if I physically speak it, so now I just say yes, because really, from an objective standpoint, I haven't been doing that badly. After all, I didn't even make any C's. But 3.1 is not "doing well" when you're required to get 3.2. And last night I found out that my grandma has been telling people that I made straight A's in school when really I only made one A, which was technically an A- anyway. That fills me with an odd sense of uneasiness, and I'm not sure why.

I know all the stuff I did wrong in my first semester. For one, I've never been good at asking for help when I actually need it because I feel like I should be above it. But if I hadn't sucked up my pride and asked the business ethics professor what to do about the final, then I would have studied all the wrong stuff. Also, taking notes that weren't stupid probably would have helped. It took me until like November to start taking semi-decent notes, and I'm still not entirely sure how to or how you study them afterward. I never needed notes in high school, not even in my AP history classes. I've been reading a few guides, though. (Guess I've been studying how to study! Hahaha!) And last but not least, waiting until you have something intelligent to contribute in a class that requires participation is apparently ineffective, and you should say whatever pops into your brain to get points instead, but don't take it too far by being that girl who says "fuck" in class when she tries to argue her point because the professor does not appreciate that level of enthusiasm. (I sat by that girl. She was very opinionated.) I'm also going to look into getting some professional help with that high level of anxiety I always seem to experience, especially when it comes to tests.

I told Cute Blonde Girl about my New Years resolution to make better grades, so now I actually have to do it. Well, I have to do it anyway, but every time I tell her I'm going to do something, I feel a compulsion to actually do whatever it is I said to her that I was going to do. I'm too ashamed to tell her the details, though, because, I mean, who falls .1 below their requirement!? So all she knows is that I want to improve my GPA. I wish I had her kind of attitude. She's so sweet and positive, and she loves school. I've always hated school, and unfortunately, I think I probably always will, but it's not as bad when she's encouraging me. It's dumb and cheesy and you're all totally free to laugh at me for saying this, but this girl, she's like... my sunshine? Like, she just makes everything seem a little warmer and brighter, and also being so far away from her when we aren't at school seems really dark. I don't know. It made sense in my head.

I actually hadn't been worrying about my GPA for a little while until I found out my grandma was saying that stuff, and then I guess she just set it off again. I know it kind of seems like I'm overreacting since, after all, I'm only .1 behind what I need for the whole year, and I didn't really make any truly shitty grades in spite of my nonexistent study skills. I mean, if I made a 3.1 after not having any study skills for most of the semester, then surely if I maximize my potential, I can do better. I wish I could stop obsessing since there is nothing I can do about it for a week. I was fine until I was set off again, and now I've been obsessing ever since. But I've always been horrible at calming myself down.


jeff's picture


If her back bothers her, maybe a nice, warm, oily back massage would do the trick? >:-) (btw, bring the oil, that way she has to take her shirt off, heh).

"You don't know you're beautiful." - Harry Styles

Super Duck's picture

Haha, I'm not gonna lie and

Haha, I'm not gonna lie and say it didn't immediately cross my mind when she said she's having back issues...

Brady's picture

I live in the middle of the

I live in the middle of the country in a small rural town, and if you're not from here you're not welcome here. If you're not white, you don't belong here.

Try to imagine being gay here?

I understand how you feel, and I love your journals : )


Super Duck's picture

Yep, that's a pretty good

Yep, that's a pretty good description of my hometown too. My mom and I have both had a hard time here, although interestingly my little sister has done okay. My mom isn't that welcome because she moved here from Nashville and is still basically an "outsider" after 20 years, and I never fit in because I've hated, and I really do mean absolutely hated, the whole culture here for as long as I can remember. I do complain about college a lot, but finally moving away to a major city has been very liberating!

And thank you! :)

swimmerguy's picture

It's been a while

But your journal, like always, was very entertaining.
I was going to ask if you and Cute Blond Girl were like, total scissor-sisters now, but from Jeff's comment it makes it seem like you haven't yet made the moves. Not that I'm any love guru, I have my own issues, so here, I'll make a pact with you.
By the end of this month, if I schedule a date with guy I'm 99.997% sure is gay, will you make the moves on this girl in the same timeframe? It sounds like you can't let her get away.

Super Duck's picture

Haha, nope, we're not at

Haha, nope, we're not at that level (yet?). And I don't know... I'm going to have a lot on my plate this month. I don't know if I'd be able to handle the additional anxiety coming from asking Cute Blonde Girl on a real date! I'm thinking about getting her a Valentines Day present, though. My mom said I should, but nothing too explicitly romantic or weird. But that's technically next month, and it's not really putting moves on her. I don't know. I don't think I could handle that stress right now. I mean, I'm already having nightly crying sessions about my GPA and the semester hasn't even started yet...