i was so impressed at the way you listened to me. classical apathetic argument between us, you stayed silent and i placed words out like setting the table for a large family dinner, inviting you to sit down for a bit. you told me honestly you wanted to leave.
i gave you all the information i could to salvage your frayed mind and left you in peace
i never had any hope for you. i gave up. i was ready for silence and awkward and breakups, your usual, your speciality. i was not prepared when you messaged me 4 hours later, chipper and pleasant like long lost friends reuniting. i was not prepared for love. i was not prepared for your genuine laughs, your sweet nicknames, your efforts to improve (you texted me today during school, something you knew i was wanting but allowing you to avoid because you were uncomfortable doing so). i am noticing your improvements. your effort. you are excited again, for me, enthusiastic about my valentines day presents being shipped to my door.
but i can't help but be wary. i know what happens when apathy knocks at the door and your parents say bad words about me behind my back. i know what happens when you start doubting, when that seed begins to grow in your heart, and you forget who i am and who you are and who we are. and i know if it would make you happy, that we would be the right thing together for as long as we could be. you have spent so much time and so many great days pining over me, 4 long years of love and just 1 year of relationship. it is not your emotions i worry about losing, but your decision to give up, your work ethic. you do not value 'us' as much as i do, someone with little stability and constantly changing friend group. you don't seem to value the nights i encourage you to cry and release the emotions you so desperately hide around others.
i wish you could love me comfortably and securely and confidently. there would be no anxiety in my fluttering heart and no doubt in my mind and no lack of trust. it is not the fear of arguments or the stress of this relationship that cause me panicked nights and shaking muscles, but the fear that i'm wasting my time and plenty of money yet again to kiss lips that only pretend to leak truths into me and hands that don't know how much strength they exert on my heart. i am not a ragdoll to be thrown around and played with in the name of love- i deserve more