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Dracofangxxx's picture

i was so impressed at the way you listened to me. classical apathetic argument between us, you stayed silent and i placed words out like setting the table for a large family dinner, inviting you to sit down for a bit. you told me honestly you wanted to leave.

i gave you all the information i could to salvage your frayed mind and left you in peace

i never had any hope for you. i gave up. i was ready for silence and awkward and breakups, your usual, your speciality. i was not prepared when you messaged me 4 hours later, chipper and pleasant like long lost friends reuniting. i was not prepared for love. i was not prepared for your genuine laughs, your sweet nicknames, your efforts to improve (you texted me today during school, something you knew i was wanting but allowing you to avoid because you were uncomfortable doing so). i am noticing your improvements. your effort. you are excited again, for me, enthusiastic about my valentines day presents being shipped to my door.

but i can't help but be wary. i know what happens when apathy knocks at the door and your parents say bad words about me behind my back. i know what happens when you start doubting, when that seed begins to grow in your heart, and you forget who i am and who you are and who we are. and i know if it would make you happy, that we would be the right thing together for as long as we could be. you have spent so much time and so many great days pining over me, 4 long years of love and just 1 year of relationship. it is not your emotions i worry about losing, but your decision to give up, your work ethic. you do not value 'us' as much as i do, someone with little stability and constantly changing friend group. you don't seem to value the nights i encourage you to cry and release the emotions you so desperately hide around others.

i wish you could love me comfortably and securely and confidently. there would be no anxiety in my fluttering heart and no doubt in my mind and no lack of trust. it is not the fear of arguments or the stress of this relationship that cause me panicked nights and shaking muscles, but the fear that i'm wasting my time and plenty of money yet again to kiss lips that only pretend to leak truths into me and hands that don't know how much strength they exert on my heart. i am not a ragdoll to be thrown around and played with in the name of love- i deserve more

Comments

elph's picture

You've expressed yourself so well!

And... I'm well aware that that is not the response you were hoping for. :(

I acknowledge that it brings little comfort to you to know that some else thinks he/she "feels" (or, has felt) your emotional torment...

The best that I dare offer is to suggest that you focus more intently on school and the development of other social outlets.

You are hurting... and I dearly wish I could offer more.

Dracofangxxx's picture

i have no other social outlets

i'm an A student. i work hard enough. i have no friends. my family doesn't appreciate me and i've been told i make them depressed.

it's not that i'm obsessed with boyfriends it's that i succeed in life in every outlet but people and there's no point anymore. i traded all hs fun activities and memories for educaton. i've drained myself of childhood. and nobody appreciates it and nobody likes me and what's the point of working hard if you're treated like crap and not cared about and not appreciated

the only thing i have are relationships or 2 close friends, and when they all fail me... ih ave nothing
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Perhaps We Should Leave's picture

Love is... difficult, yea?

Love is... difficult, yea? It's not something that comes easily, once tainted by bitterness and distrust.

My personal advice, from a thousand-foot view, is that perhaps you may wish to let this one go. I know that it's not a brilliant response, nor an easy thing to do... but from personal experience (experience I have had all-too-recently) this sort of pain can last years, and the longer you stay, the more difficult it will be to let go. The pain can last, the pain can scar. I was lucky in my case; I had a true lover to help me from my older one after years of doubt, then loss, then confusion. I can only offer from my experience, and from what little I know. But I have loved someone who seems to have had the same issues as your beloved... and it is very difficult.

I wish I could do more, aye? But I can't, really. You have no reason to trust my experience, but I hope you'll take my advice in consideration, at the very least.

My love,
Greer

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“HATE. LET ME TELL YOU HOW MUCH I'VE COME TO HATE YOU SINCE I BEGAN TO LIVE." - AM