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Dracofangxxx's picture

you replied to one text before i got home around 4:00, i had 20 tulips packed in a box on my bed and you were right, i cried when i saw them
(not for the reason you wanted)

you nearly broke up with me on valentine's day, i had to convince you that i was worth it
but i've seen the mistake etched in your words, i've seen the shift of your actions, and maybe, just
maybe,
i can trust you this time

we both know that you don't get this way because of true apathy, oh no- 4 years of being best friends and you loving me the entire time, it'd be foolish to explain away the apathy with that

i've seen the way you recognize you've hurt me and made a mistake, and you crawl away to hide, ashamed of your actions, and while i know it's easier to push the eject button for a few days, you always also crawl back, missing me

i know you get lost. i know. when i'm upset you help and say sweet things, but when you become upset, you become a child; i must lift you in my strong arms and cradle you in my maternal bosom, wiping your tears with gentle brushes of my knuckles

nobody is perfect and the mentally unstable are deserving of love. how can i expect you to cradle my sobs and kiss my scars and brush your hands over my rashy body and hold my hair back when i shiver and vomit my anxiety away? you said once, i remember, when i cut too badly, that you'd clean up after me if you were there- i had set down my toilet paper, the blood soaked into the bleached white grout and refused to scrub out. you assisted me in my panicked and dizzied state with cleaning my clues, my partner in crime, and insisted i bundle myself up in the coziest blankets, snuggle down, and watch a movie with you until i felt okay again.

this is why i do not mind when you are not you, when you need taking care of, being mothered. i look at you and i know i must treat you the way you treat me when i become unstable, because love is a two way street and intentions are key. you know you are doing wrong, you know you're hurting me, and that's why you run away- you aren't apathetic, you care too much and worry too much when i am here with open arms and forgiveness

the mistakes are never bad. the responses to the mistakes are. but here you are texting me while i'm at school and sending me beautiful goodnights and telling me i make you happy, that my caretaking is appreciated and effective, that i am worth it and i matter, and i remember why i love you and i know you remember why you love me

we spend nights dissecting your behaviours, your own personal psychologist. i should get paid for what i do but your love is enough, we have fun and are intimate best friends. there aren't secrets. this is meant to be

30 days left till i see you again

Comments

elph's picture

Why 30 days?

You're analyzing every event... I guess we all do it. But, you should realize that the "verdict" is a product of your own fears/wishes... and you could just as easily be wrong as being right!

Actually... I have no idea where the facts lie. But... I do wish you the very best outcome!