How can I get out of the closet?

DevilKisses's picture

I'm stuck in the closet because I'm still kind of questioning. I've been trying to get out of the questioning phase since I was fourteen. I am almost eighteen now.

I tried to come out as gay when I was fourteen, but no one believed me. That made me very confused so I started identifying as bi.

I came out as bi and people were more willing to believe that. I regret coming of as bi because I don't really think I'm bi anymore. I think a lot of my "attraction" to guys was just anxiety.

I'm also naturally flirty, so I often flirt with guys without meaning to. I kind of enjoy flirting with guys, but I don't enjoy actual relationships or kissing.

I'm sick of being in the closet. I know that my sexuality is no ones business. I just feel so trapped. I kind of just want to be gay and 100% sure of it because that would make things way simpler.

anarchist's picture

It doesn't have to matter.

Sexual orientations are just labels that humans use to generalize one another, and it causes only discrimination and hatred. If you feel it difficult to label yourself, that's because it's unnatural to label yourself and you shouldn't give in to what people tell you to do. It's best not to identify with a sexual orientation, since they're very new constructs compared to the human species. In the good old days, those terms didn't exist, and they shouldn't today.

jeff's picture

I guess...

My question is why someone believing your sexual orientation affects whether or not you came out. If you come out as gay, people can believe you or not, but that shouldn't affect whether you feel as though you're gay. You shouldn't have to backpedal based on their feedback and say, "OK, I'm really bi..." Not to mention, no one is really going to be shocked if you go from bi to gay anyway, so not a huge leap back at this point.

As for "Sexuality is no one's business," that's not really true. Your "sex life" is no one's business. But who you are attracted to, date, and love is a pretty normal thing for people in your life/community to know. I mean, even at jobs, people have pictures of their family, wear wedding rings, etc. Are they making a big show of their sexuality? Not really.

"You don't know you're beautiful." - Harry Styles

Perhaps We Should Leave's picture


I've come out of the closet six maybe seven times.
You don't have to be sure. It doesn't really matter.
Tell people how you feel. Don't worry if it's wrong a year later.
Sexuality is fluid anyways.
Jeff's right, as usual.

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Yamamoto's picture

Actually Jeff is wrong on

Actually Jeff is wrong on one count... Sexuality is no ones business unless you want to fucking make it someone else's business. I don't have to make anything that I do when it comes to dating or anything else like that anyone else's business.

anarchist's picture

I agree.

It really isn't relevant to anyone else. Only people who identify as anything other than heterosexual make such a big deal out of the trends prevalent in the people they fall in love with.

jeff's picture


You never see heterosexuals putting notices in the newspaper that they are getting married, or wear rings every day, or put pictures of their families on their desks at work... it's only the gays.

"You don't know you're beautiful." - Harry Styles

anarchist's picture

You know that isn't what I'm referencing.

Please don't turn this into an argument again.

Perhaps We Should Leave's picture

It may not be...

But I believe he was making clear your misinterpretation of his words. What he was saying was pretty flat-out irrelevant to Yama's comment, given that he never said anyone had to make it someone's business, merely that it was fairly common to make it clear via the methods mentioned.

So while it may not be what you were referencing, it was what he was talking about in the first place, vis-a-vis the bizarrely hostile comment by Yama.

So yeah... I hate to be rude, but... you're kinda the one making these things argumentative, as opposed to Jeff's generally good-natured ribbing.

But of course, this is the internet, so I'm helping exactly nothing by saying anything. Meh.... never stopped me before.

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jeff's picture


I have no clue what either of you are talking about, except it is being presented as a contrary view to mine. To be fair, even without quite understanding it, it is a safe bet it is contrary.

That said, it is perpetually confusing that the two people on whose journals I specifically don't comment, and to whose comments on other people's journals I don't even reply, always challenge my responses elsewhere and then twist it around that I am trying to start arguments with them.

"You don't know you're beautiful." - Harry Styles

swimmerguy's picture

Boy, this is fun

Hehe, this is actually pretty funny in a very bitter way: a new member makes a post, which then degenerates quickly into an unrelated, tangential pseudo-argument and then falls into under use.

To the writer of this post, should you ever come back here after that:
First of all, this site right now might not be the best place to vent any problems you may be having, if you can't tell. If you want to inject some life into it, I think we'd all be okay with that.
My personal opinion: tell other people, or don't, whatever you feel like. That's what I do. I'm sorta out, my Facebook page will say, to whoever cares to look, that I am a male interested in men, though I don't know if I or many of my love-interests quite count as men yet.
Sometimes I hear snippets, and it surprises me: how much people talk about my sexuality when they think I can't hear, without ever asking me. I haven't had a single person ask me about it in years, but sometimes I hear people talking about it.
Not that I really care. I'm pretty secure in my gender, which is male, and pretty secure in the gender to which I have romantic and sexual attractions, which is the same as above.

If anyone really wants to know I'll tell them, but I don't really feel the need to tell anyone anything by force if they don't want to believe me or don't want to hear it.
For you, when you say you're sick of being in the closet, here's frankly what I predict: you'll put a lot of emotional capital into coming out, and you'll do it, and then no one much will care, or they won't believe you or whatever, and you'll feel really anti-climactic.
I would suggest not stressing about it.

the ghost's picture

Stop thinking start doing

I think that you should not over think it and spending time worrying about the label you are going to choose to live your life. Just live and do what you are happy with and comfortable with.

I spent a lot of time worrying am I gay, bi, straight and to be honest I really regret that time in my life, because it was the time when my peers gay and straight were just out living life, having new experiences etc. Please don't put living off for trying to feel comfortable with a label.

Cheesy, cliché, and difficult as it is, be yourself and everything else will slot into place.

Coming out is something you ultimately will spend your life doing anyways. I came out to a few friends, then my family. I don't feel the need to tell everyone I ever meet, but if I am actually starting to form some sort of bond or friendship with them it usually comes up naturally and I just tell them.

This is really rambly but I hope it helps.

No one can make you feel inferior without your consent-Eleanor Roosevelt