Perhaps from the beginning it was destined to fail; He was a drug dealer and I was a church-goer.
However I believe for me or anyone to label him as a bad person as the cause of the failure of a relationship would indeed be a misconception as it simply it is untrue. Jake is an amazing person.
Whilst I accept his unlawful actions such as, being a drug dealer, a thief and having no motivation whatsoever to get a job, this in itself had no bearing on the relationship. Because despite these misdemeanours he is the most amazing person I have ever come to known. He is caring, shy, loving and sweet in every meaning of the words, which obviously conflicts with the notion of conceited drug dealers. He continuously displayed his caring nature such as when I got bitten by a dog in Bali, he would dress my wound every day and wash it and clean it and when I couldn’t afford to accompany him to Bali to celebrate his birthday with his family, he purchased me a ticket. When things got difficult for me at home he would let me stay at his house, sometimes for weeks on end.
He would put up with my constant moody outburst and abuse predominately caused from PMS, which in itself makes him worthy of a medal, yet he still stood by my and not once pressured me into having sex with him. Furthermore he would always cheer me up if I’d had a rough day at work or a fight with a friend, and a day with him would never be short of a laugh or a smile..
We shared an amazing friendship; we embedded each other within our hearts and became a part of one another’s lives and families. I began to unravel a future with him, and honestly pictured us living our lives together, travelling the world, getting married and having children, despite our obvious differences.
The picture and future I had once hoped for is now a distant memory that is tainted , and thus the relationship failed but indeed I have become a stronger person for it by understanding the reasons.
Two years ago when I first began seeing Jake, I was rather uncertain about our future together and when the opportunity arose to go visit a Spirit Exhibition that was in town, I went and against my Christian religious beliefs I got my first ever tarot reading, and the first card that came out was a Tower. “Which represents: Disaster, upheaval, sudden change, revelation. The Tower itself represents ambitions built on false premises. When contemplating the tower meaning ask yourself the following questions, what am I pretending about? Am I living in an ivory tower of illusion living under false pretences?
Perhaps me and Jake ignored our intuition and went against fate. In any case, when I left Jake in Bali and came home by myself I got my second tarot reading and out of 78 Tarot Cards in a deck, what card comes out first? The Tower.
Perhaps this signified that the whole two years I was with him was a complete and utter waste of time, perhaps I was indeed lying to myself and ignoring the obvious, perhaps I wanted Jake to change, and him getting a tattoo symbolized his rebellion and defiance would always be a part of him and no one would ever be able to change that. The most important aspect of the failed relationship would be my lack of respect for him, since I think he is quite dense and we would never be able to sustain any intelligent conversation despite how great we get along. I think the most important foundation in a successful relationship should always be respect for one another, and perhaps my disrespect for him indeed was entrenched from the drug dealing, so perhaps it was an issue after all. And lastly, morality, with different beliefs and different values it should have indeed been a clear indication we were never going to succeed, as I know now they are more important than what I had first thought in the beginning.
In conclusion: We got along great, he was an amazing person but I can’t be with someone I don’t respect or share the same values with.
So now two years later I am finally ready to face the Tower Card, embrace the change and breathe in the future even though it means letting go of the one I love.
“If we don’t change, we don’t grow and if we don’t grow we aren’t really living.”