Sailor Song... My prayer to Shamash

anarchist's picture

I didn't really speak to Yakow today. Aside from a few seconds of a quick chat that I got in before he lost interest and began talking to someone else who showed up out of nowhere. It seems like he's trying to avoid me for some reason, so I've been doing the same. I'll likely keep it up for the rest of the week, and if he shows up at my house on Saturday, that may change. If not, I guess my friendship with him is done. And I won't even know why. And I have nobody to give me company except Ween and my own mind, and neither of those are even around anymore.

Comments

jeff's picture

I doubt...

I doubt I have anything comforting to say since it seems like you are too much of a passenger in this relationship.

So many questions and no answers leads me to wonder how much of this you've asked him. It is one thing if he doesn't reply, but entirely another if you aren't asking him these things. Your avoidance of him is purposeful, his avoidance of you is perceptional.

And this is just the friendship part. If you can't even discuss your Saturday plans with him in advance, aside from wondering if he'll show up, then it seems far less likely you're going to start talking sexuality and romantic interest. ;-)

Did I miss why you're a seeming spectator in your own life, and most of his faults are him not being psychic?

(Admittedly not the smoothest re-entry to my replying to you again, heh, but I can't control what is happening and my response to it.)
---
"You don't know you're beautiful." - Harry Styles

anarchist's picture

I haven't confronted him about this, obviously.

I don't want to put him on the spot; that would be rude with anyone, and it would produce no sincere answer. It would also make me seem creepy and clingy, which would be an awkward and unfavorable situation for me. He just seems more interested in other people out of nowhere. He's been less involved in conversations with me, and he's been paying much more attention to other people than to me. Yesterday, I started talking about something with him, and out of nowhere, he started talking about it to someone else who didn't even say anything, for no reason. I've been seeing less of him. This may or may not be intentional, I'll have to give it more time to figure out.

I have discussed the Saturday plans. He said he's going to visit me for my birthday after I invited him, and he's seemed really excited about it whenever it was discussed. But something seemed to have changed pretty drastically after Monday. He's been acting differently these last two days.

And in case you haven't noticed, I've always been a spectator in my life. I never act on my desires because I have an introverted personality. I've been trying to change that but it takes a long time.

jeff's picture

Well...

"And in case you haven't noticed, I've always been a spectator in my life. I never act on my desires because I have an introverted personality. I've been trying to change that but it takes a long time."

As someone who has delayed things in life again and again, I can tell you that "it's a process," "it's an evolution," and "it takes a while," etc., etc., are typically just stall tactics. Procrastination masking as progress.

Just because I've noticed you do that doesn't mean I'm going to play along and say that is a good thing, or to take baby steps, etc., etc. I think routine is reinforced, and abrupt force is required to change it.

I've claimed to be making progress on my novel for years and years, but it's typically been bullshit. The times when it has advanced are pockets when I worked on it furiously, daily, and passionately. The times in between, nothing happened. Every so often, I try to write for 20 minutes today, and 30 minutes tomorrow, etc., but that was never how things worked when they changed. It turned on a dime. The question is how to stay in that zone when it returns, and just picking a day to dive in.

---
"You don't know you're beautiful." - Harry Styles

anarchist's picture

I know all this from experience.

But it seems irrelevant to the situation right now. What are you implying I do? He's already supposed to be coming to my house on Saturday, and that was what you were criticizing in the first place.

jeff's picture

My original reply...

questioned why you haven't asked him anything, or just mentioned "See you Saturday," or anything else. In regards to:

"It seems like he's trying to avoid me for some reason, so I've been doing the same. I'll likely keep it up for the rest of the week, and if he shows up at my house on Saturday, that may change. If not, I guess my friendship with him is done. And I won't even know why."

Why does all this have to be games and mystery? Ask him. Talk.

---
"You don't know you're beautiful." - Harry Styles

anarchist's picture

How exactly would I phrase that question

without sounding weird? It seems weird to directly confront him about my jealousy of the attention he gives his friends.

And I have been talking to him about Saturday. Every day except today.

jeff's picture

Well...

Then there's probably nothing to it, sounds like he's committed to coming over if it's been an ongoing conversation.

What is the gameplan for Saturday? What are you two meant to do? If there is some plan that could be refined further that would be easy enough. Otherwise, it's in two days, just let it happen...

As for being jealous, I wouldn't go into that. That's probably just you overly focusing on things. There's seemingly no correlation between him talking to other people and him coming over Saturday.

---
"You don't know you're beautiful." - Harry Styles

anarchist's picture

Maybe I was overreacting.

I took your advice and talked to him some more, and he was just like he always is, and asked me to stay at his lunch again (an offer which I was happy to take). So I don't know why he seemed so different on Tuesday. I guess I'm just hypersensitive to any strange patterns that are the slightest bit different from normal days. He's excited about the birthday festival, it seems. He even located my street when we were looking on Google Earth and talking about where we live, so he's likely been preping. So yeah, I was probably focusing too much on his actions and, as always, blowing them up to absurd sizes.

tl;dr things are back to normal

We don't have any activities specifically planned out, since I'm not one of those people who has to schedule everything. I decided that with at least two cool people definitely coming, we can probably manage to entertain ourselves. I am planning on teaching Yakow a couple of Radiohead songs on guitar, which may go well since they're really fucking easy. (But he's also never played a musical instrument, either so we'll see.) Everything else we've planned out is just inside jokes that shouldn't be posted here due to their containment of specific keywords that may lead here.

elph's picture

On being hypersensitive...

When one becomes infatuated (and that definitely is what you are!)... your reaction to his every action will tend to be overly analytical.

I am well aware of the "butterflies" and "uncertainties" he's able to generate in you! It's all part of being a teen who's discovered that there's someone who makes you feel ecstatic!

I just hope that all turns out well... but please realize that it could just as easily not!

I hope your birthday bash is a great success... my fingers are firmly crossed!

anarchist's picture

It isn't much of a "bash".

I've been calling it a "low pressure birthday chillout fesitval" because that's basically what it is. I'll be allowing anyone who comes, which is probably going to be under five people, and we'll be spending the whole time just relaxing and doing low-stress things like playing and listening to music, and maybe going outside if the weather will allow it.