My life is standing still while I try to reconcile my past with my present. Who am I? I cannot be defined by what happened to me- but how do I come to terms with it? How can I? The more I try to confront it and face it, the more it hurts. I know it gets worse before it gets better, and I have to push through- but when the pain starts to get unbearable, it's damned easy to forget that.
It's all so strange, sometimes. Sometimes I look around and I feel like everything around me is just some vast illusion. Sometimes I wonder if anyone else is real. More often, I wonder if I am real.
There is obviously no such thing as morality. It's a stupid, vapid construct designed only to impose order on something that has no order (human behavior). That's not to say it isn't damnably useful; sometimes shaping the thoughts of a people is incredibly effective. If you want to get something done, convince people that what you want is morally right and anything you don't want is wrong. Naturally, it's most effective with promise of reward. Obviously not every person is capable of thinking- or, even if capable, willing to think- on their own terms: to construct a 'morality' of their own. Perhaps the most kind thing to do is provide one for them. When one has tired of trying to lead one's fellows out of the cave, could it be that the best possible action then becomes to direct the shadows on the wall to suit one's own purposes? If the people in shadow are happiest there, perhaps that is their place.
Yes, that could be interpreted as elitist, but is elitism so wrong? The world needs its garbage collectors, so is it wrong to allow the non-elite folk to believe that they need not rise above their station? Why encourage a man to become something he cannot, and thus introduce unease into his mind? If they are well taken care of, I see no reason to see this as cruel.
Perhaps I ought to direct the shadows instead of force others into the light, when they don't wish to see it?
I see that the world needs a change. I see that there is too much pain. I see I must do something. I'll find a way to make at least a small change. I'll see if I can make something of this pain that pervades every moment of my life. Perhaps I can use it to make people see what I need them to see. Perhaps I'll be able to make it so that at least a few people will avoid this, too?
Ooh that just got loud. Wonder why. Time to sleep, though. Nighty night, and remember, the pain you're feeling is just God reminding you how much he loves you! or something like that