That would be every moment ...

Erin...'s picture

I fell in love with her ever since i met her in college. I tried to tell her so many times but i was so scared so i tried to turn this love into a friendship thing. And i thought i did. After college, i heard she had some serious relationships but nothing flourished, then, she went to on the other side of the world to work. I never got the chance to see her again but she sends me casual emails and private messages from time to time, she said just to keep in touch. I don't want to answer her... i don't want to keep in touch. I don't want to remember her. I don't know why but i feel i had a grudge on her for leaving me without a word.

I, on the other hand, got married and had a child. I had everything...good job and a loving family... nice circle of friends. I was already very happy with my blessings in life.

Until one day i decided to send her a private message saying that we should catch up. This pm became something profound that i found myself trashing all my grudges to her and so was she. Until she asked me that unlikely question - "Am I right to believe that our friendship was never platonic?" I denied it - "I was never gay and never will be.", i quote myself. Although at that time i wanted to tell her how much i love her and i wanted her so much in my life. This was two years ago. We actually became friends again through emails/chats/phone calls. But it was so hard for me to pretend anymore so i send her a message one day saying that - i can't be her friend anymore. no explanations. She asked me why but i never answered back. I finally let her go ... for good. Saddest part of my life.

And now here i am, feeling so ruined. I feel that there is this part of me that has become so angry with my own self for that decision i made. I asked myself if i really love her -- and in my head i said -- That would be every moment.

I don't really want to fall in love with her. I just really want to be her friend but this feeling keeps growing ... getting deeper. And i can't let this happen. I still love my family. But right now...in this moment...i think of only her.

Somebody ... please help me.

Comments

anarchist's picture

This is more complicated than what this site usually gets.

It sounds like you've made the wrong decision in keeping the truth from your friend. In my opinion, you shouldn't settle for the path you've chosen to take. You can never be happy deceiving yourself like you've been doing. The best option I see is to go with whom you feel you'd really be happy with. If you don't see a way to be happy with the life you're living, there is no point in trying to make it work for yourself. Not only are you inhibiting yourself, but you're also lying to your family in trying to act like you have the happiest possible life. You chose this life because it seems easier, when it will only get more difficult, and the longer you continue, the more you will want to break free. But as this desire builds up, so does your attachment and perceived impossibility to leave for the better option. I recommend getting back in touch with your friend and telling her the absolute truth, as you have in the journal. I believe you are aware that this is the only thing you can do. It will not be easy, but it has to be done if you want these feelings to end.

But that's just my opinion; the advice of a stranger. Take it or leave it, or reread it until you discover what you really want.

jeff's picture

Well...

I'm not sure of the timeline here, as far as how long it's been since college, obviously long enough for you to get married and have kids, which could be a few years, more than a decade, who knows...

I also can't tell if she was openly gay, but you just never admitted you were into her that way? Also, you mention you were in love with her, but was it mutual? Do you think she wanted you?

Barring those missing details, I'd say that giving power to secrets only makes them grow stronger. So, all of the wishing for it to go away, etc., etc., obviously never works (you've already proved that much). Not to mention, you're in a relationship anyway... and, as long as you're bisexual and in love with your husband, then all of these what-ifs from the past don't matter. Now, if you're really lesbian but chose the expected, safe route, then sure, there's a potential problem...

You also have to consider the other part of this (and again, this could be missing from your journal), which is that your wondering if you would have been this amazing couple is contingent on her wanting to be in a relationship with you. You had a friendship, and she sorted out that it may have been more than that under the surface, but I'm not seeing where this is some amazing romance that has been burning discreetly all these years.

So, I think it is safe to tell her where you were at then in your life, in college, and that there was a chance it could have happened. That doesn't mean you're throwing open the doors to leave your husband and purse your sapphic joys with her. I mean, sure, my life would have been very easy if the people I was romantically interested in also wanted me. We were both gay, friends, but that doesn't mean that spark was there.

You can be honest about your past AND honest about your present without violating your friendship with her OR your marriage to your man.

Where it gets tricky is if your marriage is some lie and you really want to be with women, and always have wanted that...

---
"You don't know you're beautiful." - Harry Styles

Erin...'s picture

Thanks

In one of her emails two years ago, she wrote (confided) something like ... she felt she was falling for me way back in college, that was why she decided to keep her distance. She said she was ashamed to have felt that way for me. but along that lines, she also said she was so confused with what she felt and confused with me, my ways of showing my affection towards her and that i must be sending her these signals but she was afraid to confront me...and that she didn't want to know what i truly feel for her.

After she graduated, she would visit me once in a while. And even when i graduated and started working, she would visit me in my office. she said that she had this struggle for a long time but she really wanted to keep our friendship that was why she decided to keep in touch once in a while. But i was kind a cold to her because i didn't understand why she kept coming in and out of my life that way she did. Until she worked abroad. She said that she learned i got married and had a child through our common friends. She said that she felt so wrong for her to ever think that what we felt for each other was more that friendship and that she was so sorry she went away because of that.

This realization brought her to fall in love with someone else, a man whom she referred to as her true love. That her love for this man made her realize that she was never in love with me after all and that it was just a feeling that i was giving her which was why she struggled for it for so long.

Yes, if you would count the years, it was more than a decade that she had that "emotional struggle" before she met him. They broke up a couple of years, then she had several boyfriends then but nothing lasted.

She also said something like i kept my marriage from her... that i could easily shoot her an email to tell her that i was getting married or had a boyfriend back but i never did. I said that we never really talked about men in our lives before. I told her that there was a time that i invited her to dinner to meet by boyfriend but she declined...she was too busy to meet him.

I don't know what to believe anymore. I was glad to have learned she actually felt the same way for me too (or almost?) but i was so angry too that it took her decades to tell me all her struggles. And i was so heart-broken.

I still am.