I fell in love with her ever since i met her in college. I tried to tell her so many times but i was so scared so i tried to turn this love into a friendship thing. And i thought i did. After college, i heard she had some serious relationships but nothing flourished, then, she went to on the other side of the world to work. I never got the chance to see her again but she sends me casual emails and private messages from time to time, she said just to keep in touch. I don't want to answer her... i don't want to keep in touch. I don't want to remember her. I don't know why but i feel i had a grudge on her for leaving me without a word.
I, on the other hand, got married and had a child. I had everything...good job and a loving family... nice circle of friends. I was already very happy with my blessings in life.
Until one day i decided to send her a private message saying that we should catch up. This pm became something profound that i found myself trashing all my grudges to her and so was she. Until she asked me that unlikely question - "Am I right to believe that our friendship was never platonic?" I denied it - "I was never gay and never will be.", i quote myself. Although at that time i wanted to tell her how much i love her and i wanted her so much in my life. This was two years ago. We actually became friends again through emails/chats/phone calls. But it was so hard for me to pretend anymore so i send her a message one day saying that - i can't be her friend anymore. no explanations. She asked me why but i never answered back. I finally let her go ... for good. Saddest part of my life.
And now here i am, feeling so ruined. I feel that there is this part of me that has become so angry with my own self for that decision i made. I asked myself if i really love her -- and in my head i said -- That would be every moment.
I don't really want to fall in love with her. I just really want to be her friend but this feeling keeps growing ... getting deeper. And i can't let this happen. I still love my family. But right now...in this moment...i think of only her.
Somebody ... please help me.