When I Was A Boy (Possible Triggers; Somewhat Explicit)

Perhaps We Should Leave's picture

When I was 13 or so, I pretty regularly courted men thirty or forty years my senior. It was thrilling, and fun, and, most importantly to me, made me feel alive in a time where I felt like I was dying inside. They weren't great men, they weren't great lovers, and they certainly weren't particularly intelligent. But hey, when you're 13 and your definition of love is defined by getting fucked, it's not a bad life to get treated at a lovely restaurant or given gifts by a man more than twice your age. And honestly? I still look fondly on some of them.

The man I had my first consensual sex with was a man I met over the internet, who drove up in front of my house in the middle of the night, and let a barely-teenaged boy in his car. He drove a few houses down the street and parked (rather nervously, actually). I remember him as gentle- so very kind to me. He put his hand between my legs, and just sort of touched me while I was utterly frozen in the passenger seat. Eventually I think he got a bit impatient (after about five minutes, perhaps), and he moved my hand to his crotch. Well, eventually I went down on him, and frankly, it was... wonderful. I had never willingly done what I was doing then, and the fact that he complimented me on my skill was different than I recalled it ever being before- I wasn't relieved; I wasn't just happy to know I wouldn't be hurt for failing- I was proud. It made me feel like I was worth something. I didn't say that, of course- the man hardly knew me. When he came in my mouth, I was nervous, and happy, and didn't want it to be over. I asked him if he was done (I hoped he'd say no), and I think he interpreted that as me wanting to be done. He dropped me at my house, and I thanked him. And... I dunno, I guess that was the first time I ever felt love. Heh. Fucked up, I'm sure; but I loved the man for being gentle, I loved him for being kind to me, I loved him for telling me I did a good job, and frankly, I loved him for thinking I was beautiful. I'm still fond of the man, and I wish I knew who he was.

The next time I had an experience with an older man was a man who asked me out on a date after I told him my age. He said he'd meet me at a nice Thai restaurant near my house, and I biked down there. He was a nice guy, actually- cute for a guy that had to be thirty or forty, looked younger. Acted a bit younger, too. He bought me some really nice food and told me I was the prettiest boy he'd ever met. We talked about... stuff, I guess. I don't remember too much, but I remember him talking about buying me a french maid costume so I could be pretty as hell while I cleaned his house. He wanted me to spend time at his house; offered to pay me to keep him company there and do some housework. I was so tempted to do it, but couldn't bring myself to come up with a lie to my parents. Well, more accurately, couldn't think of a lie. I liked this guy a lot, actually- charming as hell, and adorably geeky. I still remember feeling that thrill of actually going out on dates with a man who was risking his career and pretty much life to spend time with an awkward, broken little boy. I loved that; I loved the taboo of it, I loved the attention he showered on me, and I loved the money he spent on me. Sometimes I wonder what would've happened if I had done what he wanted me to do, and been a houseboy for him. Something terrible, maybe- or maybe I'd just have had a pleasant sugar daddy. I was desperate to trust people, so I ignored any possibility of harm.

There was this other guy, too- some lawyer, I think he was. Oldest guy I fucked; said he was forty-five, but I'm pretty sure that he was actually closer to fifty-five. Had this god-awful mustache. But yeah; he learned how old I was and said he didn't want to risk his job (pretty well paid fucker, it seemed) but I begged him to come fuck me often enough that he gave in. He drove up in a van and I climbed in. Middle of the night, again. Christ, I was a dumb little bitch. But yeah, he drove me to a school's parking lot- deserted, except for an occasional security van. Fuck, that was exciting- it felt so public, and there was this terrifying possibility that we'd get caught. I loved that. We actually had to leave the lot because apparently one of the cars noticed the car and started to turn back towards us. He peeled out of there and went to another lot, further away. We got in the back of his van and he sucked me off. He got off, too, which was pretty awkward in the end, cuz he took a long-ass time to do it, and I got really fucking bored. It smelled awful, I remember, but I enjoyed it anyways- I loved having his cum on me, for one. I guess that's one thing about me that hasn't changed.

Another time- can't remember when this happened in the timeline, but it was the same couple of years- I actually let some guy in through my bedroom window (my boyfriend gives me no end of hell for this- insists that all the people I want to fuck will climb through my window at night. He doesn't seem to realize that we have a front fucking door). He fucked me pretty well- I tried fucking him, but got nervous. Long story short, it was damn fun. This guy was like, 21, though, so it's less relevant.

But yeah. It's funny, I don't regret a single thing about those years. There were a few other encounters that were less memorable, but in general it was just me enjoying the attention that older men gave me. I loved being spoiled. I loved being something that could get men jailed for years, but still managed to get them anyways. I guess I kinda miss that feeling, in a weird way. There was such a rush of adrenaline, putting myself in the hands of people who are pretty easily classified as sickos.

I guess that my experiences with kind, relatively trustworthy men are the things that make me more forgiving toward paedophiles in general- I've met some really nice guys who were chasing after some kid's tail, and they treated me well. I've also had the opposite experience, which fills me with loathing and pain. But still.

If I could do it all again, I'd do the same- and maybe even some more.

Note: I seriously don't condone behaviour like mine- it was dumb and risky and backwards. So yeah, don't imitate. Look what happened to me!

Comments

jeff's picture

Well...

This all seemed fine until you determined in hindsight to label the people "sickos," considering you were the one pursuing them and you don't seem to question your ability to consent, despite being below the age of consent (most likely) at the time.

I have a friend who has always pursued older men, from high school until now. His partner is (hmm, I'm no longer on Facebook, so I'll have to guess here) 25+ years older than he is, and they've been together for more than a decade. My friend is in his 30s, his partner in his 60s.

I acknowledge there are older people who take advantage of younger people, and there is definitely a concern for older people to not cross lines of appropriateness, respect, and manipulation, and play by the campsite rule, etc. But I do reject that intergenerational relationships are inherent abusive, since I know enough people to know that is untrue.

Personally, I've never slept with anyone under 18, which is a pretty good rule to have if you run a site for youth, heh.

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"You don't know you're beautiful." - Harry Styles

Perhaps We Should Leave's picture

lol

I don't personally consider them sickos. I mean that one could label them as sickos, and people have (when I tell them my history). I completely agree with you, actually.

The note is mostly so I can point to that and say 'no really I'm not encouraging this sort of thing' despite the fact that I honestly don't discourage anyone from doing it in real life.

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“HATE. LET ME TELL YOU HOW MUCH I'VE COME TO HATE YOU SINCE I BEGAN TO LIVE." - AM

anarchist's picture

Sounds like an interesting set of experiences.

Something I would have probably wanted to try a couple of years ago (with younger men), though I never would have actually done any of this. I tend to stay far away from risk. I've never understood how someone could enjoy the fact that something terrible could easily happen. These days, I'm too driven by love to spend time worrying about who to have sex with. Somehow, those thoughts don't feel right when combined. I feel like trying to fuck anyone would just be throwing away any chance I may have at certain emotional attachments and desires to be fulfilled, and I'd have to start all over with someone else at least a year from now. That doesn't sound worth it.

Good for you, though. Actually being able to do something like that.

Perhaps We Should Leave's picture

Understandable

This was at a time in my life where I thought 'love' and 'fucking' were one and the same. And I suppose I've always been an adrenaline junkie.

I also don't feel that love and sex are mutually exclusive. I have sex with lots of people, but it's not like I don't love my boyfriend and have a very deep connection with him. And as I've said before, I personally am of the temperament where I pretty much love someone while I fuck them, and then move back to what I felt before.

There's no particular thing about sex that denies love; there's nothing about sleeping around that means you aren't intimate; there's nothing that says you can't have sex and be emotionally fulfilled at the same time. But if you feel that celibacy is the way to go, go for it.

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“HATE. LET ME TELL YOU HOW MUCH I'VE COME TO HATE YOU SINCE I BEGAN TO LIVE." - AM

jeff's picture

But...

What risk? What terrible thing? If you were sleeping with boys your age or younger, there would be less of a power dynamic, so what would the issue have been?

There is no formula. You can fuck someone and then fall in love with them, fall in love and eventually sleep with them, or build both on the same path. Sexual incompatibility can kill a relationship just as much as emotional incongruity or anything else. Intellectualizing the process won't make the results more tangible or achievable. It is typically more of a trial and error system than conceptualizing perfection and then trying to manifest it.

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"You don't know you're beautiful." - Harry Styles

anarchist's picture

I think I somehow worded this wrong.

It seems like people are interpreting this as saying that I don't want to ever have sex, so I must have fucked up somewhere in this comment.

Beau's picture

I think I understand this but...

I'm 13 and I'd never sleep with a guy three times my age, there's just no attraction. I live in a popular Gulf Coast area and I get hit on my older guys on a regular basis and it grosses me out. I've been offered money to go back to their hotel or on their boat but that just makes it worse for me.

It also makes me wonder if they can tell I'm gay or if they just like my body?

Beau

Perhaps We Should Leave's picture

Well...

I understand where you're coming from, too. To understand why the things I did were what they were, you should probably understand that when I was very young (more than once as I grew up) I had been raped; one of the effects of such experiences when you're young is that it winds up shaping your understanding of attachment or love in a rather warped way; I learned that sex was ultimately the most meaningful and real expression of love and I felt that the way to know I had value was to seek out and experience sex with older men.

I'm very sleepy, so this is a poor-as-hell explanation, but long story short, what I experienced isn't something most people your age should be experiencing; it was the result of abuse and deep-seated mental scars. As counter-intuitive as it is, I consider it a positive experience in terms of who I am and in terms of my personal experience, it was a love story- but it was only like that because of my past and my experiences, it might not be the same for you or anyone else who didn't go through what I and others did. It's not a normal experience at 13, nor should it be. If you should find yourself wishing to explore yourself with older men at age 16, 17, or 18, as long as you understand what you're getting into (and no lewd jokes here, Jeff, don't be a schmuck) I think that's okay- as long as you're safe about it. But for now, honestly, I suggest you avoid those situations. It can be dangerous, and not all men who go for younger boys are as kind as the ones I met in that space of time. I met the other kind before that.

I doubt that this was the response you expected or wanted, but yeah. Right now, you should probably be exploring your sexuality with people your age (be safe as fuck and careful as hell; it's technically illegal for anyone your age to have sex), and if you're in the part of the gulf coast I think you are, stay the hell away from those guys, no matter how much cash they're offering. They're total skeeves, and prostitution is risky business.

I hope this makes sense. All my love,

Greer S. <3

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“HATE. LET ME TELL YOU HOW MUCH I'VE COME TO HATE YOU SINCE I BEGAN TO LIVE." - AM

jeff's picture

Err...

If you're being hit on by significantly older guys on a regular basis, which would presumably require them to be alone with you to make such an offer, I'd look for ways to stop enabling this interaction to even take place if it happening in a consistent area or something...

On a personal note, it is horrific to read someone talking about guys triple their age being so old, and having that tripled age still be younger than my own, ack! ;-)

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"You don't know you're beautiful." - Harry Styles

Perhaps We Should Leave's picture

If it helps...

I'm sure you're the sexiest old coot out there. Too bad you're probably not interested in girls, regardless of the size of their cocks. ;)

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“HATE. LET ME TELL YOU HOW MUCH I'VE COME TO HATE YOU SINCE I BEGAN TO LIVE." - AM

jeff's picture

Despite having traveled extensively in Thailand...

... that would still represent unchartered territory for me, heh.

---
"You don't know you're beautiful." - Harry Styles

Perhaps We Should Leave's picture

Hey

You never know until you try it!

* * *

“HATE. LET ME TELL YOU HOW MUCH I'VE COME TO HATE YOU SINCE I BEGAN TO LIVE." - AM

jeff's picture

It always seems like a bit of a minefield, heh...

Like, if I'm sleeping with a pre-op trans girl... in my head, it's basically a naked boy with a penis, which means I'm prone to saying or doing something wrong. As though there's some possible way to know how to sleep with a boy with a penis, as opposed to a girl with a penis, etc. ;-)

If you compliment their dick, is that an issue? Not sure I could role-play and pretend this big meathammer is really a 9-inch clit. "I'm deepthroating the man in the boat now..."

Like I said, sounds like a minefield...

And the rules seem different from person to person... very complicated, heh.

---
"You don't know you're beautiful." - Harry Styles

Perhaps We Should Leave's picture

Hm.

You talk about it first. As for me, basically I'm very proud of my penis and enjoy its use. I also have boobs. My gender is pretty fucked up, but I call myself a girl. XD

It does differ from person to person, and as a transwoman I prefer to sleep with other transwomen (partially because ohmygawdthey'resohot). But if you find the right lady, you'll probably find that we can be just as much fun as anyone else. ;)

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“HATE. LET ME TELL YOU HOW MUCH I'VE COME TO HATE YOU SINCE I BEGAN TO LIVE." - AM

jeff's picture

Talking?

See, you are a girl! ;-)

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"You don't know you're beautiful." - Harry Styles

Perhaps We Should Leave's picture

But of course!

But you've never met a girl OR a boy that can suck down a cock like I can.

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“HATE. LET ME TELL YOU HOW MUCH I'VE COME TO HATE YOU SINCE I BEGAN TO LIVE." - AM

jeff's picture

Heh...

I like that we are having a normal chat in pm's, and the sexual chat in public. Do we have that the wrong way around? heheh

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"You don't know you're beautiful." - Harry Styles

Perhaps We Should Leave's picture

Golly, Jeff

You're no fun at all.

* * *

“HATE. LET ME TELL YOU HOW MUCH I'VE COME TO HATE YOU SINCE I BEGAN TO LIVE." - AM

jeff's picture

Hmm...

Would I still be a gold star gay as long as I sleep with a trans girl only AFTER I am openly gay? I'm not sure of the rules there...

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"You don't know you're beautiful." - Harry Styles

Perhaps We Should Leave's picture

I'm sure it's fine

I'm sure you won't be savaged.

* * *

“HATE. LET ME TELL YOU HOW MUCH I'VE COME TO HATE YOU SINCE I BEGAN TO LIVE." - AM

Beau's picture

No, actually this happens in

No, actually this happens in public places like the beach, at Wal*Mart, even just walking down the street or being in a bookstore.

I didn't mean to offend you (I have no idea how old you are anyway?) I was just stating that someone old enough to be your father or grandfather just doesn't excite me.

Should it?

Beau

Perhaps We Should Leave's picture

Um

Jeff is a bit of a kidder. XD He was making a joke about being offended.

* * *

“HATE. LET ME TELL YOU HOW MUCH I'VE COME TO HATE YOU SINCE I BEGAN TO LIVE." - AM

jeff's picture

No...

It shouldn't.

For some people, it does. But they are far from a majority. I know I was never interested in older guys when I was younger, and now that I'm older, I don't pursue younger guys.

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"You don't know you're beautiful." - Harry Styles