When I was 13 or so, I pretty regularly courted men thirty or forty years my senior. It was thrilling, and fun, and, most importantly to me, made me feel alive in a time where I felt like I was dying inside. They weren't great men, they weren't great lovers, and they certainly weren't particularly intelligent. But hey, when you're 13 and your definition of love is defined by getting fucked, it's not a bad life to get treated at a lovely restaurant or given gifts by a man more than twice your age. And honestly? I still look fondly on some of them.
The man I had my first consensual sex with was a man I met over the internet, who drove up in front of my house in the middle of the night, and let a barely-teenaged boy in his car. He drove a few houses down the street and parked (rather nervously, actually). I remember him as gentle- so very kind to me. He put his hand between my legs, and just sort of touched me while I was utterly frozen in the passenger seat. Eventually I think he got a bit impatient (after about five minutes, perhaps), and he moved my hand to his crotch. Well, eventually I went down on him, and frankly, it was... wonderful. I had never willingly done what I was doing then, and the fact that he complimented me on my skill was different than I recalled it ever being before- I wasn't relieved; I wasn't just happy to know I wouldn't be hurt for failing- I was proud. It made me feel like I was worth something. I didn't say that, of course- the man hardly knew me. When he came in my mouth, I was nervous, and happy, and didn't want it to be over. I asked him if he was done (I hoped he'd say no), and I think he interpreted that as me wanting to be done. He dropped me at my house, and I thanked him. And... I dunno, I guess that was the first time I ever felt love. Heh. Fucked up, I'm sure; but I loved the man for being gentle, I loved him for being kind to me, I loved him for telling me I did a good job, and frankly, I loved him for thinking I was beautiful. I'm still fond of the man, and I wish I knew who he was.
The next time I had an experience with an older man was a man who asked me out on a date after I told him my age. He said he'd meet me at a nice Thai restaurant near my house, and I biked down there. He was a nice guy, actually- cute for a guy that had to be thirty or forty, looked younger. Acted a bit younger, too. He bought me some really nice food and told me I was the prettiest boy he'd ever met. We talked about... stuff, I guess. I don't remember too much, but I remember him talking about buying me a french maid costume so I could be pretty as hell while I cleaned his house. He wanted me to spend time at his house; offered to pay me to keep him company there and do some housework. I was so tempted to do it, but couldn't bring myself to come up with a lie to my parents. Well, more accurately, couldn't think of a lie. I liked this guy a lot, actually- charming as hell, and adorably geeky. I still remember feeling that thrill of actually going out on dates with a man who was risking his career and pretty much life to spend time with an awkward, broken little boy. I loved that; I loved the taboo of it, I loved the attention he showered on me, and I loved the money he spent on me. Sometimes I wonder what would've happened if I had done what he wanted me to do, and been a houseboy for him. Something terrible, maybe- or maybe I'd just have had a pleasant sugar daddy. I was desperate to trust people, so I ignored any possibility of harm.
There was this other guy, too- some lawyer, I think he was. Oldest guy I fucked; said he was forty-five, but I'm pretty sure that he was actually closer to fifty-five. Had this god-awful mustache. But yeah; he learned how old I was and said he didn't want to risk his job (pretty well paid fucker, it seemed) but I begged him to come fuck me often enough that he gave in. He drove up in a van and I climbed in. Middle of the night, again. Christ, I was a dumb little bitch. But yeah, he drove me to a school's parking lot- deserted, except for an occasional security van. Fuck, that was exciting- it felt so public, and there was this terrifying possibility that we'd get caught. I loved that. We actually had to leave the lot because apparently one of the cars noticed the car and started to turn back towards us. He peeled out of there and went to another lot, further away. We got in the back of his van and he sucked me off. He got off, too, which was pretty awkward in the end, cuz he took a long-ass time to do it, and I got really fucking bored. It smelled awful, I remember, but I enjoyed it anyways- I loved having his cum on me, for one. I guess that's one thing about me that hasn't changed.
Another time- can't remember when this happened in the timeline, but it was the same couple of years- I actually let some guy in through my bedroom window (my boyfriend gives me no end of hell for this- insists that all the people I want to fuck will climb through my window at night. He doesn't seem to realize that we have a front fucking door). He fucked me pretty well- I tried fucking him, but got nervous. Long story short, it was damn fun. This guy was like, 21, though, so it's less relevant.
But yeah. It's funny, I don't regret a single thing about those years. There were a few other encounters that were less memorable, but in general it was just me enjoying the attention that older men gave me. I loved being spoiled. I loved being something that could get men jailed for years, but still managed to get them anyways. I guess I kinda miss that feeling, in a weird way. There was such a rush of adrenaline, putting myself in the hands of people who are pretty easily classified as sickos.
I guess that my experiences with kind, relatively trustworthy men are the things that make me more forgiving toward paedophiles in general- I've met some really nice guys who were chasing after some kid's tail, and they treated me well. I've also had the opposite experience, which fills me with loathing and pain. But still.
If I could do it all again, I'd do the same- and maybe even some more.
Note: I seriously don't condone behaviour like mine- it was dumb and risky and backwards. So yeah, don't imitate. Look what happened to me!