In my last journal I wrote about some big changes that had happened in my life, and this time I'm going to discuss the other one.
I didn't know this, but my brother Hayden has suspected me of being gay for a long time but never said anything about it...until a few weeks ago.
Now that we're sharing the basement one thing we do on Friday and Saturday nights is stretch out on the sleeper sofa and watch a movie, and then sleep together. It gives us a chance to talk privately, and since we don't see each other much during the week it's also a good time to catch up.
The first weekend after Carter came to live with us we were about to start the movie and Hayden asked me "Why didn't you tell me about you and Luke?"
Fuck. I knew what he was talking about, but I had to be sure.
"What about Luke and I?", I asked.
"You know", and Hayden pushed his index finger in and out of his mouth.
"I saw the texts, the pictures...I really had a hard time believing it."
"Why?", I asked.
"You're not fruity. You like sports, you're fucking normal!"
"Sorry to disappoint you".
"I'm not disappointed...I'm not mad...it's just..."
"What?", I asked.
"What's it like?"
Damn. Why did he have to ask that?
"Have you done anything with a girl?"
It took a long time for him to say no.
"Well...it's just like everything you'd imagine it's like with a girl...it feels really good, especially getting sucked. But it's also different."
"How?", he asked.
"Luke's not a girl so we understand each other. There's no talking about clothes or the other stupid shit girls always talk about. No moodiness either. And you can't get a guy pregnant!"
Then it hit me: Why was Hayden asking me this stuff? So I asked him.
He showed me a picture of Luke's (my boyfriend) younger cousin Jake that he downloaded from my phone and printed out. Jake's so gay acting that he makes Luke look straight, but he's very cute...I mean like model cute!
"I jack off to this every night...I want to meet him...what's he like?"
Luke and Jake and I spent a Saturday together...well...doing stuff. It was Jake's first time with another boy. I told him stuff I knew he would want to know, and told him we could maybe meet them the next day?
Hayden was real quiet, and then asked me if I hate being the way I am?
I told him the truth:
I don't understand it but it's how I am, and I can't change it.
We skipped the movie that night, and went to bed with me spooning Hayden like I had so many times before, and what we now do with Carter.
We spent the next day with Jake and Luke, but that's for another journal.