Wish I were here

Perhaps We Should Leave's picture

So.

It's getting worse, not better. It's getting harder, not easier. The screaming gets worse and worse and I keep having these feelings that feel so foreign to me. Sometimes it's hard to remember that nobody else can hear it. Sometimes I can hardly hear myself speak over it. I've been good at not raising my voice to hear over it, but that's difficult. It's like trying to talk over music that is just too loud. But instead of music, it's more like I hear hell.

If there is a god, or gods, then they deserve my wrath as much as anyone else. Whether they are benevolent, malicious, or indifferent, whatever 'god' decided my fate has my utter hatred. I was happy once, but no longer. I was innocent, but then I was broken. Whoever allowed this to happen, it's their fault as well. If there is a god, I would see their temples burn. I would see their idols fracture and fall apart. I would see their religion die out. If I believed in a god, I would have someone to hate, someone to blame.

But I don't.

There can be no peace. I am resigned to my own personal hell. I sometimes wish I were never born, to have saved my loved ones the trouble of having to take care of me.

A person is defined by what they deny; their shadow shows more of their nature than any part of them that sees the light of day. What do I deny? What part of me is so hateful that I cannot even see what it is? What part of my mind is so intent on stopping me from confronting my own reality?

I have been losing time lately. Sometimes minutes will go by without my notice, and there have been promises made that I cannot remember. Sometimes I cannot remember half a day. My memory is worse and worse, and it's not just bothering me; my loved ones are increasingly agitated at my inability to make good on the plans I make with them; plans that I don't even know were made. Sometimes I feel like I'm being gaslighted, but I don't know why anyone would do that to me, so I mark that off as mere paranoia.

What is wrong with me? What is so wrong with me? Fuck, who am I?

I talked to my therapist, and he feels that there is a lot of dissociation happening. He is unsure of DID, and doesn't wish to pursue anything he is not sure is there. I don't know if that's what's wrong, or if there's another problem.

I can't bear to think about the future. I don't want to think about how much worse this could get. I don't want to think about how much I could lose if this goes on. I don't want to die.

Comments

jeff's picture

But...

Other than that, is everything OK?

But seriously, is the therapist doing something else/new? I mean, it seems like something is up, some new action is required, no? New drugs? Different drugs? Based on this, it doesn't seem like it would just be a "Well, we'll have to talk about this some more next week..."

Atheism does have that limitation built into it, though, that removal of a higher blame.

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"You don't know you're beautiful." - Harry Styles

Perhaps We Should Leave's picture

Kinda

Life is pretty good externally, although my internal trouble makes it really fucking hard to appreciate that sometimes. I wish that the external goodness was more powerful, but... it's not, really.

Both my therapist and I actually prefer not to involve drugs, given that this isn't something chemical, it's something... well, else. Something that needs treatment of a different kind. But basically what we're doing is actually the cause of this. The more walls I break down, the more it hurts. But with PTSD it's basically a given that it'll hurt almost unbearably in order to heal. I understand the process, but my fear is still there. I know WHY these things are happening, from the standpoint of the trigger- but I don't understand the reason that the trigger is even there.

And yes; sometimes I feel like my only comfort from a god anymore would be having someone to despise. I hear some people feel better because there's a 'plan' or 'reason' for what happens, but to me that just means we'd all be trapped.

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“HATE. LET ME TELL YOU HOW MUCH I'VE COME TO HATE YOU SINCE I BEGAN TO LIVE." - AM

jeff's picture

to be honest...

I was actually going for more of a "But aside from that, Mrs. Lincoln, how was the play?" vibe. ;-)

I'm guessing your title is not inspired by Next to Normal, a Broadway show about a woman who goes off her meds and finally undergoes electroshock therapy? One of my favorite shows ever.

Wish I were here: http://youtu.be/bv1PvJnpzlI

That song is right after she gets the electroshock therapy and can't remember some of her past.

Earlier in the show, she sings about how the drugs dull her enjoyment of life: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Rt09n4O-OrE

Her husband has a great song "Who's Crazy?" that segues with her and her therapist discussing her pill options in "My Psychopharmacologist and I": http://youtu.be/0auFZ5OVjAk

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"You don't know you're beautiful." - Harry Styles

Perhaps We Should Leave's picture

I imagine it's remarkable,

Exuberant, austere; wish I were here?

Yes, it's my favorite musical ever. It's helped me through hard parts of my life. Particularly one of the lines always makes me cry- "You find out you don't have to be happy at all/to be happy you're alive.

I like that you picked up on that.

* * *

“HATE. LET ME TELL YOU HOW MUCH I'VE COME TO HATE YOU SINCE I BEGAN TO LIVE." - AM

jeff's picture

Well...

I wasn't sure it was a direct reference. I tend to think every reference is about a Broadway musical if that hook exists... ;-)

When I took my family to see N2N, they weren't sure what to make of it, since they are more used to happy, dancy, upbeat musicals. On our way out, there was a couple on the aisle of the orchestra a few rows behind us, just sobbing and holding each other, oblivious to everything around them, just unable to move or disengage... and part of me wondered what had touched them so deeply that they could barely get it together.

And part of me was happy I didn't connect with the piece that deeply.

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"You don't know you're beautiful." - Harry Styles

Perhaps We Should Leave's picture

I empathize with the couple

Both my partner and I started crying when we watched it together and had to take a couple of minutes to recover. We both relate to characters there- me with Diana and he with Dan- in some very difficult ways.

I... think it's probably best that some people are left without that connection. I think those who feel that connection most are people who suffer from mental illness (whether having it or loving one who has it). And anyone who doesn't suffer from that... well, I'm jealous. And a bit bitter.

Did you see it with the original cast?

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“HATE. LET ME TELL YOU HOW MUCH I'VE COME TO HATE YOU SINCE I BEGAN TO LIVE." - AM

jeff's picture

Not entirely sure...

I saw it with nearly all of the OBCs. Not sure if the Dad or the doctor were originals yet, but otherwise yes, Alice, Aaron, Adam, Jennifer, etc. I also saw it with their replacements, who were phenomenal: Marin Mazzie, Kyle Dean Massey, etc.

Been seeing their new show, If/Then, a few times in previews now, as well. It's the same book/music/direction team as N2N. I have two friends in the cast, so that's a fun element to it, as well.

Nothing as harrowing, though. ;-)

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"You don't know you're beautiful." - Harry Styles