you say beauty is within us? (trigger warning)

Perhaps We Should Leave's picture

So.

I'm tired. Tired as fuck. I've got a fucking migraine, and it won't go away. The screams are loud and I've been feeling a lovely urge to kill someone. That last one doesn't feel like me, but whatever. I keep fantasizing about various activities like slitting someone's throat, smashing someone's head with a sledgehammer, flaying someone alive... that sort of thing.

The more I try to face my memory head on, the more misery and hate I feel. When I think about it all, it's like the gates that keep all the rage start to weaken. It's not nice.

I'm not generally a violent person, and that's why the violent urges disturb me so much. I'm going to talk to my therapist about it sometime, but I dunno where it comes from.

But yeah... it's just... I want to cut them up. I want to watch them bleed and hear them scream and beg and weep and then cut their tongue out and watch them drown in their own blood... but at the same time i'm revolted that I can even think that. The fact that I can type it out without feeling sick is out of character; the fact that I can type it out with such relish and angry joy is... perverse. Disturbing.

it's just... so much HATE. And I want to hurt them. I want to hurt them so badly, but I don't even know who they are; and I don't want to. If I knew, I might actually do some of these things I want to do. And I'm worried I'd enjoy it.

But whoever it is, it's their fault I'm so sick and broken and perverted. It's their fault I feel the urges I feel and the lusts I'm so ashamed of. And I want to kill them for it. But I want to forgive them for it... because how broken must they have been, to have raped a child? How sick must they have been? The screams are so loud... I would do anything to make it stop. But I don't know if I could live with myself if they stopped and I realized I'd hurt someone.

I'm sick, yes. And my mind is stained with my own bile. And what if I turn out to be as sick as whoever did this? I would slit my own throat before I let that happen, I assure you... I hate death, but I would embrace her with open arms were i to break anyone else, in any way. and I would kill anyone who broke someone I love.

Ugh. I dunno. Maybe I'm crazy. Heh, maybe? But i'm tired, and depressed, and angry. And I think I'll sleep soon.

Comments

jeff's picture

And...

Example B of the problem with Oasis: When peer support is all "WTF to do with this?!" ;-)

I watched Oldboy this evening, so I did see slit throats, hammer attacks, etc., tonight, but I try and keep this stuff contained to movies.

But, yeah, let's bring the therapist up to date on this...

I do wonder, though, how much of therapy is about sorting the past, unpacking the past, etc., etc., as opposed to moving forward, or does one have to happen to enable the other?

---
"You don't know you're beautiful." - Harry Styles

anarchist's picture

I've been thinking shit like this for quite a while.

Except when I do it I only imagine killing innocent people. I like to do that while listening to Whitehouse at loud volumes. It's the only proper situation in which to think those thoughts. So have some good soundtrack to your problem:

Perhaps We Should Leave's picture

So...

Essentially that song is someone trying to make himself heard over a powersaw? That's all I caught there. :P I'm teasing, of course. Just not my taste. Thanks, though.

Well, I don't really know who I'm imagining it about. Just some faceless person. So I dunno. Could be innocent. I'd rather it not be. I don't like that idea.

Personally, I rather like listening to Nick Cave and the Bad Seeds while I feel particularly psychopathic.

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“HATE. LET ME TELL YOU HOW MUCH I'VE COME TO HATE YOU SINCE I BEGAN TO LIVE." - AM