Wow. I'm tired.
Between working and school and everything else I do, I'm just doing shit all the fucking time. I haven't watched a speck of tv or video games in months, not even intentionally, but simply because I just don't have the fucking time.
Sometimes I wonder. In the adolescent emotional roller coaster, I'm usually riding along at a relatively laid back, but rolling, pace.
But a few months ago, when I got my job, I spiralled down. Started drinking more. Stopped doing schoolwork altogether. For two months I was just depressed about this life I've been put into (never, though, take these comments as suicidal, I'm about as un-suicidal as possible). I've never been a straight A student, but I've never had F's before either, like real F's that aren't just some grading mistake.
Then one day my dad was mad at my mom. It appears, and I won't go into much, but my mom, who doesn't work, but cleans and manages the household and finances, failed at her financial duties over a long period of time.
And all of a sudden, though that depressed me, I felt purpose. My mom has always yelled at me and I have a billion small pet peeves and resentments about her, but all of a sudden at that moment I realized she was a human being too, fallible like the rest of us. Like, really. Not just theoretically, here was incontrovertible proof of her vulnerable humanity.
One that made me somewhat ashamed of the way I treat my parents, not because I'm wrong all or even most of the time, I think, but because they're just people too, trying to do their best, and in they end they haven't done such a bad job with such a hard task.
But all of a sudden I had one month to get the three months of homework for the quarter done to salvage my grades.
So coming out of the slump I simply used will power and all the energy I had to hop my schedule back up into this manic cycle of working, on one thing or another, literally every second of the day. I would actually run from task to task.
And by working every second of the day, I'm not exaggerating, though in "work" I include things I consider necessary for the maintenance of my body (exercise, enough sleep) and things I like but that help me learn things and expand my abilities and knowledge (reading stuff, reading Wikipedia articles).
Which is pretty amazing I can say to myself I spent a whole month doing that stuff 16 hours a day when I'm not sleeping, straight.
But it's worrying in many ways. That's a lot of the reason I never could post here. And sometimes, like at a Frisbee practice or something, I would use this newfound ability to hype myself up into the manic energy to just go crazy and marvel and how fast and long I could move.
Then after that I would completely die, losing all energy, hardly being able to walk, incredibly depressed, and wanting to do nothing more than lay in bed for a few hours.
Before I would hype myself back up into manic energy again.
I don't know if my body can take this. I'm honestly not sure. Whenever I have the opportunity my body forces me to sleep, I can't stop it. But it's always done that...
I'm a little afraid, too, that what happened on a micro scale could happen on a macro scale, that the energy could leave me and I could fall back into another depression that would leave me unable to do anything.
But here's what I've learned: I'm tired of working for the future. Everything I do is for the future. School is for the future. Work is for the future. Everything else is just maintaining my body or expanding my mind for the future.
And it's left me miserable now. I can tolerate it for now, because, of course, I can look forward to the future, but I can resolve now, I don't want to be working eternally for the future until I retire. That's not how I want to live my life.
I'd like to spend at least my 20's or so living for the present. Please? Can I do that?
I'm sorry, I'm very tired. I know none of this is comprehension able, and I feel I don't have the energy to make it so.
I was going to write something about how so many people I live around, next to, go to school with, live for nothing. They have no principles. They pretend to be into leadership and all sorts of extra-curriculars and good grades but all of it is just they're good at bullshitting. And that bothers none of them. Just so they can get into a good college. And presumably a lot of money. They live for nothing.
Escaping this world is why I'm not suicidal. I know there are wonderful and beautiful things out there, I've seen then, AND I FUCKING SEE THEM OUT THE CAR WINDOW WHEN I'M DRIVING HOME AFTER WORK, BUT I CAN'T DO ANYTHING BUT FUCKING CRY BECAUSE I HAVE SO MUCH HOMEWORK TO DO AND I HAVE NO FUCKING TIME FOR LIVING FUCKFUCKFUCK.
And I fear for myself. I've actually been having dreams of violence. I dream that someone pisses me off so much I do something horrible. I've had constant gut pain for over a year now, and just this past week it's been so bad, and I still have no clue what it is.
I have to get out of this fucking empty world of plastic people before it kills me.