Ask for proof, because if you're dying to be led, they'll lead you up the hill in chains to their popular refrains

swimmerguy's picture

Wow. I'm tired.
Between working and school and everything else I do, I'm just doing shit all the fucking time. I haven't watched a speck of tv or video games in months, not even intentionally, but simply because I just don't have the fucking time.

Sometimes I wonder. In the adolescent emotional roller coaster, I'm usually riding along at a relatively laid back, but rolling, pace.
But a few months ago, when I got my job, I spiralled down. Started drinking more. Stopped doing schoolwork altogether. For two months I was just depressed about this life I've been put into (never, though, take these comments as suicidal, I'm about as un-suicidal as possible). I've never been a straight A student, but I've never had F's before either, like real F's that aren't just some grading mistake.
Then one day my dad was mad at my mom. It appears, and I won't go into much, but my mom, who doesn't work, but cleans and manages the household and finances, failed at her financial duties over a long period of time.
And all of a sudden, though that depressed me, I felt purpose. My mom has always yelled at me and I have a billion small pet peeves and resentments about her, but all of a sudden at that moment I realized she was a human being too, fallible like the rest of us. Like, really. Not just theoretically, here was incontrovertible proof of her vulnerable humanity.
One that made me somewhat ashamed of the way I treat my parents, not because I'm wrong all or even most of the time, I think, but because they're just people too, trying to do their best, and in they end they haven't done such a bad job with such a hard task.

But all of a sudden I had one month to get the three months of homework for the quarter done to salvage my grades.
So coming out of the slump I simply used will power and all the energy I had to hop my schedule back up into this manic cycle of working, on one thing or another, literally every second of the day. I would actually run from task to task.
And by working every second of the day, I'm not exaggerating, though in "work" I include things I consider necessary for the maintenance of my body (exercise, enough sleep) and things I like but that help me learn things and expand my abilities and knowledge (reading stuff, reading Wikipedia articles).
Which is pretty amazing I can say to myself I spent a whole month doing that stuff 16 hours a day when I'm not sleeping, straight.

But it's worrying in many ways. That's a lot of the reason I never could post here. And sometimes, like at a Frisbee practice or something, I would use this newfound ability to hype myself up into the manic energy to just go crazy and marvel and how fast and long I could move.
Then after that I would completely die, losing all energy, hardly being able to walk, incredibly depressed, and wanting to do nothing more than lay in bed for a few hours.

Before I would hype myself back up into manic energy again.
I don't know if my body can take this. I'm honestly not sure. Whenever I have the opportunity my body forces me to sleep, I can't stop it. But it's always done that...

I'm a little afraid, too, that what happened on a micro scale could happen on a macro scale, that the energy could leave me and I could fall back into another depression that would leave me unable to do anything.

But here's what I've learned: I'm tired of working for the future. Everything I do is for the future. School is for the future. Work is for the future. Everything else is just maintaining my body or expanding my mind for the future.
And it's left me miserable now. I can tolerate it for now, because, of course, I can look forward to the future, but I can resolve now, I don't want to be working eternally for the future until I retire. That's not how I want to live my life.
I'd like to spend at least my 20's or so living for the present. Please? Can I do that?

I'm sorry, I'm very tired. I know none of this is comprehension able, and I feel I don't have the energy to make it so.
I was going to write something about how so many people I live around, next to, go to school with, live for nothing. They have no principles. They pretend to be into leadership and all sorts of extra-curriculars and good grades but all of it is just they're good at bullshitting. And that bothers none of them. Just so they can get into a good college. And presumably a lot of money. They live for nothing.
Escaping this world is why I'm not suicidal. I know there are wonderful and beautiful things out there, I've seen then, AND I FUCKING SEE THEM OUT THE CAR WINDOW WHEN I'M DRIVING HOME AFTER WORK, BUT I CAN'T DO ANYTHING BUT FUCKING CRY BECAUSE I HAVE SO MUCH HOMEWORK TO DO AND I HAVE NO FUCKING TIME FOR LIVING FUCKFUCKFUCK.

And I fear for myself. I've actually been having dreams of violence. I dream that someone pisses me off so much I do something horrible. I've had constant gut pain for over a year now, and just this past week it's been so bad, and I still have no clue what it is.
I have to get out of this fucking empty world of plastic people before it kills me.

Comments

swimmerguy's picture

Hello

I didn't mean for this to be so depressing or angsty when I started... Maybe that's the good part of Oasis, it's the only place in the whole world I can actually say what I really mean and either not get judged or not care if I do.

elph's picture

You've no idea... or, maybe you do!

You're quite correct… this was truly the work of a very agitated (i.e., angsty) teen.

And, you're probably not aware of how it impacts those of us who possess any empathy for another: for me, it leaves me feeling totally eviscerated (of course, that may be a tad hyperbolic).

It would be quite presumptuous of me to gratuitously offer possible means of escaping such profound malaise: that should be left to those who are qualified!

But, I am compelled to respond to this one comment:

"I've had constant gut pain for over a year now, and just this past week it's been so bad, and I still have no clue what it is."

Surely… you cannot be unaware that this cries out for professional attention. If time is sufficient before your forthcoming odyssey… at least discuss this today (although I suspect you'll not read this in time) with your school's health personnel.

All-too-frequently in the past you've commented on appointments that were either cancelled or missed… please break this syndrome! PLEASE!

jeff's picture

Hmm...

Always good to see you writing on here, and glad you have a place to say what you mean. Hopefully, angel syndrome will come up with a plan to keep the site going, check in with him if you want to be part of that.

The one thing that sticks out here is... having constant gut pain for a year. Have you gone to get this diagnosed? I mean, stuff like that is extra important, since if it is something that needs attention, it could make all of this delaying for the future even less relevant.

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"You don't know you're beautiful." - Harry Styles

swimmerguy's picture

This comment can reply to both

I've talked about it before, and I am determined to get it checked out now. But the thing is, I can pretty much admit I'm a hypochondriac and even I'm not too realistically worried about it.
True, I haven't always been having this pain. But I have for about a year now, and I haven't seen it really getting worse as a general trend. It's never been truly debilitating. And at the same time, endurance-wise I've hardly ever felt better. Bike rides that I've done many times that killed me a few months ago hardly seem to really work me out now, just as I would expect at my level of exercise.
So even though my subconscious would love to jump to some conclusion about cancer or MS(MS can indeed cause gut pain, as can pretty much any other illness in the world, though for MS the chance is relatively rare and almost nonexistent for it to be the first symptom) about every small symptom I've ever had, this one, perhaps because of the length of time I've had to deal with it and the fact it hasn't gone away, is why it doesn't worry me too much.

To be honest, it might simply be stress. I'm probably very stressed. And an interesting thing is that when I've been on vacation I've usually barely noticed it.
But then this last week has just been so bad and so constant, but I think I've been more and more constantly stressed this week too...

I have discussed it with parents but never really gotten around to getting an appointment, but after this last week I'm determined to.

elph's picture

Thank you...

I know that you must be terribly rushed and excited at this particular hour… consequently, I, especially, appreciate your taking the time to post this brief elaboration.

With fingers tightly crossed, I’d tend to agree with you that the symptoms you’ve described can all very likely be attributed to stress.

But… even stress should be addressed… in your case, professionally!
Please choose an adolescent psychologist with a positive reputation… you deserve the very best!

Looking forward to hearing that an appointment has been secured after your return... in about 10 days(?).

Bon voyage! (Uh… play/bow nicely ☺ )

anarchist's picture

If you want to live for the present, you need to start now.

You can't keep working for the future and telling yourself you'll finally be able to enjoy the present, because that will never happen. The future doesn't matter. It doesn't exist, and it isn't real, it's only imaginary. But you can't live in the present if you care about life. I see death as permanent freedom, so it doesn't bother me if I'll die in the future doing what I love, which is being free and happy, and not being bothered by the future.

Other than that, I agree with everything you've said here. I feel like I'm somewhat in the same boat as you, since I have no energy to do anything, and way too much time to think about what I'm missing out on due to sleepiness. It sucks, and all I can do is look at screens and play guitar. There's only occasionally enough energy to drive or walk. I know that isn't quite the same as what you have, but it makes everything seems pretty pointless and depressing. I guess that explains why I care about my love problems so much.

Sorry for writing so much about myself here, but your journal really made me think about how it applies to my own life, and it would have been out of context in a separate journal entry.

jeff's picture

Say what now?

So, if the future doesn't exist and "you can't live in the present if you care about life," where are we meant to live exactly?!

The future does exist, though. In 10 minutes, I'm going to start watching the second season of The Sopranos. Not far enough out? Tomorrow night, I'm going to watch the season finale of Shameless? On Tuesday, I'm going to see Neil Finn in concert. On August 4, I will be 20 feet from Harry Styles. All of those are pretty likely to exist. All are in the future, no?

Then again, you also said "it doesn't bother me if I'll die in the future doing what I love," so you do see yourself dying in the future, but you're not bothered by it?!... I'm all confused what you're getting at here, heh.

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"You don't know you're beautiful." - Harry Styles