diverting my stream

anarchist's picture

Well I can't talk to YK any more, it seems, so I have to just forget about him now. Unfortunately, that's being a bitch because everything is making me think about him, and whenever I remember that he exists I feel absolutely terrible about not being around him. Now that he's gone, I have nothing to delay the horrible feelings that society puts on me. Now I just feel lonely and hopeless. I have nowhere to go with this, since nobody here cares, and this is the only place I had to let my feelings out. I'm on my own now, and I don't know how this will end, but I feel that I may not make it through.


Bosemaster42's picture


Look, I know a little something about how you're feeling, however, it's not the end of the world as you know it. You will need to re-evaluate your friendship with YK, but I believe Jeff made a very valid point in your last post. Cutting classes to spend time with him is adorable on one hand and kind of stupid on the other. The question is, would YK sacrifice his classes to spend time with you? If not, you are potentially putting yourself in a bad situation with regard to the class you are skipping. I'm not sure what you mean by "the horrible feelings that society puts on me." External forces can't make you feel anything, unless of course, you allow it. So, you'll have to clarify that statement. I don't want to piss in your cheerio's, but I've made similar mistakes in the past with regard to fellow students I was longing for. Most of which were personal fantasies.

anarchist's picture

Well it isn't really a class.

It's an online "class" that I can also do at home, and the "teacher" is just a fucking weirdo who does nothing all day and gives absolutely no shits about what I do at all. And I'm continuing the course through next year, so I'm not really sacrificing much. He has skipped class before, but that was to sit with his girlfriend at lunch, which also happened to be my lunch, so I stayed with them during the period and we ended up talking more than the two of them did. He's a lot more cautious about things than I am though, while I don't really give a shit about immediate things, since there are always ways for things to work out later.

I try not to let those things bother me, and I did that by spending time alone when I didn't feel like sitting in a classroom, but that's been cut off. I'm forced to wake up really early in the morning so I can stay in one spot without moving all day, and then be too tired to do anything later, and I can't go anywhere because I can't drive. So I have to just feel like shit all day.

The situation with YK continues to give me hope, though, because we're just sort of a duo, with nobody else involved in our friendship, so it makes us seem a lot closer than we normally would be, and our relationship isn't like the ones either of us share with other people, so it's hard to judge how close we are, but it seems like there's more to it that I don't know about.

Bosemaster42's picture


You can't drive a car yet, what about a scooter? You can get one pretty cheap, so if you need to go somewhere distant or to visit someone(YK or whoever) that would certainly give you more freedom. If you get one with a top-speed of 30 mph, in most states, you don't need a license or registration. Check into it. If you buy a new one, they usually run around $1000, or you could buy one on the street for $200-300, or go the used route. They are pretty easy to repair too. I hope you're right about YK, but if it doesn't work out the way you want, that's life and you have to keep searching.

anarchist's picture

That's more money than I know how to get.

Unless I get a job, but I don't know how to do that. Right now I'm just worried about maintaining my friendship with YK, which would mean finding a time to regularly meet with him, which I don't know about. He said that they'll probably stop paying attention to me if I give it about a week, but I'm not very confident about that.

lonewolf678's picture

I don't always comment,

but I think it's at a point where it's better for you to just leave him out of your life. If he's not putting an effort into the friendship, then he won't be much of a friend anyway. It sort of sounded to me that you may have an attraction to "yk" a few times in your journals, maybe I actually did read that at one point or I read ineffectively between-the-lines.

Anyway, cut him out dude. It's obviously not a friendship worth creating, let alone pursuing. There're better people out there, that's no lie.

anarchist's picture

Obviously I do have an attraction with him.

That's the whole reason this is going so crazy. And I can't cut him out of my life because he's the only person who really keeps me happy. Without him, I just start thinking about humanity more and it makes me depressed and misanthropic. That's how I was going before I developed feelings for yk, and it was dangerous. I don't want to go back there again, and talking with him is probably the happiest point of my regular routine, if not close to the happiest, so it would be best not to put myself back into the situation I was before all this. Plus, I'm pretty attached to him at this point, and I don't know what would happen if we get permanently separated.

jeff's picture


You do need to come up with some sort of plan on what you want to accomplish this summer, as to not just be sitting around trying to do things with YK and moaning/planning when you aren't with him.

You seem to have too much time to fixate on him with a lot of hours filled with school. That will not bode well when you have more time to dwell on it.

And, of course, there is always the risk that once he clues in that you are crushing on him, he won't want to hang out, so the more you push, the more he may clue in, etc.

"You don't know you're beautiful." - Harry Styles

anarchist's picture


Well he's been saying that he wants to teach me how to kayak this summer. But I don't know about that. I don't think he likes me anymore, and I'd rather just not talk to him in the future.

elph's picture

Come on...

With this attitude you're ensuring your own perpetual unhappiness!

Take him up on this offer... it sounds to me that this is a chance in a lifetime!


anarchist's picture

He hasn't seemed to enjoy talking to me this week.

The only times I get with him are before he meets with his girlfriend, which he does between every class now, and he always tries not to talk to me at those times. I passed him in the hall today and he seemed to be trying to avoid me, so I'll try not to pay attention to him any more.

jeff's picture


I'm sure your summer has more available time than potential kayaking with the one person who perpetually flakes on you.

This can be a plan you don't expect to happen while you make others and then, if he comes through, go kayaking.

It does seem a bit like you're breaking up with him, which tends to only occur in romantic relationships. If he's your friend, you say, hey, what the fuck, don't I get to see you anymore just because you have a girlfriend?!

As opposed to sounding like the jilted mistress after the husband is spending more time with his wife...

"You don't know you're beautiful." - Harry Styles

anarchist's picture

He isn't the one person who flakes on me.

He's the one person who's made a plan with me that he didn't flake on. There are people who've flaked on me many more times than he has, so he isn't the worst person to make plans with.

I wish I could talk to him about this, but again, I have zero opportunities to talk to him, since the only times he's ever alone are times when he doesn't want to talk to anyone and won't listen to or care about a single word I say. And I don't know if I should go and talk to him again, because I feel like I'd be bothering him. Maybe he doesn't like me anymore, since he doesn't try to talk to me ever. I'm tired of always having to be the one to begin chats, so I'd like to see if he would ever start a conversation, though at this point, I'm pretty doubtful of that happening.

Super Duck's picture

Do you think he's been busy?

Do you think he's been busy? Cute Blonde Girl hasn't given me an answer about getting coffee together one last time before school is over, but I figure she's studying for finals.

Have you tried talking to him? Do you have his number?

anarchist's picture

I do have his number.

He never replies to texts or emails directly, he only replies to them in person. If I try to text him, he definitely will not send anything back. I have tried talking to him, and he was pretty excited the first time, because that was the only time he wasn't on his way to his girlfriend, but after that, he's just seemed completely uninterested in me, and, again, even seemed to be trying to avoid conversation with me. This isn't about him being busy, it's him acting really weird.