D.I.Y. Orgasms

anarchist's picture

Spring break has been a fucking disappointment so far for the most part. It's cool that I get to just play a ton of albums I haven't heard yet and get into a lot of music that I didn't really have the time for, and listen to album after album of entirely unexplored musicians without responsibilities, with occasional music store trips, but I've been kind of lonely and bored. Boredom just leads to somewhat disappointing series of lonely orgasms that just empty my soul of the motivation I had to ignore my problems.

My friends seem really distant now, and it sort of feels like nobody outside my family cares about me. I'm taunted by memories of you-know-who, and I don't think I'll ever get what I really want, which is someone who actually cares about me and finds me interesting, and wants to spend as much time with me as I want to spend with them. That's all I need. I'm jealous of people who have that and don't even realize how lucky they are. It feels awful to think about people who get to talk to the ones they love about their feelings, when I've never had anyone to talk about those things with. I wish I could know how it is to be open about these things and have someone to admire who will actually be okay with an honest relationship, not just a bullshit friendship of hiding things and being way too distant without an explanation. Life is just a prison defined by limitations, and death is the only true freedom. I wish I knew why I've chosen to continue with this captivity.

Comments

elph's picture

It's little comfort (I know)...

but your experiences as a very frustrated gay HS teen are not at all atypical! :( :(

This is particularly the case if your goals amount to discovering someone with whom mutual affections can be shared... guilt free. And... not just anyone who may receive a temporary thrill by obviating your need for that one day's DIY reverie! But... be assured... there exist some (not a lot... but you likely know some at school) who are just as frustrated (and secretive) as you!

The only advice I can offer (other than assuring you that you will have an opportunity to "renew" yourself once you get to university --- one year away?) is to join as many youth activities that even come close to matching your interests.

I must have asked this before... but does your HS not have a GSA (or equivalent)?

Perhaps We Should Leave's picture

Let's be frank

You experiences are not uncommon for ANY teenager. ANYONE can feel lonely. ANYONE can feel suicidal. You can feel lonely and suicidal WITH a partner.

This isn't a gay issue, this is a teenager issue. What you need to do is stop living in the past and seek out new relationships of any given type. If you don't like how your friends treat you, get new ones. You can't sit around and wait for good things to happen for you. You have to move it yourself. It's your life. Take control.

* * *

“HATE. LET ME TELL YOU HOW MUCH I'VE COME TO HATE YOU SINCE I BEGAN TO LIVE." - AM

anarchist's picture

I'm not suicidal.

That's the point. I can't figure out why I'm not suicidal when I know that life is just prison. For some reason I have the desire to willfully continue with this life, even when it feels strange and unfamiliar, like I'm trapped somewhere I don't belong.

As far as the rest, I think I made the whole thing out to be more severe than it really is. I just feel like shit whenever I think about how lonely I am romantically. I have too much love that I can't express because I'm incapable of developing deep relationships with people. I've been working on it, but it isn't easy when shit keeps happening that ruins my plans.

jeff's picture

Well...

Life is a prison if you make it one. If you only think life is this certain way, and that you are this certain way, and nothing can change, then I guess you will prove yourself correct. But none of that is necessarily true.

"I'm incapable of developing deep relationships with people"

Good example. You aren't saying you have yet to develop one, but that you are incapable of doing so. Based on what evidence? You believing this to be true for many years and acting in a way to prove it is accurate?

Since today is Easter, we'll use an appropriate metaphor and say that you can't put all your eggs in one basket. If you and your friend are supposed to meet on Saturday, then you fixate on it all week, and make plans about it, start building up how great Saturday is going to be, etc., as opposed to figuring out what you want to do on Wednesday, on Thursday, and on Friday. Saturday is already covered, no need micromanaging it days in advance. Read a book, watch a movie, make a Friday night plan with someone else...

Because then when your plan doesn't happen, you aren't losing a day, you're losing a week. And instead of doing what most people would do when a plan falls through -- namely, doing something else, calling another friend and seeing what they are up to -- you instead lay around as proof of how unfair life is.

So, you're turning these into week-long devastations, but then saying life is unfair, but this is how you are choosing to live your life.

I've actually had the opposite issue. I'd e-mail a friend with a link to a show, ask if he wanted to go, he'd say it looked awful so no thanks. Then, a day or two before the show, he'd ask what we were doing that day, and I said, I'm still going to that show you said you didn't want to go to. And, I think he was a bit surprised that his lack of desire to see the show didn't free up that day, since I still went ahead with my plan.

---
"You don't know you're beautiful." - Harry Styles

Perhaps We Should Leave's picture

Pretty much what I wanted to

Pretty much what I wanted to say, only faaaaaar more eloquent.

* * *

“HATE. LET ME TELL YOU HOW MUCH I'VE COME TO HATE YOU SINCE I BEGAN TO LIVE." - AM

Beau's picture

You need to be more open.

I think you need to try and be more open to other people, and try to find a gay guy you can relate to. You're interests might make that harder, but I'm sure there's a guy out there for you.

There's lots of guys at school that I'd like to do stuff I can't write about with, but they're not in my league. You need to be more open and willing to compromise, and you'll find him.

Are there places when you live that are gay friendly, or where gay teens can go? Chat rooms might be a possibility too?

Beau

anarchist's picture

There aren't tons of guy's I'm interested in over here.

He's the only one I actually find attractive. Everyone else I know just don't do it fo meee. I'm not giving up, anyways. I don't have evidence that I don't have a chance with him, and I'd really rather not get myself entangled with even more of these terrible feelings, so it's best to just not try and actively search for someone to fall in love with.

And my school does have a GSA, but I've never been there because I don't have a ride to pick me up, or an excuse to check it out.

Uncertain's picture

When I was in high school, I

When I was in high school, I went through something similar. I felt like no one was ever really my type. I wouldn't say my standards were "high", but in a sense they were because I had a very specific type. In retrospect, I probably would've and should've dated a LOT more guys back then, even if it had meant "compromising".

I am not saying this is you, but what I found was that I wanted my first relationship to be "perfect". Not necessarily that every moment was perfect or the guy had to have everything I wanted, but I had certain ideals about what would make a good boyfriend (note the subtle difference). These ideals meant that I ruled out a big number of guys. These are guys I eventually became friends with later on in my life, and as my tastes evolved some I have slept with or even went out with (and some ex's who broke my heart that I could've slept with again and didn't). The thing I want to add here on top of what Jeff and others had to say is that you learn what is a good boyfriend and how to be a good boyfriend by being in a relationship. The great paradox when dating someone is that statistically speaking you probably won't end up with them. Thus my philosophy is that while you shouldn't go out with someone for the sake of having a boyfriend, I would suggest being open to the idea of dates and take things further or end things as they happen. Some of my best ex boyfriends were ones who I had initial reservations about, and some other relationships which I thought would be ideal ended in disaster.

And yes I know meeting and finding guys is hard. If you are out, this makes life a lot easier as they tend to make themselves known, or your friends usually do the "I know X is also gay! You guys should totally go out", or of course, there are apps out there for finding out who's gay/bi in your area.

Just my two cents.