Spring break has been a fucking disappointment so far for the most part. It's cool that I get to just play a ton of albums I haven't heard yet and get into a lot of music that I didn't really have the time for, and listen to album after album of entirely unexplored musicians without responsibilities, with occasional music store trips, but I've been kind of lonely and bored. Boredom just leads to somewhat disappointing series of lonely orgasms that just empty my soul of the motivation I had to ignore my problems.
My friends seem really distant now, and it sort of feels like nobody outside my family cares about me. I'm taunted by memories of you-know-who, and I don't think I'll ever get what I really want, which is someone who actually cares about me and finds me interesting, and wants to spend as much time with me as I want to spend with them. That's all I need. I'm jealous of people who have that and don't even realize how lucky they are. It feels awful to think about people who get to talk to the ones they love about their feelings, when I've never had anyone to talk about those things with. I wish I could know how it is to be open about these things and have someone to admire who will actually be okay with an honest relationship, not just a bullshit friendship of hiding things and being way too distant without an explanation. Life is just a prison defined by limitations, and death is the only true freedom. I wish I knew why I've chosen to continue with this captivity.